i have endured. [the story of nobody at all]

ongoing stampede.

i think most of all i just dont want to be walked over anymore. its getting to be so exhausting and i just cant even move.

this consistent weight i feel over me, like i have fallen amidst the violent warpath of a stampede of angry bulls. my bones hurt. my body shakes. and i dont know how to stand up anymore.

my emotional wall crumbled quite some time ago, which then often led me to overwhelming emotional outbursts that continue even still. these hurt me too. something even worse than crying i think, is crying alone. with nobody there to hold you, to tell you everything will be alright in the morning.

i believe that this person is not with me to tell me these things simply because they are not true. the universe does not want to lie to me. things will not be alright in the morning. i wake up every morning after hours of inconsistent time drifting between consciousness, hoping that this day will be different from the last.

that maybe somebody could see me today. someone would say something, or acknowledge me here. i really need that. because i feel so alone here. i feel as though i really am living on my own plain of existence, separate from those i cherish, those i loathe, and those ive no knowledge of.

all i do know is that this has exhausted me. like a vampire from gothic fiction, this endeavour has sucked my veins dry. it hurts to move, to progress to the next day, knowing that my fate is this.

i dont like being alone. i used to relish in my independence, but truly i dont much like being alone. especially not now, when i need someone most. but where is anyone?

walking through this wasteland that is my mind, i am searching for those moments in the sun with my beautiful girl. i miss her more than i can express here, maybe ever. she is farthest from me, which digs into my insides with serrated steel blades.

i think about her each and every day. wondering if she did the same. wondering when she stopped thinking about me too. i know she doesnt think about me now. she has moved on much farther, beyond me and my pathetic attempts to love her.

she knows better. that she is too good for me anyway. she wouldnt put it that way, but she knows as well as i do. even still, i am so lucky to have been able to hold her.

i hold onto those moments amidst my constant pain, probably because in those moments i was somebody i didnt despise. she made me feel like somebody i wanted to be, for the first time in my life.

now i look at myself, without any positive attributes:

the suicidal stoner.

that is what i am, and the title fits i suppose. i am immensely suicidal and i havent *not been high in longer than i can remember now. it makes the pain easier for sure.

even still these things haunt my daily life. i have no one. ive had no one for so long now, i cant remember the group dynamic. i cant remember confiding in my friends because ive not got any.

anybody who did know me just thinks me mad now, or deems me a horrible person. my reputation is nonexistent, after being previously, and probably rightfully, tarnished. now i feel outlawed from almost everywhere.

where do i even belong? and does anybody want me there? does anybody want me at all?