i have endured. [the story of nobody at all]

continuous suffocation.

i continue to be. or at least i think i do. i dont really know. im not quite sure. nothing is what i think it is. simply i am looking for the most opportune moment to make my escape. i cant do this anymore. everyday, its just the fuckin same.

what do i do to preoccupy my time? i sit in a room doing drugs watching movies playing video games and listening to music. i do not often sleep. when i do it isnt for a very long time.

i dont have any friends anymore. i dont know who to turn to. ive nobody to turn to. never could rely on myself much in these situations. let this be the proof that im not the strength that people have seen in me.

rather than that, i am the overwhelming pain and suffocating feeling within me. that is what defines me here in this desolate wasteland. im still not quite sure if this is real.

maybe if im lucky ill wake up and this will all have been just a horrible nightmare. i dont think so. it seems that things like this are reality. although i try to deny the reality of it i cannot escape.

this reality is suffocating me always. i speak, or at least i think i speak. but nobody ever hears me. nothing ever hears me. no acknowledgement of my existence, no nothing. it all just feels so desolate and hopeless inside my mind, in my world.

testament to the human will i suppose, that i too am still alive. ive no idea if i was strong before, but i thought i was. im not anymore. not even a bit. this whole thing, my whole life, has hit me like a bullet train.

ive no idea who i am. i know of all the people ive hurt through my actions and ways of being. that i am always aware of. but i cant remember the good things. were there good things? or am i just trying to believe that there were, so that my existence might seem just a little less pointless and disposable.

im not sure. alongside that i am painfully overly aware of so much of this and it haunts my mind always. i cant run away from any of it and im here alone. no shield on my arm, not even clothes on my back.

i feel so naked here in my life. im unbelievably vulnerable and the gesture of rising above this is too much of a feat for me. im so afraid. truly i am. regardless of what im about to do.

i shouldnt be afraid though. or at least i dont deserve to be. i am very well aware of my reality. how little love exists for me, in the hearts of those i adore. those i cannot let go. those who propelled this plane, sending me away from it all.

just silence. improvement on their end. not on mine. i have regressed. all i do is smoke. bowl after bowl after bowl after bowl after bowl, just trying to make the pain go away. at least trying to subside the misery for a moment.

i crave those moments. just those few moments in time where i feel as though i am floating above this pain. they come less and less as the time moves forward, as i regress further. oh how i miss them.

im just cold. im cold and im hollow. my heart is always pumping out of my chest, as though its about to burst. i feel the welling of tears in my eyes before theyve even formed. always.

i shake. i tremble. because i do not know why i have to be this way. why i put myself here. i did not have to. if id have just been better id have everything that ive lost. my friends, my love. i miss them. i miss them so fucking much.

i think if i disappeared tomorrow the universe wouldnt notice. its just me here in my pit and no one cares to look down.