It's Never Just Goodbye // Ed Sheeran

For Finley

Alice

I arrived home soon after the awkward morning I had with Ed. He left in an angry flash, storming out the door, as a terrible feeling lurked within me. I packed my things up, said goodbye to my mother, and made the two hour drive back to my apartment.

Months passed and envelopes signed by Ed piled into my mailbox. Checks with different amounts of money gifted to me from my ex. For Finley, one wrote.

No matter how much I needed the money, or Oscar for that matter, I couldn't find myself opening anymore of the envelopes or even cashing the checks in them. If I wasn't letting Ed be anywhere near his child, then I didn't deserve to take his money.

With no return address on the envelopes and no idea where Ed was staying, I shredded the first two checks that were sent to my apartment.

"Did you tell him where I was staying?" I asked my mum over the phone one night. With the water running in the bathroom and my voice in a whisper, I hoped Oscar couldn't hear me. My mother refused to answer. "You can't just give my address out to people."

"He isn't just someone, Alice. He's Finley's father."

"I don't want his money, okay? I'm stable enough to take care of myself and my son without his help." I tell her.

"Fine." She snapped, obviously fed up with me. "How about this, Alice. Have him send the checks here. I'll cash them and when Finley is here, I'll buy him things with Ed's money, so you don't have to."

"Are you kidding me?" I ask her before hanging up entirely.

"I'm so happy to be home." I say, trying to make my own self believe it. The apartment was a wreck from a few days without me here, but I had no energy to clean. I laid on the couch, feet up on the coffee table, and let the TV do most of the talking.

I had left again for a week this time. Heading back and forth between my mum's and my apartment to see if I could find a house for rent or even a job there for me. No connection left two hours away from my mother for neither Oscar or I.

Oscar smiled gently before saying, "Me, too. It's been a hell of a week without you. Finley missed you so much. I swear, the entire time was spent with him crying for you."

I believed it because as soon as I stepped through the front door and into the mess of toys and candy wrappers everywhere, his face lit up.

He says, "He's definitely a mama's boy."

I smiled subtly. "I bet he loved spending time with his dad." I utter, but it didn't seem right. Ed shadowed the back of my mind and everything I said centered on our conversations from the past. "You're cool with me calling you that, right?"

"The kid kind of grew on me." He joked.

"Would you sign the birth certificate?" I ask and Oscar looks away. It was a lot for me to ask of him and I know it was a sore subject. He shook his head and my hand grabs onto his forearm and squeezes. "I know it's a lot, but I plan on spending the rest of my life with you, Oscar. I wouldn't ask if I wasn't serious."

"Alice—"

"I know, okay? It's a hard decision. I think adopting him as yours will make a whole family." I sit up and turn towards him. I grab onto his hand, but his grip stays loose. "If we get married and you adopt my child that will make us a real family."

"Will this make us more emotionally connected?"

"What?"

"Will you stop fighting me about things and finally commit fully to me?"