i have endured. [the story of nobody at all]

mushroom experience.

"i can't even begin to process the balance in the world. the fact that it exists within everything we do is just, i don't know, crazy. i fully believe that with time, effort and patience we can learn everything we are going to need to know to survive. maybe i'm just grasping at straws but it seems like we wouldn't exist unless we were already equipped with what was necessary to save ourselves and the universe at large. we as human beings hold inside of us the ability to change. it all just comes down to choice in the end. will we save ourselves? do we want to? the hardest questions require the deepest of sacrifices. if we are to save ourselves, this establishes that we are in need of saving. what will go wrong? why? who will ruin everything? we don't know that yet, because it hasn't happened. all we can do is theorize and wait. until then, until we reach this point of survival, realize that you are already living within it, and surviving. from our beginnings to our unpreventable ends, we survive. withstanding outrageous amounts of pain and consequence, you crumble into an abyss of nothing. no one. just nothing. you sit and you take it in for what seems like forever. you try to hold on to anything and everything of even the tiniest bit of significance, just to stay connected to the living world. it does not matter however, as you are already dead. once you cannot hold it back anymore, and everything you knew of yourself ceases to exist, you let go. you die. and like you, the memories begin to fade away into nothing. of course, you'll feel as though you are nothing so you will just sit here and wonder how anything could ever possibly change? how could anythung ever be that perfect aain? was it ever perfect or did you just favour it over the hellscpe yyouve neever been able to escape. after all, once you die it all dies with you so hw could you even remmeber what was good and what was bad/? you will refuse to belive that you need anything a alll and everything you were once connected to, or tied to, wll drift further and further awy, until you finally stand up and chase it. chase it until your breath escapes you. until your legs begin to ache. until your skin begins to deteriorate. say goodbye to the world of cruelty. say goodbye to the sadness, and the pain, and th loneliness, and the desire, and the memories, and the love and thr affection and everything you could ever know and uderstand. it would all just disappear like that if you willed yourself to do it. why cant you? you are so unbelievably weak when you feel your strongest. we feel strongest when we die and have tolerated all strands of pain throughout our lives. when we discover our weaknes.s our weakness will be our destruction. you lay naked in the world, stripped bare of your worries and despairs. but whUY? WHY DID IT ALL DISAPPEAR? WHERE DID IT ALL GO AND WHEN WILL IT CREEP UP TO DELIVER A FATAL BLOW? it all comes down to the fatal blow, to the last stab, to the final shot. until then make what you want to matter matter. make what you want to happen happen. the world is yours and this discovery can not be robbed from you now. you;ll remeber this forever now. now nw now nw nw now now now now now when you finally nees to relax and understand your purpose of being here in the frist palce.  hey you, out there o the road always doimgnwhay your told hey you out there beyond the wall breaking battles in the hall can you hel me? hey yu dont tell me theres n hoep at all. together we stand divided we fall divided w fall divided we fll divieded wl fall divided wel fall divided we fall difvided awel call ddifvviated we wfall fddivita ed we fall divided we fall. amd os tjerw ajubody whp will finally hearme and understand? i just sont even know anymore.  . is ther wnayt is ther is there ahybody is there anybody out therw> is there a is there anybody out there? If so, please explain to me why it is that i cant be okay? id i dont really know if i was ever oka okay but sometimes it feels like i was a long time aho. i just dont know where i am nw now and i want to be led back to where i once wa. i want to remain there and die knowing that it meant somthinsomething in the end. it just feels like there is nobody out there, and i dont know where to turn. i feel an isolation around me and everything that i feel, like a blanket of fire that holds me within and incinerates me int nothing. i just feel like ive lost it all and i dont knw where i haev to go to find it. i just feel as though there will be nobody home. i judt just want to know that im coming home to something none day. i want to know if it is who it seems, if i can finally relax sand just try to understand me.  oo babe when i pick up the phone theres sill nobody home. still nobody home. still nobody home. still nobody home. i got nothing to .............i have nothing becauese i am nthing. i am nothing. everything is nothing but everything is everything. o w i was wondering if we could just goback to bed. its sacscary out there and im not feelin okay. love turns grey like the skin of a dying man, night after night we pretend itsa aright but i hve grown older and you have grown colder and nothing is very uch fun anymore. i can feel one of my turns coming on. and i..............feel cold as razor blafe, tight as a tarnicade, dry as a funeral dru,. gijr;e'pppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppr run to the bedroom in the suitcase on the lefy yull find my favorite agxe dont look so frightened this is just a passing phase one of my vbad days i=would you like you watch tv and bet between the sheets or contemplate the silent freeway would you lke something o eat would you like to lear tof gyl fly would you like to see me try awwwwwhhhhhnoe woul look would you likee to cal the cops, do yu think its time i stoppeds??? why are you running away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!grpleasecomebacktomeimalonedontrunaway. plea come back and just deel feel please please come back and just feel what w what we felt together please. it felt so good and i dont know what to do without that feeling. please dont leave me here alone. how could you go>?? wennu know howi need uneeduneeduneedu. howcanyouteatmethiswayryrunningawayohbabe why are you running away i just dont understand bpease pleae please please come backkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk i just need you here and ic ant do it alone and i just cant deal with it rugght now right now r every or ever so please helop please baby please its just fr a uts its just for a little while so that i can repair what has been broken. just so i can undo these damages.hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

i wrote this on mushrooms during the summer of 2019. this was amidst a difficult long distance relationship, a physically and mentally straining work schedule, and the overall decline of _____ ______ as a whole.

this was difficult. it got much worse. i miss the aid of being intoxicated, away from my thoughts, separate from my aching heart and empty soul.