Final Fantasy Oneshots and Drabbles

Pranks and Goats, Goats and Pranks, Does It Matter Either Way?: Dissidia 012

(This was a request from the wonderful @bbaj739)

Garland was done. The more he stared at his weapon, shattered to bits and covered in glitter and sparkly garbage, the more done he realized he was.

There was a note on the remains of his weapon which he picked up. "I hope you like it! -K.P." He read aloud, before crumbling the note. "It is official. I am going to STRANGLE that jester."

"Having issues?" A voice called behind him, and the conqueror turned around to see the sorceress Ultimecia leaning against the wall. Garland tried to kick the remains of his sword away, but they just stuck to the ground. "What do you think?" He snapped in response. The woman just waved a hand. "Listen, you're not the only one who's special, Garland. He broke my weapons too." She yawned. "Tensions are running high thanks to Kefka, and if someone doesn't stop that clown, we're all going to kill each other. And we all know that's exactly what he wants."

Garland huffed. "And how do you suppose we do that? I may be Chaos's confidante but I'd prefer going nowhere near that depraved lunatic." Ultimecia rolled her eyes. "Depraved lunatic? Look who's talking." She muttered, then said the next line aloud. "I'm not going near him either. Maybe we could...trick one of the other warriors to be our sacrifice."

There was a pause as the warrior considered it. "Who would our scapegoat be?" He asked, crossing his arms. Now it was Ultimecia's turn to contemplate. "Presumably, Cloud of Darkness is out of the picture. I can't exactly imagine her doing something like that. As well as Kuja. He'd leave the second it got boring."

Garland cleared his throat. 'What about your Emperor?" He snapped. Ultimecia yawned. "I believe you've heard the carrot and stick anaology?" She asked suddenly. There was an awkward pause. "What does that have to do with this conversation?" He asked rudely. The sorceress laughed. "There's only so many carrots I can use for my Emperor, Garland. He's serving his use quite nicely, and I don't want to bring out the stick quite yet."

Then she went silent, and walked past Garland, looking at the expanse of land before her. "How about Sephiroth?" She questioned, pointing toward the man, who was battling Exdeath in the distance. "He's smart enough to hold his own against Kefka, and stupid enough to not realize he's being tricked."

Garland thougth about it for a second, and nodded. "That would work." Ultimecia smirked. "Fine then. You get him, tell him he's going to be left in the middle of nowhere if he doesn't comply, and I'll watch from the shadows."

Garland ignored her snide comments and stormed away, his cloak flowing out behind him. "See you then."

*

"Let me get this straight." Sephiroth snapped, as Garland dragged him one of the halls by the arm in a literal iron grip. "You're going to KILL me if I don't speak to that lunatic jester for you?"

"That's the gist of it, yes." Garland barked. He flung the swordsman into a room, slammed the door shut and locked it. "Good luck." He added, before turning on his heel and stalking away. Ultimecia joined him, holding her hand up in a victory high-five. Garland looked at her confused, before continuing to walk away. "Idiot." She muttered, before going a separate way.

Sephiroth meanwhile grit his teeth and tightened his hold on his sword, before the lights came on with a flourish to reveal Kefka staring directly at him, causing the normally calm SOLDIER to jump ever so slightly. "Well, look who came to say hello!" The jester cackled, shifting his position in the air. "A scapegoat soldier! Oh, this is going to be fun!"

Sephiroth crossed his arms, trying to ignore the jester's sickening tone. "Shut it, Kefka. As the representative of the rest of the warriors, I have to ask you to stop pulling these childish pranks." He said calmly, trying to ignore Kefka clearly holding back a snicker.

He failed. The harlequin burst out cackling, and leaned back. "They pulled you here under threat of DEATH because of some GLITTER! THAT'S HILARIOUS!" He yelled. Sephiroth looked toward the door, silently cursing Garland for locking it. Then Kefka immediately went silent. "I do wonder why they chose you. You're CERTAINLY dangerous on more than one level. That armored philistine and slimy, old geezer must be TERRIFIED!"

Sephiroth crossed his arms, now confusd. "What are you getting at, Kefka?" He snapped. The clown laughed again. "It isn't obvious? Oh, silly me. I forgot how limited your brain was!" He waved his hands. "They fight my power because they want to conquer, while I fight because I know better! We're all DESTINED to an endless array of doom and death and torture, so there's no point to anything e do, including my antics!" His cackling got louder. "THERE'S NO POINT!"

"You are insane." Sephiroth whispered, gripping the masamune. Kefka rolled his eyes. "And you JUST noticed? Tell the battle-obsessed nimrod and his ancient girlfriend their weapons will be fixed by tomorrow. Ta-ta!"

The door swung open and Sephrioth took his chance to swiftly get out of there. Kefka watched him go. "Maybe I'll break his sword next." The jester snickered. "That'll be FUN!"

He dissolved into maniacal laughter again, before vanishing into thin air.

******

Here you go Circle! Sorry that it's not that long, but I hope you like it either way!

hi. I'm alive. Sorry for the long hiatus, I was having burnout, but I'm good now :). 

Anyway, Kefka. Kefka's cool. He's not my favorite villain but he's not that pile of garbage Emperor Mateus, so he's cool. (I may have a small bit of hatred for the Emperor  if that wasn't completely obvious). Either way, I liked writing Kefka, his speaking style is chaotic (obviously), and it's fun to use.

I really don't have much else to say here, so vote, comment, etc, Have a great day/night everyone!