It's Never Just Goodbye // Ed Sheeran

You Can't Get Rid of Me Now, Honey

Alice

-twenty five weeks pregnant-

And I've always lived like this, keeping a comfortable distance. And up until now I have sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness because none of it was ever worth the risk. Well, darling, you are the only exception- Paramore

It seems to me that love is a delicate matter. Ever since I could remember I've been stuck on one fascinating young man that made my world a better place. If I think back further I remember a boy with blonde hair and green eyes from when I was ten. A kid who would kiss me on the cheek and then run away. I would cross my arms and huff out of my frustration for him. Now, I feel like with Ed and I, I'm the little ten year old that runs away when my lips touch his freckled cheeks. 

Once I finally got Oscar to get on a plane, I had decided to get my things and head out to London. My mother didn't even have a thing to say about it either. She just sipped her tea and nodded at me, hiding her smirk. My mum knew this boy had been the center of my life since I was fifteen and I was determined to spend every waking second with him like I was in my youth again. It was a desperation within me. 

Of course forcing Oscar on a flight to his home town wasn't that easy. After going to the thrift shop and purchasing a funeral outfit for him, I was forced to lay on his bed. Our shoulders pressed together as we both thought deeply about life. He was contemplating suicide and my thoughts were travelling over to my soon-to-be-born baby and what my life would be like without an Oscar to help me through it. 

"You can't kill yourself." I utter. 

"I have nothing." 

"Stop..." I ended up pleading. I was frightened of my voice. The sad, cracking sound coming from my mouth. It was nerve racking. 

He turned to me and gave me a look like I was the most ignorant person out there. Oscar shook his head and said, "Everyone has someone, but me, Alice. I can't live like this. I'm miserable without Meredith."

"You were doing great when she broke up with you. We were doing great." 

"Her and I still talked every night, Al. Our relationship wasn't completely washed away until a few months before-before the..." he can't finish his sentence. "And you have Ed back and honey I'm really happy for you, but this isn't the life I want." 

"Oscar," my voice cracks. "let's change the subject." 

It was on his bed one night, then, where I told him everything. A few days after he lost Meredith and I spent the night. Of course, Oscar and I weren't doing anything sexual and I had a mission to actually get him to where the funeral was tomorrow. I just couldn't leave him when he had these thoughts. I couldn't lose my best friend. 

With the covers pulled over us. The smell of his musky cologne, and the dimness of his room, I was slowly fading into a sleep that I wanted to be in so deeply. It had been days since Oscar nor I had gotten very much. 

With his voice low, he said, "I don't think I could live without you either." Almost like he could read my mind. 

These were the moments I hated most in my life. The ones where I couldn't think of a damn thing to say. Instead of saying anything I grab his hand under the blankets and squeeze it tightly. 

"You're my best friend, Allie. I can't lose you." he cries. 

"Don't cry..." I say. This was also something I hated. Seeing someone I love cry. 

"The spa thing was a bust." 

I nod into his pillow, "It was. I agree." When I turn to face him, he's already staring at me. "Can you forgive me?"