i have endured. [the story of nobody at all]

this shit doesn't even matter at this point.

so basically, i made a voice memo thing for my *now* ex, for her to listen to one day.

she never did. i listened to it and this is the recording, word for word. long pauses included.

"for ___...

hey kid. how are ya doing? um... i have resorted to doing this because i know we can't talk
.....
over the break. it is december 27 at 11:10 pm and this is improvised as it usually is. there's a lot of things that i've written that i could read from but
......
it just doesn't feel right to do that right now.
um...
we haven't talked for a few days... or maybe longer than that i don't know. but this break has been incredibly difficult on me, because of the last conversation that we had.

um,
understandably so. it's pretty heavy stuff and i know we'll talk about it.

we never did.

my mind is already telling me what you'll say and i'm hoping that i'm wrong because i don't want to lose you.

that time by the hammock that night, the day we broke up, i was thinking a lot about that. what we said to each other, what we agreed on.
how we were gonna really try...

and i think we could really still do that. but the only way we could do that is if you still love me
........
and i'm not sure if you do.

obviously it breaks my heart that you've even considered being interested in someone else, behind my back.

without me knowing.

but i knew...
and i didn't want to tell you that.
i've known for quite awhile, before you told me.

um, i've wanted to message you
.......
literally every day. i've thought about you every day. that's why it has been so hard on me.

because i know that i can't.

i know that it's not time and i'm just waiting for break to be over
......
so that i can see you and at least be in the same room as you. one last time.

um
...............
this is no way for someone to spend the holidays. i got in a fight with my mum and now i'm at my dads.

i made the mistake of confiding in her and
..............
out of anger she said a lot of things hat really hurt me. she told me that all of this that is happening is karma.

i didn't give her details about us. i just said that i was upset and she said it was karma for things i had done in the past i guess.

or
......
something rather like that. um, that's hurtful to hear.

and everything is just telling me to give up on you, like you thought i would in the past.
but if i did that i'd be going against all that i've believed in since we met each other
.....
or since i met you.
and i can't do that.

i'll let you leave me like i think you will.
but.....
i couldn't do that to you
..........
nor will i
...........
and i don't know if you'll ever hear this
but i want to be with you till the end
of the line.

i'm hoping that doesn't come soon, especially with my near death experiences lately.

i've been thinking about how you've been during this break. what you've been doing. the music you've been listening to.

but i've also been
.............
checking up as much as i could. in the smallest ways.

pretty pathetic i know
but
.............
you've left me no choice.

it's the closest i can get to still being with you.

i'm not really sure what i did to deserve this but i must've done something to be granted your silence.

i wonder if you think about me. if you think about us, and our relationship.

and even now, especially now i find myself wondering if everything i've ever
done
felt
or said
has been enough
......
or if i should just give up.

i'm scared for that
.........
conversation that we're gonna have soon
.....
but
....
i at least want to see you.

i have something to give you, regardless. you have to take it.

..........................
i love you so much
........
and
............
i want you to be happy.

if that can't be with me

then that is for me to live with

............

depending on how this conversation goes i'll leave you alone and i won't bother you again.

but i just want you to know
that i will not change the way i feel about you.

that you'll never leave my mind.

regardless of what others have said, i still know that

you are the love of my life

..................

and i'll never be willing to give up on you.

i hope you had a good christmas, babes.

i miss you
......
and i'm sorry.

.........
i'll see you soon. "

flashback friday, going back to that shit. i'm not sure what to feel, except the usual emptiness that inhabits my heart and soul.

i'm alone.