It's Never Just Goodbye // Ed Sheeran

As Drunk As I've Ever Been

Ed 

Tell me that you turned down the man who asked for your hand 'cause you're waiting for me - Ed Sheeran 

“Honey?” The living room light comes on and blinds me. My eyes blurred from the tears and my face hot from the inner heat I created from growing so agitated. My mother stood in front of me. “What are you doing still up?”

I wipe my eyes on the sleeve of my hoodie and stand up, shaking my head. The lump in my throat didn’t seem to decrease in size and I held my breath because I knew if I spoke even one word, I’d break.

“Man, Ed.” She moved closer and turned the lamp on too. Letting the house light up so she could see me better. “I have never seen you cry so much in my life.” Her hand moved across my cheek before she pulls away. “That’s all you seem to do anymore.”

“It’s not like I want to.” I say, voice cracking. I didn’t want to cry it just came every fucking time I thought of Alice. I screwed up intentionally with Nina and with that letter wavering over my head, it’s too late to go back to her. But I always thought I had this safe barrier with Alice. Fight, make up. No matter the time, we’d be together sooner or later.

“I know your grandfather passed, but he’d want you to keep going for him.”

“Mum, she’s engaged. She’s engaged to that asshole she met at UNI.”

“Honey, you’ve been drinking. You took the news harder tonight because of that and you need to think about tomorrow. Get to tomorrow and see how you feel.” My mum says, taking a seat on the recliner. “You’re over her, Ed. You’ve been over her since you broke up.”

“No, I haven’t.” I admitted. “I didn’t get over her.”

“Son, get your head out of your ass. You shouldn’t be this worked up over a girl who isn’t getting worked up over you!” She knew she needed to be strict to get through to me. My head didn’t care right now – it was swimming in ideas of how to stop Alice. “You have so much going for you right now. That’s her fault that she went out and cheated and got pregnant, okay? You shouldn’t be having a conniption fit over someone who doesn’t deserve you.”

“I love her, mum.”

“You only love her because you’ve known her so long. The longer you know someone, the more you think you love them and that’s not the case. Time has no relative relation to how much you feel something.” She tells me. “Ed, you’re in love with a girl who is in love with an asshole. You’re in love with a girl who has a completely different personality and life than you remember. You’re in love with a girl who doesn’t love you back. You’re a smart guy, love, but this is dumb.”

“She’s the same Alice I fell in love with.” I mumble.

She shakes her head, her face filled with a slight pity. “Baby, she’s not the same. Everyone changes.”

“What if she thinks I don’t love her? What if this is the reason she’s stooping so low and saying yes to him?”

“That’s not the case, Eddie.”

“What if I told her I love her?”

I grabbed my shoes from the rug by the door and slipped them on. My mother’s eyes turned from soft to stern in seconds. She sits up and looks at me and says, “You’re not leaving when you’re this drunk.”

“I’m not even that drunk.” After Kim’s phone call, I found myself downing the last three beers in the fridge that my dad was never to drink. Before the phone call, I was taking shots of Vodka without much thought. My head was reeling with every question unanswered and every memory resurfacing and every regret doing the same.