i have endured. [the story of nobody at all]

i am still here. i do not know where, but here is where i am.

"regret.
i do not know.

i don't regret it.
so why the fuck do i regret it.

i just don't know."

i myself just do not understand why it is that i had to find this, nor do i understand why it was written, for i have no idea what the meaning is behind it.

rather, i would like to know whether or not it has something to do with me at all.

if it does, i just do not understand. you threw me away when i needed you most, when my world crumbled. after you, like dominoes my world fell apart around me. i don't know why these things are floating around in my head.

i do not know why you are still floating around in my head. i suppose it must be the trauma. regardless of the fact, regardless of as to why you are in here, i still
          cannot
                        get
                               you
                                       out.

it is truly unfortunate. the fact is, i have things now that could lift me from this hole i've fallen into. i can't truly appreciate them, nor can i fully pay attention to them, because i am still battling this. you. my love for you. what you did with that. what you did to me.

clearly i have not improved in my absence. i was not supposed to be here. perhaps i should not be. but i am. people have noticed.

unfortunately those people are out of my reach. i can't help but tell myself that this is for the better, for if they were in my presence, i might hurt them without meaning to.

i do not want to hurt anyone, as much as i do not want to be in so much pain any longer. i wish for nothing more than my own contentment, so that those around me will also be spared of any pain that i could potentially cause.

i do not mean to ramble. i am not sure what these words mean. i am not sure if they will resonate with anyone, or anything. i am just not sure.

truly, i do not know a thing. all i know is that i am not okay. that this could potentially ruin everything that which i have tried so hard to have in the first place. i do not want to lose anymore.

i suppose i have not lost enough already. i suppose i have to lose more. maybe i haven't learned a thing. i just thought that in all of this time, something might have happened.

nothing.

there is someone in my head but it's not me.