i have endured. [the story of nobody at all]

no man can live faced with death, knowing everything's nothingness.

i watched 1957's 'the seventh seal' in film class today. yeah, surprisingly enough i actually attended class...well, half of it anyways.

it truly is a gruelling and exhausting process, school. it never used to be. i used to enjoy that shit. until all of this. the wonders of the nothingness within everything.

"hello. i'm not sure who i am talking to but hello. hopefully i am talking to someone, or something. otherwise i truly must be alone. it is awfully quiet here. this silence suffocates me, making each attempt for breath a task more than anything. a task that i care not much to see through.

i would like to stop breathing. i would like to be dead. not because of the world, or those people that put me in this place, but because i would like to be at peace. i think that is fair for anyone to ask. it does not seem unjustified.

i would just like to die knowing that my life meant anything at all. unfortunately that question will most likely not be answered,

as i slip away into the darkness. this void of nothingness, i cannot tell if it came from me. i cannot tell if i willed the world to be this way, without her. without the love of my life.

i will never see her again, not in person. ill not be able to hear her voice in my ear, feel her stare looking through me, or smell her familiar scent any longer. she has been taken away from me, her own decision of course.

and now she runs to someone else. while i sit here, waiting for her. for what seems like forever. i don't know where i am or how i got here in the first place.

waiting in the darkness, for anything more than a passing glance. "

yeah. idk. i'm writing this a day after i started it now, because my life is so fucking unorganized these days. jesus christ, id like to be fucking dead.

the moment that i am set free of financial and social obligation i will be set free of this pain that i carry, each and every day. no more. no more.