Final Fantasy Oneshots and Drabbles

A Witch, a King, and an IKEA. What Could Go Wrong?: Dissidia NT

Ultimecia needed a new dining set.

And among the choices spread out in front of her on the library table, she hated all of them.

The witch crossed her arms and sighed. It wasn't her fault her pine chairs were disintegrated. Last Thursday, Kefka had decided to switch everyone's appearances for the "fun of it" and the SHOCK and HORROR of waking up as Jecht had caused Ultimecia to basically explode.

What was weirder is that Kefka pleaded innocent and swore left right and center that it wasn't him, but he still ended up cleaning the bathrooms either way. 

"Anyone wish to help me pick out a dining set?" She barked, drumming her fingers on the table.

The two other warriors of Spiritus in the library, Golbez and Kam'lanaut, looked at each other, and immediately booked it out of there. Ultimecia watched them go, before scribbling down a note to turn them into frogs when she got the chance.

"That's that, I presume." She grumbled, leaning back in her chair. That's when she heard shuffling behind and froze.

Another warrior was DIGGING THROUGH HER STUFF. Ultimecia whipped around, completely ready to smite the intruder.

Then she saw who it was and silently groaned to herself. Many of the new Warriors of Spiritus were bothersome, the two who ran and Snow Villiers as a clear examples.

No one liked Snow Villiers.

But one of them was on a whole other level of annoyance. And at the moment, the fallen king of irritation was ruffling through Ultimecia's papers like they were his.

"I don't want to be that one person, dear." Ardyn said, a clear simper evident in his voice. "But, judging by these...images, you either have a tiny budget or no taste." Ultimecia scoffed, and ripped the paper away from him. "Then why don't you go buy your own dining set, Chancellor? Get lost."

The witch went back to scanning the products, while Ardyn decided to not get lost and continued snooping around. Ultimecia ignored him for a few minutes, before he broke the silence AGAIN.

"You do know the warriors of Spiritus are banned in the IKEA, correct?" He asked, scribbling something down on a piece of paper. "Thanks to the clown and whatever he did last week." Ultimecia rolled her eyes, then she paused.

She had not. "And what do you suppose I do about that, Chancellor? Disguise myself as a warrior of Materia and walk in? They'd catch me immediately."

The man shot her a smug look. "I could fix that...for a price. I'm quite good at that sort of thing."

"I doubt that." Ultimecia muttered under her breath so Ardyn wouldn't catch it. He did anyway and smirked even more. "Anyway, how much would your services cost?"

Ardyn thought about it for a second. "Ten thousand up front. And we'll discuss the rest later." The witch hissed, but she pulled out the money either way.

"This better be worth it. Or you'll end up as a frog with Golbez and Kam'lanaut."

***

Walking into an IKEA, disguised as the Prince, with a witch, was not exactly how Ardyn was planning to spend a Thursday.

Then again, ever since coming to World B, every day was a chaotic mess. Last week's disguise scandal was a good example. "That was the most fun I've had in a while-"

Ultimecia suddenly started rapid-fire tapping him, and Ardyn groaned. She was even more annoying disguised as her nemesis Squall. Something about the stupid pout...

"Do you know how to navigate this place?" The witch barked, stamping her foot. He glared at her. "How am I supposed to know-"

Then he stopped. An idea was forming. And this time, he didn't have to throw Kefka under the bus to get it to work.

Ardyn waved a hand and gestured further in. "Of course I do, dear! Why would I not?" Ultimecia crossed her arms. "And how would YOU know that?" She hissed.

"I was in here last week buying a recliner. For my apartment." He replied smoothly.

It wasn't exactly a lie. Sephiroth had shredded the last one.

The witch still didn't look convinced, but she stepped out of the way. Ardyn began walking down the hall, making sure to hide the map they had behind a sofa cushion. "Where exactly are we going?" He heard Ultimecia ask. "These are kitchens."

"It's around here." Ardyn lied, when he noticed exactly what he wanted to see, before Ultimecia did. "Oh, would you look at that! Here's the dining sets!"

He pushed her in front of both Squall and Noctis, undid the disguise spell, and immediately dove behind a wall to watch the show.

"Ultimecia!" Squall spat, bracing his gunsword. "What are you doing here? Weren't you warriors of Spiritus banned from here?"

Ultimecia glanced down, noticed the disguise was gone, and immediately began to bristle. "ARDYN!" She yelled, magic sparking around her. "I'LL KILL YOU FOR THIS!"

Noctis jumped when she yelled the Chancellor's name but calmed down after a second. "You're the only one here." He replied, pulling out his blade. "Ardyn's nowhere to be found."

"Yeah, you old crone." Squall snapped. "Now GET OUT!"

Ardyn watched the fight ensue, and walked away, rubbing his blade, when his phone rang. He picked it up. "Hmm, yes? What do you want?"

"Have you seen Ultimecia?" It was Sephiroth. Joy. Ardyn rolled his eyes. "Hello to you too, angel. And, no I haven't seen the witch."

He paused. "But I did see Kefka with her a few minutes ago. Seems they were heading into Materia's territory."

Sephiroth grumbled a curse, and Ardyn clicked the phone off with another smirk.

"What a chaotic place indeed."

*******

this counts as Ardyn content right.

Anyway, IKEA. I like meatballs and I like Final Fantasy. And what better to write about than Ardyn leaving Ultimecia in an IKEA?

I'll probably write an x-reader with him later.

Anyway, vote, comment, etc. Have a great day/night everyone!