i have endured. [the story of nobody at all]

just one more time?

suddenly, i feel as though everything i have ever loved has never loved me in return. i am not sure if this is true, but it certainly seems to me on the inside.

the inside of my soul, where my questions linger and the answers to them are out of reach, floating amongst another empty space. inside it is all empty.

i seek opportunity to find purpose in my independence. to feel as though i have anything to offer to the crumbling universe at all. to the universe that has never given me a thing.

certainly nothing i could ever keep. so i sit here.

alone again. naturally.

"i feel as though i have also been robbed. robbed of such opportunities that once presented themselves in wonderful and fulfilling ways. opportunities that are now beyond my reach, always and forever.

we used to say that.

always and forever.

but it proved to not mean a thing at all, in the end. the end of it all. the end of all things completely. anything and everything of meaning in my life. my pathetic,

empty

useless

anxious

meaningless

life.

so unbelievably unfulfilling, even now, in the end. i lay awake at night, unable to overcome the fog of distant love and distant memories. sometimes i wish i had never experienced life with her at all.

because life without her is more painful than i could ever have been prepared for, and she enforces it as such. i suffer. i love her still, more than i can describe here, right now.

i wish i could remember the way it felt when she touched me. when her smell was within reach, her voice just within earshot. it was medicinal to me. she was everything to me.

and now she is gone. it sounds very generic i know, and i apologize, but this is what it is. i apologize for falling in love.

i would like to say that she came back to me, arms wide and heart open. but she didn't. she never came back. she went to someone else.

i've got no home anymore.

more so, i apologize for falling in love and remaining in that free fall, to my final days.

i didn't know it until she appeared. i've not been able to forget it since she disappeared. "

this is true, she haunts my soul. my existence. i wish that i could say her shadow follows me all day, to make sure that i am okay,

but it doesn't. she doesn't.

she does not care if i am okay. it is as though i had never existed, just as she has wished it to be. forever. my love for her will prove to lack meaning, serving no point at all

like me.

i would like to hold her, just one more time. to feel that warmth of contact, of any contact at all. any warmth. i would like to hear her voice again, knowing that it would rush through me.

but i cannot hear a thing.