This Is Stella's Reality

August 10, 2014

The hot water steamed the glass surrounding Bucky's shower. He was pressed against me, tilting my head back into the water. His metal hand rested on my jaw, and our eyes held a steady gaze. He was so much taller than me, even with my head thrown all the way back, we could still keep eye contact.

His fingers massaged my scalp with a vanilla scented shampoo. The sensation was hypnotic, and I felt as if I would fall asleep right then. My eyes blinked slowly up at him. Bucky chuckled in front of me, "You're so beautiful, doll."

I squinted my eyes. He had a fond smile on his face, his lips moved to meet mine, but he hesitated for a moment. His eyes searched mine, "Is it okay if I kiss you?"

I smiled, "Yes, Bucky."

It was a soft kiss, quick and chaste. He pulled away and leaned my head back again, "Well, we're just friends. I thought I'd still ask."

My chest filled with butterflies. We're just friends.

Bucky rinsed the shampoo from my hair and lathered his conditioner through it. My hair will smell like Bucky's.

The thought drove me crazy, and I swallowed my fear that the rest of the team would notice. Only Bruce and Tony are here. They don't pay attention to things like that.

I said a silent prayer that they had not heard us come home, not heard us in the practice room, not heard us come upstairs, and not heard that only one bedroom door opened and closed.

It was late, past midnight, they were likely all asleep. Only Bucky and I were awake, washing each other's hair.

He had to sit on the shelf against the wall in order for me to reach his hair. He smiled up at me, holding my hips in his hands as I stood between his legs. Water was trickling down my skin, and Bucky kissed it away as it reached my stomach. The hairs of his beard tickled my skin, and I shivered in his touch.

He breathed a laugh against my skin, "Will we ever do this again?" He held me close to him.

My heart skipped a beat, "Do what again?"

"Fuck."

I saw stars again like in the training room. My voice came out a whisper against the rushing water, "Do you want to do this again?"

"Of course I do."

I glanced my eyes down to his. His blue eyes sparkled up at mine, "Stel, I know I keep saying this, but," he paused and looked away from me. His gaze stared past the shower walls, off into nothingness, "you're special to me. I don't want to break your heart, but I don't know if I'm ready for a relationship. I don't know how I really feel about you. My mind is so," he took another breath, closing his eyes. His fingers bore into my hips. I'll have bruises there later.

My fingers stopped moving in his hair. He breathed again, "My mind is so damaged. I can't trust half of what's in there." He looked up at me again, "I know I'm attracted to you, and I know I like being around you. You make me happy."

I offered him a soft smile, "Bucky, I'm okay with this being us for a while or forever or whatever happens. We don't need to rush. We can be," I breathed out a laugh, "friends with benefits."

He smiled and looked at his feet. The water was dripping off of us and splashing onto the shower floor. "Yeah," Bucky's voice sounded far away, "friends with benefits."

I lifted his face with my fingers burying into his beard, motioning him to the running water. His eyes watched mine as he stood again, towering over me, dipping his head into the shower water. The suds from the shampoo slipped down his form.