for, liar

Chapter 5

Two hours into the party and Maddy was able to latch herself onto sleazy, former tight end Justin Adams. She's already had various drinks and is either really tipsy or an expert at faking it like she does to get the attention she dearly craves.

It's sickening to watch this toxic hookup unravel  again. I need to take a step outside where at least I can get a little peace and air. I managed to not run into Ben thus far, though I did spot the top of his slick brown hair next to the stereo for a few minutes. I wasn't staring, I just tried to make sure he wasn't coming near me.

The fresh air feels even more amazing than I had hoped. No one was outside in the front yard so it gave me a chance to collect my thoughts. I lean up against the railing and stare out at the wide-ranging field wrapped around Ben's house. It's almost nostalgic being here because it always felt different than being at my home. My mom's house is smack dab in the middle of a suburb where all of the houses are stacked nearly on top of each other. They all look exactly the same and you could only tell the difference by number and the car in the tiny driveway. Dad's house was boujee as hell. He was great at saving money and bought a two story home in the more expensive neighborhood as soon as his divorce was settled. Then he met Lily and they both sold their houses for about as much as they paid for them and got an even bigger home bordering a lake.

I mainly live with my mom. As nice as it is to have the kind of luxuries dad can provide, I don't think it's fair to leave her alone. She could find someone if she really wanted to, I just think she's still in shock that the man who she swore was the love of her life had decided one day he didn't want to make it work anymore. I take as many mental notes as I can by observing what went wrong with them and pray I don't end up like them. What is it about marriage that completely destroys the love you have for someone? I can't put all the blame on marriage itself. It's like everyone rushes into it as soon as adulthood hits for a chance to find stability. No one ever thinks it through and then most end in disaster or worse; they stay together and have kids who become miserable.

The door opens behind me rather hastily. I straighten my back and turn around. Ben hops out with a drink in his hand and spills half of it onto the porch as he stumbles. He pulls the door shut behind him and laughs. I'm finally staring at his face for the first time in four years and it looks...horrible. He's aged a little, like all of us have. His hair has grown out but he doesn't have it styled the way he used to when he cared way too much about what others thought about him. His cheeks are red and sweat starts to form on his forehead from the heat of the over-crowded house. He looks exhausted, not noticing that I am standing here at first. I should take this time to run and avoid him like I have been telling myself to do all day if this were to happen.

I struggle to make a decision when the chance I was given starts to dissipate. His eyes fixate on mine and my entire body freezes. He knew I was going to be here so this reaction surely can't be from shock. His expression changes and he suddenly looks fully sober. He sets his almost empty cup onto the ledge and leans against it.

"I should've known you'd be hiding outside." He says slowly.

Four years of not talking and this is the first thing he says to me? I wish I was surprised.

"Yeah, well I don't like crowds. You know that."

I could have been giggly and punched his arm playfully while telling him he knows me so well, but I know we aren't in that state anymore. We haven't been in a long time.

"What made you show up tonight then? I thought you would be pissed that the party got moved to my house that you wouldn't show up."

He's making it seem that this entire thing was intentional and he didn't want me to come at all. He's never been that vindictive. It's safe to say I really don't know him anymore.

Ben keeps his eyes on mine and takes deep breaths in through his mouth. I cross my arms over my chest and stare at the ground. There's not much else I can say. I don't know what I was expecting when I saw him again.

He notices my discomfort in the situation and moves closer to me. I want to step back, but I don't think I can do it discreetly. After all, I'm over it. It doesn't bother me if he gets close to me. Right?

"Look...I know things didn't really end the way either of us wanted."

"What exactly did you intend then?" I fire back.

He squints his eyes slightly and makes his next words cautious, knowing I can get hostile very fast. "I just wanted you to focus on yourself. You weren't acting like you. It was scary for me. I didn't know what to do and I tried so hard to help you, but I..."

I cut him off angrily. "I never asked you for help. All I asked is that you be there for me and you refused to do that because you thought I was crazy."

I'm on the verge of losing my shit. I'm not sure if he understands how irritated I am that he would approach me after this long and still use the same argument that he was "trying to help me" and I "wasn't acting like myself." He could have tried to change his weak excuses if he was planning on talking to me ever again.

"I didn't mean that! C'mon, Bree. Please don't turn this into an argument."

He reaches for my hand but I pull it back before he gets the chance to touch it. He frowns at me and picks his drink back up to take a sip. How is he just going to drink more while we're having this conversation?

"Why is it so fucking hard for you to just apologize? That's all I wanted. You have to learn to be able to own up to your mistakes, Ben! I know I went off the rails and I'm sorry for that, but I was not the only thing that screwed up our relationship."

"I never said you were!" He yells.

I flinch at the rage in his voice. This is where we are once again. We were never able to talk calmly to each other without it ending in a screaming match. Reminds me too much of my parents. I don't want this anymore. I swear I don't.

"I loved you. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I didn't care that we had just gotten out of high school. I hated seeing you sad and yeah I didn't understand why you were always depressed but I was willing to make things work and be what you needed. I just wanted to give you time to better yourself so I broke up with you. I had to do it in a shitty way so you would be mad enough to not try to make things work with me. I'm sorry, okay? I was wrong and you deserved better than that but I have not stopped thinking about you in four years. I didn't throw this damn party so you wouldn't come. I threw it because I needed to see you. I just wanted you to hear me out since you wouldn't answer my calls."

"You treated me like shit and broke up with me so I would go away and focus on myself? Do you not see how psychotic that is?"

Ben's eyes widen and he knows this is not going as well as he thought it would.

 I shake my head and walk past him. "I can't do this right now."

I walk down the porch steps and reach into my bag for Maddy's keys. I wouldn't dare try to drive, though I only drank a little bit, but at least I can sit in the car away from this awful party.

Ben shuffles down the steps after me and snatches my arm. He turns me around and puts both of his warm hands on my cheeks. He quickly leans in as I bring my fists to his chest and push him back. "Bree!" He shouts and throws his hands in the air.

"You're not doing this anymore! I can't take it. You let me 'better myself,' which I did, so now I'm done. Take your own advice and go better yourself."

I turn back around and sprint down the sidewalk towards Maddy's car. The back and forth thing is too high school and I'm not letting it devour me again. That's the one thing he was right about. I deserve better than that; better than him.

:Revised