It's Never Just Goodbye // Ed Sheeran

Indecisiveness Isn't Cute

Alice 

"Everything's in there that you'll need." I tell my mum as I hand over Finley's diaper bag. He had fallen asleep on the ride over, passed out in his car seat, and his face covered in chocolate from a cookie Oscar gave him.

She smiled, took the things, and hugged me. "He'll be fine." She reassured me. "Just need a night off?"

"We're going to a concert." I lie. We had booked a hotel room. Tonight being the night I'd give myself completely to Oscar.

Oscar beeped the horn outside. Rolling my eyes, I laughed. Giving my mum one more hug goodbye, I quickly bent down my pressed my lips against my baby's cheek.

"Be careful, okay?" She asks of me and I nod.

I leave, closing the door softly behind me. Oscar greets me in the car with music blasting from the speakers. Something I had never heard before. All day, he had been in the best mood, and I prayed I could go through with this, so he wouldn't be pissed at me.

The hotel was only a half hour away. We spent the time in silence. Oscar calm and content; me a nervous wreck. I hadn't slept with anyone since Ed. Not that it mattered, but it scared me that if I don't feel the same passion with Oscar as I did with Ed, it will never be the same.

It was only nine when we arrived. He checked us in, grabbed our bags from the trunk. We both took the lift up, scrambled through the door of the room, and dropped the bags.

The place was all white. The wood of the dresser, bedside tables, and doors were white. The bed spread was the prettiest cream color.

I collapsed onto the bed and giggled like a little kid. A flashback of me as a child jumping on the bed in a hotel room comes to me. I push my exhausted body up, smile bright on my face, and to my feet. I tore my shoes off and threw them at Oscar.

I began to jump. Laughing, my voice airy and breathless, I scream for him to join me. He shook his head, barely smiling up at me. Oscar, the adult he was, didn't have any inner child left in him. Closing my eyes and continuing to jump, another flash of Ed and I came to me. A hasty memory of us jumping on a similar bed. Something so delicate, and sweet, and childish about it that I couldn't help but smile.

Ed wasn't just my boyfriend, he was my best friend. Just alike, something so silly as jumping on the bed was secondary to him. Something I didn't have to ask him to do with me because he was the one who was the first to jump.

We were children together.

Knowing how to laugh together.

Oscar placed the hotel key on the dresser, next to the TV, and stared at me as if he was waiting for something. I bounced onto my butt. The cushion of the mattress catching my fall. Oscar moved closer to me, standing above me from where I sat. His knees pressed the front of my legs.

"You just want to get right into it?" He asks me. It was the least romantic thing anyone had ever said to me. That isn't the way I wanted this to go down. He was my first long term boyfriend since Ed, I was engaged to this man and completely committed, and I didn't want our first time having sex to be casual.

I scooted further back on the bed. The thing was so soft, I sunk right into it. Anxiously, I ask, "Who else have you slept with before?" It was a question I wondered because if he asked any other girl that, would they have slept with him?

Maybe I was overreacting, but it didn't seem like the best way to start foreplay when you're an adult.

"Why does it matter?" Oscar scoffs, trying to keep the air between us light, but he couldn't hold back the way my annoying questions made him feel. He was growing irritated with me because I wouldn't make the first move. When I didn't back down, he replied, "A few girls."