i have endured. [the story of nobody at all]

doom.

i would like it to be known that i really, really didn't want to hurt anybody. there have been points in my life where i aimed to hurt somebody, yes, but i am not that person anymore. i would like to think i havent been for awhile. i cant make up for the wronging that i have done already, to all of you. for that i am forever ashamed, as well as embarrassed. as you can see, i am now, a joke of a person entirely. i aim not to hurt people and i hurt them more. i can never have what i want. ill never be satisfied here. i know i know i know that i need to die because there is nothing else for me. i dont want to hurt anybody else. i dont want to be this person any longer. i hope one day you can understand that, if you do not already. i dont need to exist. and when the time comes i wont anymore. i know that i cant do this much longer. things are becoming sort of too much, and i cant handle this pain anymore. the loneliness and regret that i carry i would not wish upon my worst enemy. i wouldnt. i deserve this as i deserve to die. i do not deserve to exist. with everything that has happened im hardly a person, let alone someone worth loving. now i am a waste of space. i dont want to waste anybody's time anymore. i dont want to be this person anymore. i royally fucked up. everything. things i had forgotten, even. i even pushed away the only person who was helping me be something better. now i sit and dwell on that, painstakingly waiting until i dont have to feel anything anymore. getting out of bed is getting increasingly more difficult for me to do. i just dont want to move anymore. i dont want to exist at all. the people i care about the most could move on without me bothering them. truly though, i feel i can say this. all i wanted was what i had. i had something wonderful. i didnt mean to lose it but i did, and ive spent every single day regretting it and paying for it. this is ultimately what i deserve, and this is what my life has been for a long time now. it is almost my 21st birthday. i am prepping for the worst birthday weekend i have ever had, spending it locked in a room. that which i want, what i need to keep up with this fight, is unreachable. im doomed.