i have endured. [the story of nobody at all]

reflection of the self, awareness fills the empty spaces.

so important to be aware of ones self. for my whole life i didnt really have any idea who i was, not really.

i had some idea, based on muffled feedback and distorted decision-making, but until recently i was not completely aware of who and what i was.

i thought i was the outgoing, quirky but quiet stoner filmmaker who had a relatable amount of baggage. i deemed myself the person i am truly not: one of the crowd.

i do not belong in any crowd. i have so much pain and i do not know what to do with it. because of that, it spills out onto the floor, allowing those close to me to step in it and react. usually, they wash the bottom of their feet clean and walk out the door.

i bring only issues, only pain and discontent. that is why she does not want me. that is why, deep down, nobody wants me.

i thought i was the kind of person who could hang out amongst crowds and really fit in with the rest, just doing whatever they wanted to do. sometimes of course i would bring forth my influence of film and video games, which would lead to entertaining and wholesome memories now, in retrospect.

i thought i was that kind of person who could just fit in. a normal puzzle piece like all the rest, utilized to complete a bigger picture. in reality however, which i have learned semi-recently, i know that i am not to be associated with any crowds.

i dont fit in with anyone, anywhere. almost as though i am invisible completely.

believe me, sometimes it feels as though i really am. it drives me mad. i go over it in my head, thinking i talk too much as i am never heard when i choose to speak.

nobody gives a shit about what i have to say, more often than not. i fall into the background, down the slope and into the nothingness.

why do i continue to feel this way and learn these things about myself, these horrible things that i wish i did not have to know and understand.

i suppose, for no other reason than the pathetically hopeless wish i have for my love to return to me. without it i am almost completely nothing.

without her i am nothing at all.

but she does not want me, as well as many people i used to know, love and cherish. this is another reality that i am to face, consistently.

it breaks me. everyday it breaks me. she speaks to me now, sometimes, casually. like she used to. it sounds like her through her text messages more often than not. i prefer it when she sends snapchats though, for i have not seen her in a long time.

almost longer than i can remember now. funny, isnt it? time. how it just slips out of control when you least expect it, do not want it to. she left a long time ago, taking all of me with her.

i do not know what she wants from me now. i do however know for fact that the reality of her and i ever being together, face to face, in love as we were and facing the world together,

is completely vanquished. terminated. annihilated. destroyed.

i miss it. i miss her love. i just miss her. i miss feeling like i belonged anywhere. with anyone. rather than by myself, which i have been for so long now.

how much must one endure? to smile again.