i have endured. [the story of nobody at all]

truly baffling.

"this moment is not real. I refuse to believe it for a second.

Oh boy. Six months! That's fucking crazy. I can't really believe it. I should be enjoying it right now but part of me is in pain again. I think I am always in pain. Maybe I just forget about it sometimes? Distractions are definitely an integral part of this process, but I don't always have those. Even when I do, sometimes it doesn't work and I sink into my current state of mind: sadness.

I have no legitimate reason to hate ____. Pathological jealousy? My habit of being overprotective? I'm not sure exactly. I just know that I hate the mention of his name. It hurts my soul. ___ is the most wonderful person to walk the planet, I know that for a fact, but she's an expert when it comes to hurting me unintentionally. I feel that I may be too sensitive.

Far too often I think of going to the pharmacy and buying my final package of sleeping aid. More often nowadays. Horrible thoughts that shouldn't enter my mind, especially at this time, but there they are. Prominent. Relevant. Irresistible. Kind of like my reoccurring addiction to artificial stimulants like alcohol and marijuana. Some things can't be helped.

I'd be okay with the end of me. "

i look back on this with regret. mostly regret for not having made this decision so long ago.

i will be okay with the end of me.