i have endured. [the story of nobody at all]

maggots in my mind.

"Oh man. I haven't been drunk like that in a long time. It's so weird to lose control like that, to really loosen up. None of my problems seemed to matter in that moment. I mean, I don't really have problems. Things are okay right now I think. Definitely an improvement from a few weeks ago, and definitely looking up.

I feel like I want to be under the influence almost all of the time and that really sucks. I miss the thrill of being high and the looseness of being drunk. After drinking last night and really feeling free for a bit, I realized that I felt better than I have in awhile. Despite my conflicting thoughts and moral reasoning, I still managed to pick myself up and have a good time. Now I find myself wanting to explore even further.

I don't smoke religiously anymore, for better or worse. I miss that the most. I'm even desperate to try more elaborate drugs. Psychedelics, even. I just want to see the world in a different way for a little while, that's all.

I just need a little bit to get the engine running. Some motivation and inspiration. "

i wrote this after i had consumed a fair amount of alcohol. i hadn't had a drink in quite some time before this, as i initially started out heavy with straight liquor in 2018 and then gave it up in the new year.

but here i am. worthless.