i have endured. [the story of nobody at all]

from afar, but ever so close.

here i am again, writing here. a lot has happened since my last entry. a lot a lot. a lot a lot a lot a lot. a lot. it feels as though it has been years. less than a year though, if i'm not mistaken.

but here i am again. further away from where i was than i've ever been, but feeling closer than ever. especially on evenings like this one. that loneliness that creeps in. something that is to be expected from long-term independence of course, but this in particular is just...painful.

with words i cannot describe it. but it leaves me feeling purely empty. right now, in this moment, i feel incredibly empty. everywhere except in my heart, from where you are reading these words now. everything else is silent. unmoving. nonexistent.

now i find myself living in a bachelor apartment in the city. financially, things could be (and have been) a lot worse. all of my belongings are here too. well, about 98% of them. i am also missing something central—my cat, Leila.

before i moved during the summer of 2022, i had to rehome my cat due to my not wanting her to have to live in a motel room with me. it just didn't seem right, nor humane. so i had her rehomed before i moved, to a nice place with loving owners. the thing is, i just miss her so much.

i had that cat from her first moments to the day i moved out of province. and not a day has passed since then that i've not thought of Leila. i miss her infinite amount of affection to give. her soothing purrs and lively kneading. i just especially miss her on nights like these.

i miss a lot of people too. when i take a second and think about it, i've lost more friends and romantic partners in the last 2-3 years than i can even keep track of. that's pretty sad, isn't it? there are certain individuals though, that i think about every day.

that sort of thing where you wake up with someone in your mind. perhaps after someone else has haunted your most recent sleep through your dreams. i can relate to that. it's almost as though Freddy Krueger haunts my dreams only for me to be comforted with the thought of a lost friend or loved one when i inevitably awaken.

silly, right? i don't know. these are just some of the things that my heart will conjure through words via Wattpad at this time of night. i feel as though i am not very much in my head. because of that maybe, people do not want to spend time with me nor talk to me. it is a very isolating feeling.

i feel as though this only worsens with the passing of time. but i just don't know how to stop it and i fear that before too long i will be completely invisible.