i have endured. [the story of nobody at all]

check up, check in, looking.

i find myself consistently checking up on those i am no longer in contact with, through the medium of social media. if i cant speak to them any longer, i can, at the very least, keep up with how they are doing. what their life is like moving forward, what they are keeping up to. god, its gotta be more than what i'm doing.

it feels very much pathetic to do such a thing. but i've no choice really. i long for these people in such a way i can not describe. i miss them. if i can have any insight to their lives, i will. im better off not being a part of these individuals lives. so i just check up on them from the outside, remaining by myself on the inside.

i feel very empty, very much alone and beside myself. my birthday is in a few days. i'll be turning 21. it doesnt feel real to an extent, as i figured i would be long gone by this point. but im still here. i suppose i am even too weak to do that which i know i need to.

im not excited for my birthday. it just feels like a day where i will especially want attention, knowing that i can not have it. least of all from those i would like it from. i wish i could say that i was excited about anything anymore.

i just kind of lay dormant as the world continues to turn. everything moves and changes around me but i don't change at all. i never have, which may be the worst part, my fatal flaw. i do feel as though ive no one to blame but myself now. i do not want to blame anyone else anyhow.

i got myself here. i put myself here. but in all honesty, from the bottom of my soul i did not mean to. truly i had good intentions. i know i have made mistakes. perhaps the biggest one being that i was always unable to change. maybe the amount of change wasnt visible enough to the world when it happened.

when i met her my world changed for the better. i dont think anyone noticed because i was still in my pit, but she made my life so much better. every single day. i really felt like a different person, a better person. i felt loved. i felt like someone worthy of love, someone worth existing, for the first time in my life.

she could not see the change that she sparked in me though, leaving before that change could truly reveal itself. i didnt want her to go. that was the last thing i wanted. i just want it all back. i dont like being this way, feeling this way.

i am truly repulsive.