i have endured. [the story of nobody at all]

forgotten at last, for what was remembered is now disregarded forever.

i really did lose, regardless.

i dont know, despite everything somehow i managed to still have some sort of expectations until today.
stuck inbetween my own life and my desirable death, i just do not know what to do with myself. what to do with whatever i have to offer.

i feel as though i have invested everything in her. in this. to no satisfying conclusion. of course i can not speak as though this is any new occurrence, as this happens more often than i would like to admit. more often than anyone would like to admit.

but its happening to me again, only this time i made the mistake of investing absolutely everything i had left. it didnt feel like much when it was mine, but as soon as it became hers and she disregarded it,

the significance of it has been real to me. just thinking about who and what i was, how set i was. how lucky i was. to have her, wonderful friends, a roof to sleep under.

everything that i thought i could have, will never be. everything that i wanted from my life, what could save me, i cannot have.

i do not want to rebuild another person, another life, again, for i do not have that energy. i dont have the passion to do so. love feels beyond me until i think about her. the ever growing void that she left me with.

now she will disappear completely into the night, and i will never again sit under the sun with her. never again.

there are no more moments to be had in the sun, because night approaches and the moon is bright. all i can do is try to stay warm, try to keep safe. until i just cannot do that anymore and i give up entirely.

i anticipate that ending much more, for i can not bear to continue this pathetic attempt for happiness and contentment. if it appears to be so undoubtedly out of my reach, to this point especially, why am i still waiting for her?

i love her too much, and i dont have anything without her. i am not anything without her.