for, liar

Chapter 90

I dreamt about Selena last night. My subconscious tried to put together a scene that would look similar to the night she was killed based on what I knew so far.

Justin was there. The car was there. I was watching helplessly from a distance and screamed her name as the Pontiac sped through the red light, making impact and leaving her lifeless on the cold pavement.

I screamed myself awake and Miles was holding me close to his chest, whispering my name to calm me down. It's 4 A.M. on Christmas Day and I don't think I've slept at all.

"Deep breaths, Bree. Just breathe."

I sob into his shirt and keep a tight grip on the fabric. It felt too real that time. I haven't dreamed about her since college. I know it's only because of what Justin said at the party. I thought I made progress all this time and now it's like I'm moving backwards.

Miles pulls me closer to him and takes his hand softly through my hair. My body is trembling. I can feel beads of sweat dripping down my forehead. There's no way I'm falling back asleep now.

"Bree? Hey, look at me." He begs, scooping his fingers under my chin.

I force my head over towards him so our eyes can meet.

He relaxes, dragging his thumb across my cheek. "Do you want to talk about it?" He keeps his tone soft and his touch even softer.

I shake my head and pull away from his arms. I suddenly feel too hot to be cuddled up against him like that. My body temperature must have risen a lot during my night terror.

"Are you going to be able to go back to sleep?"

I shake my head again, disappointingly.

I'm sure the last thing he wants to do on Christmas day is to be up this early trying to calm me down because my brain decided to fuck with me for the holidays. I could try to go back to sleep but I have an awful feeling that as soon as I close my eyes the scenes will replay.

"Alright. Come on." He gets up out of the bed and puts his hands out for me to grab.

I can still feel my heart beating hard against my chest. I intertwine our fingers and stand up, giving into whatever he's trying to do without question.

He walks me out of his bedroom and down to the kitchen. He turns on all of the lights to make sure not a single area in my view was dark. He urges me to take a seat on the counter and starts a pot of coffee.

"I guess if we're not going back to sleep then we should at least have some caffeine."

I lean my chin on my hand and smile at him. He could have chosen to go back to sleep but instead he decided to get up with me at the ass crack of dawn. When the coffee is finished brewing, he fills up two mugs and hands me the one not drowned in cream.

"Want to sit on the patio with me?"

I take a sip and lower the cup when he looks at me. I find it best to not question his actions and follow him out the back door after putting on my sweater. It's way too cold to be out here for long. Miles sits down in the outdoor wicker chair, resting his cup on the little matching table next to it. He taps his hand against his thigh for me to sit. I stifle a giggle and plant down right on top of him.

I always feel way heavier than I actually am when I'm sitting on someone's lap. This insecurity is inevitable with any man I'm with. Miles doesn't know the humility that comes with being similar in size with your significant other.

Media teaches you that you need a tall, brawny man to hold and protect you because women have to be dainty and always looking for a man to come to their rescue. Thankfully, current society has strayed quite a bit from those old-fashioned principles to focus more on body positivity and the actual reality that no one is ever going to fit the unrealistic beauty standard. Miles is slightly taller than me but not by much. I've really come to enjoy the fact that we're very similar and he doesn't seem to be bothered by it at all.

He drapes the blanket he had resting on the chair over the back of both of us. The weather has been alternating this past week so all of the snow was gone and it hadn't dropped below freezing since Thanksgiving. Even the breeze was low, making the cold less miserable than I thought it was going to be. The warm ceramic mug in my hands makes it even more satisfying.

This moment is perfect that I really could fall asleep again. Before I can, I start to remember everything happening over again and scare myself awake. I really didn't want to start off Christmas this way.

"Can I ask what the dream was about?" Miles whispers.

We were silent this entire time with me just trying to distract myself with whatever I could to avoid my fears. Maybe talking about it would help.

"Selena." I admit and look up at him to catch him staring.

He nods and takes a deep breath. He hasn't sipped his coffee since he sat it down.

"Is this a new thing or is this reoccurring?"

"Both. It hasn't happened in a bit."

The last time was technically at the beach when I saw her in the water. That was more of a lack of oxygen thing than it was a dream, but it felt just as intense.

"Do you know what caused it?" he asks.

I don't know if I should tell him about Justin. He doesn't really know the guy and then I'd have to go into an explanation about his history. He met him at the party though they didn't really talk that much.

"Justin." I say slowly, almost wishing I could take it back.

"Justin? The guy from the party?"

His memory is impeccable as always. It must be a curse for him sometimes.

"Yeah. He showed me a picture of him as a kid in his hallway. He was with Selena. They were like best childhood friends or something. Then he- " I swallow the lump in my throat. "He told me he was there that night. With her. He called the police. He saw the car that drove off. I just thought I would go my entire life without knowing the details. Maybe that would've been for the better because now I can't get it out of my head."

He's stroking my hair again. I can tell he doesn't really know what to say. I don't expect him to know how to comfort me. This is some heavy shit and he always has trouble helping me deal with it. He makes it no secret that he wants to help. I guess because he doesn't have the same experiences, it's difficult to advise me when I need it. Honestly, just him listening to me vent is helpful enough.

"That's a lot, Bree. He shouldn't have told you that if you didn't already know. Especially if everyone is trying to move on."

"He said he never told anyone else. He was cleared by the police and he kept it all to himself. Wouldn't he have wanted to help her? If he would have told other people or maybe even went after the guy who did it she could have been avenged or something."

"This isn't some murder mystery, car chase bullshit. This is real life. His first instinct was to do all that he could to help her in that moment. Don't blame him for the guy getting away."

I'm not meaning to blame Justin at all but I definitely find his timing strange. I'm looking too far into this like I do with everything. He was probably dealing with his own demons and thought a great way to cope was to tell someone who was close to Selena. That must have been lonely to keep in for four years.

Revised;