It's Never Just Goodbye // Ed Sheeran

You Could Have Lied

Alice

I cut my hair. I cut it and every layer is uneven. It barely reaches my chin and when I look in the mirror, I feel remorse for my old hairstyle. My mother tried to fix it, but it didn’t work out. She just kept repeating, “I cannot believe you did this. It looks awful.”

I don’t know why I did. It was New Year’s Eve, I was probably the only one alone, and I broke down. With everyone asleep, I sat up watching TV until I got the urge to cut my hair. With dull, worn scissors, I stood in front of the mirror and watched the pieces fall to the floor.

I cried.

And I didn’t know I’d run into Ed at the store. I didn’t want to see him that morning. Sloppy, eyes red from crying and hair so short and uneven I couldn’t handle looking in the mirror. I walked up to him – yes, I know. I didn’t have to.

I knew he saw me first. I could feel someone staring at me and when I turned around, it was him I saw running down the aisle. Simply, I wanted to be the bigger person. I was being the bigger person. Being that our last altercation was of us screaming at each other, I needed a fresh start. I needed him to maybe not love me the way he used, but at least hate me a little less than before.

But I, the bigger person, basically gave myself away. Christopher. What the hell was I thinking? Lying was a burden and here I was – wanting to get caught.

He has to know. Ed has got to know that naming my son Finley Christopher wasn’t just a coincidence. He’s smarter than that.

I took the drive home soon after. My hands shaking and my baby crying the entire way back. Two hours of screaming and the radio softly playing, hoping that would calm him down, was nothing but a nightmare. “Fuck.” I swore under my breath once I saw Oscar’s car in the street.

I was hoping he wasn’t home. That, somehow, the Gods have sent down a miracle and he was still at work. That I could crawl through the door, settle myself in bed and put Finley to sleep, before he even thought about coming home.

If he sees me, he’ll know. I know he will.

“You cut your hair.” Is the very first thing he says when I walk through the front door. Not a simple hello or even a kiss. He can’t even tell through my eyes that something happened earlier. With Finley on my hip, I drop my bag and his diaper bag. His lip still quivers and his face is beat red.

“I cut my hair.”

“It looks different.”

I gave him a pointed look, “I know. It obviously looks different. I cut it.”

He kisses me on the cheek. He’s distant, or maybe I am.

“Why’d you cut it?” he asks. I can sense that he doesn’t like it, but I don’t blame him. I didn’t like it much either.

I shrug, hand Finley off to him, and say, “I was bored last night and decided I needed a change. I got some scissors and snipped it all off.” I made a cutting motion with my hands and he just shakes his head.

He says, “Why didn’t you go to a shop?”

“I didn’t have the money.” I replied.

“Why didn’t you have your mom cut it then?”

“She’s the one who fixed it up!” I snap.

“Are you going to get it fixed up? It would look nice if you did.”

“Honey, I still don’t have the money.”

He sets Finley in his playpen and goes for the bags. Dragging them towards our room. He shouts, “Yeah. I’m sorry. Works been slow. I’m not going to have another check until the first of February.”