i have endured. [the story of nobody at all]

there and back (here) again.

i have found myself once more writing here in this eternal abyss of my own pain and longing. this is not where i would have liked to find myself, here in 2022. at this point in my life i have made great strides, advancements, moving forward and paving the way for a more simplistic existence. or, at least, i thought i was doing such things.

it appears now that i am more beside myself, more alone, than i have ever been in my entire life. i moved away to a different province, hours away from my homeland. it never felt like home but it was, and i know that now especially. i left behind the only family and friends that i've got.

i am not sure what i left all of this behind for. i thought it was for greater aspirations and a happier way of living for myself, but i have found myself once more sinking into this inescapable abyss. i find myself once again waking up every morning and imagining all the various scenarios where my life spontaneously ends.

if only i could reach such a fantasy for real, as i know that such a thing would finally put an end to this suffering of mine. that which i have endured thus far. it has led me nowhere, however, and it feels more unfulfilling now than ever. i feel so far away from everything i was aiming towards, now struggling to keep my head above the water.

i dream of the life that i had not so long ago. one where i was not alone. where i was acknowledged, heard, realized. this is something that i miss very much, here in my forced independence. it feels like i have been sentenced to punishment. forced to be alone, beside myself and entrapped in all of these horrible thoughts and feelings.

i miss that life so very much. i would do just about anything to secure even a single moment of that sunlight. i miss the way that it shined upon me.