i have endured. [the story of nobody at all]

bitter cold and so fucking anxious, i cannot believe it.

thursday, january 16, 2020.

things were terrible today. i can't fucking believe how terrible everything was today. maybe it wasn't a big deal, maybe none of it was. maybe i am out of my mind completely.

probably.

"oh fucking man. i can't do it. i don't wanna. and i don't wanna. i don't wanna at all. i'm so fucking done, so unbelievably fucking finished, to the point of complete and total annihilation.

it's over, me. it's finally over. i need to eat, i haven't eaten anything today but i don't know what to eat. that'd be the question. i could make an egg sandwich, but it would take too long. i will starve.

my stlth vape fucked with me today too, the main source of my nicotine addiction. triple hauls back to back, followed by bong rips. this is how i live. it's the only way to be less aware of how terrible everything is. anyways, back to the story.

today, my vape pod (within the vape itself) leaked completely into the interior and froze from the cold of the outdoors. i had to wait for a bus in negative weather for over two hours not once, not twice, but motherfucking thrice.

fuck my life.

i finally managed to drag myself back to my apartment, or pathetic room i suppose. it is quite large though, which is nice as well as necessary. i got home and just broke down. for about six to seven hours straight.

i lashed my arm. just to make sure i was still feeling anything. unfortunately, i am still alive. unfortunately.

not a lot of blood drawn however. that's probably for the better i suppose. i cried and pleaded and in all honesty,

i think this is the moment that i lost my mind completely. and it is even more disturbing to add that i am aware of this, having to feel the pain and suffocation of its grip forever, until i am finally

dead. "

yeah, it's been pretty fucking rough as always.
i am sorry that this has not been uplifting, but it appears that we have reached beyond that point. i remain in the shade.

comfort can be found in the darkness, hidden away from the world. perhaps i'll find it before i am dead.

perhaps.