Love is Weak

Chapter 49 - Healing

Lillian

When Keith left, I went to find Josh. I knew he was right, that we needed to heal and we needed to do it together.

I checked his dorm before I went searching over the entire ship. When I opened his door, he answered from the inside, and I entered.

He looked mildly surprised to see me, and maybe a little hurt.

"I'm sorry," I said.

Josh looked at me in disbelief. "You're what now?"

"I am sorry," I said, looking down. "You are right. We need to talk about Ki."

Josh nodded, looking down too. "Ah."

"Yeah."

"How and when do you want to do that?" he asked.

"Now?" I asked, looking up.

"Sure. I'm not busy," he said, getting more comfortable on his bed.

I sat on the floor.

"Where do you want to start? There's a lot to unpack," Josh said, looking at me with concerned eyes.

"I held her," I said. "While she died."

He looked down. "I can't even imagine."

It came in a whisper.

I couldn't even believe that it had happened, but it was real, no matter how much I tried to believe that it wasn't.

"She's gone," I whispered.

"You have to let go," he said. "You have to let go of her. She isn't coming back."

"And she won't be at my wedding, she wasn't around for the engagement, and I can't share any of this happiness with her," I said, choking on my voice as the tears came.

"She would be happy, though," Josh said softly.

"And you," I said, looking up. "You'll never be able to have the life with her that you wanted."

"I've already come to terms with that, Lillian. See, when Kiana and I started dating, we knew that it could be problematic. One of us may survive a mission that the other did not. Fatalities happen in war, regardless of rank, who you are, or future plans. We promised each other that no matter what happened, we'd move on. If she lost me, yeah, she'd be in pain, but she'd move on. The thing with death is that you have to move on in that person's legacy, and you can't do that while you're feeling sad about it."

He paused.

I didn't say anything.

"We all grieve in different ways. It may take awhile for her death to fully hit you. That's ok. But you can't hold onto it forever. You have to remember her legacy, who she was, and who she inspired everyone else to be, and you move on in her memory."

Josh sat on the floor with me, putting his hands on my shoulders and forcing me to look at him.

"She would want you to be happy. And she would be happy knowing that you are."

I nodded.

He hugged me, and then I left.

I went to my dorm and laid on my bed, finally letting it all out for the first time in months, crying until I fell asleep.