i have endured. [the story of nobody at all]

alone again. alone again with the herb.

as the title states, i am alone again. as i always am. as i've always been. as i will always be. thankfully, i do have the herb now!

from this moment on, these writings are up to date with my current life. i am amongst my 2nd semester in my second year of film school, and anxious as ever. i hate my fucking life.

"i'm sitting here. it really hurts y'know. all of the space around me. how could it be so suffocating? why can't i breathe? i suppose she still takes my breath away, even in her long absence...

so difficult. it is so difficult. i am trying my best to succeed in school, but i am so fucking anxious. i sit there, unable to think, consistently watching my behaviour out of fear and humility. i cannot live this way anymore, so i am glad that i have established a plan from this moment forward.

no longer will i have to deal with this pain, this suffocation. i don't think anyone would enjoy the wonderful feeling of being unable to breathe. least of all me, in all of my suffering.

i have finally obtained the herb once more, so no longer am i left sober and vulnerable to the pain. i like it when i can mute myself, numb myself in a way. but it never lasts.

i don't mean to complain however, nor do i want pity. i suppose i just want someone to know about all of this before i am gone.

because i will be. i will cease to exist and that is entirely okay with me. i deem it necessary at this point. no one deserves to suffer this much, for so long, all for being in love. i'll never let go of her either. i can't.

i don't look up anymore. probably because i used to see her in the sky, amongst the shining stars or the blinding sun.

now, i can only see her when i close my eyes. when the maggots within my mind take hold."

this is true, i no longer look to the skies. i see nothing in my daily life, as i am no longer looking for something to live for. that which i would live for has disappeared, and i cannot deal with those consequences any longer.

i am nothing.