It's Never Just Goodbye // Ed Sheeran

Unbelievable

Ed 

I've always sort of hated award shows. I shouldn't, I know this, but all the excitement makes my skin break out, and constant sweat rests on my forehead. I like the people; seeing celebrities is something my childhood self would die to see, and I know this. Hell, to some of them I am a celebrity, which is insane.

It isn't the people. Going to these awards shows, it is the awards themselves that make me want to stay home.

I want to win, I tell myself. While winning will be fucking unbelievable, I will have to get up in front of everyone and the cameras and walk on stage. I will have to propose a speech, pray I don't stutter or my face isn't too red, and hope to God that I don't fall.

Winning is something I want; to be recognized for my music after years of trying. Publicity is a great thing, it might even get me more attention and maybe some more listeners, but it can also create a tornado of chaos.

Being on the magazines, being publicized not for my work but for my mistakes...that is what scares the shit out of me. Showing up at the red carpet, having to walk into this building with a girl I hadn't been seen in public with before, was going to be the death of me.

I knew the magazines would get this. Not me, per say. I don't see myself famous enough for the magazines to want to include my drama for reads. I'm looking more towards Ellie and her popularity. She has been heard on the radio about hundreds of more times than me.

Pull up.

Get out of the car.

It will be okay.

I tell myself this over and over again on the drive over. It can't be that bad, I repeat. Ellie and I will get out of the black SUV together, her still slightly pissed about how it isn't a limo, and we will walk in together. Maybe the paparazzi won't think anything of it. Maybe they will completely ignore us and pan over to other famous couples, or ex couples for that matter.

I'm just thinking of the possible outcomes of this. In my mind, I'm pretty sure they'll completely ignore us. After all, my good friend Harry will be here along with Taylor. Everyone knows they dated, everyone knows they broke up, and here they are under the same roof. Not that they honestly care all that much, but that isn't what the magazines want people at home to think.

I didn't want Taylor to be the one being bashed on gossip websites and tabloids. Yet, with her under the microscope tonight, somehow that takes pressure off of me.

Was I scared of the journalists feeding off of Ellie and I at the show and writing a terrible article about us? No, not exactly. They had nothing bad to write. It was the thought of us being featured in the magazine, known as a couple, that I didn't want. For once in my life, I was sure to be dating her, but not completely sure I wanted to.

She was great, she was, and she spontaneous. I wasn't falling in love, but I didn't take relationships lightly. I didn't see this as some casual hookup. Ellie was someone I had been seeing, and only seeing her, for a few months now. I considered us to be in a relationship, but I wanted to hold off on the tabloids finding out our secret before the distance tore us apart.

A breakup was bound to happen in the future. Not that I exactly wanted that...but hell who am I to say exactly what I want? I was an indecisive little shit who never knew what he wanted. I just didn't see a future with Ellie. She wasn't someone I saw as the marrying type, and I definitely didn't see myself marrying her.

We were to be seated next to each other tonight. I wasn't aware that you could help pick your own seats, but Ellie sure knew. She picked a seat right in the middle between Rita and I.