WITH ME

chapter 21

"Jisoo, maybe three days without me is enough for you to give yourself  enough time to think about what you did and all I want to ask you now is for your explanation"

My expression was blank so I looked straight into Jisoo's eyes and I could see in her eyes the remorse for what she did and the concern, but instead I was happy because of what I saw in her eyes but I could not feel anything. 

it made my inner self laugh sarcastically. Maybe my love has been overshadowed by the my angered I feel for her and what she did to me but enough  to thank myself  for having courage of giving her the chance to explain that is far from my usual self because I don't do it every time someone makes a mistake from me, even if it kneel down and begged ,I don't, but for her and our nearly eight years of having each other and being in a relationship,  it's also just right for me to hear her explanation.

"First of all Irene I just want to apologize"

she started but I just didn't say a word, she knew that I never wanted from her how sorry she was  and how she feel remorse to what she did nor I even wanted to give the forgiveness she wanted.

Jisoo doesn't know where she will start her explanation because she knows that whatever she does to apologize to Irene it will be impossible. 

But she knew in herself that this was just the only opportunity for her to redeem her wrongdoings so she would do everything.

"I know I made a mistake a great mistake Irene and I don't deny it nor even think myself clean. I know a simple sorry would not turn things back to what it should be but all I am asking Irene is for you to give me a second chance, Irene I don't know what leads me  to betray you but I regret what I did i really do. Irene..ahh... mm..ah... "

I don't know but my throat seems to have dried up and  all the training I've done and all the words I've mastered for three days that I want to tell her I can't say it right now, something is holding me back to say them and my tongue seems to be paralyzed because it became unmovable and to add my nervousness was Irene's deadly arrow -like gaze that looked so directly at my soul and all my life it was only now that I seemed to have lost confidence in myself and lost the courage to explain myself.

"sorry"  that's all I said

because no matter what way of making explanations, I only want one thing and that is her forgiveness ans second chances.

Irene is holding her engagement ring and thinking about the times she and Jisoo have been together

"Is the time we've been together long enough for me to give her my forgiveness?"  my heart internally spoke.

 "But you did everything for your relationship and for you to be enough and you fought for your love to everyone, but why did she still hurt you in a way you can't imagine she could do to you" my mind retorted.

"Maybe it's not that bad to give her a chance to make up for her mistake and I'm sure she regrets what she did for all we know that not every one is perfect"  my heart is eager of giving her chances,

"Oh my gosh! still it's not enough to give her a chance because infidelity is not an accident but it is a deliberate sin because if you love someone you will never or even think about hurting her because for the only reason that you love that person. "

I am even more confused because of the justifications of my heart and mind. I know Jisoo has a hard time explaining because she is usually had this self -confident but at these times she is  like a withered vegetable so maybe it's better that I just ask her personally so that my questions can be answered and I can make a decision once and for all.

"since when Jisoo?" 

she didn't expect me to ask her this because she didn't immediately answer and think for a moment of what to answer in my question.

"th..thre.. almost three years " 

she was still trembling as she spoke.

The pain I am feeling has just risen due to the feeling that for three years she had been cheating on me, she had been fooling my feeling and gives me false assurance and hopes that her feelings towards me was all true and all the loved she'd shown for that fucking three years is just a lie for all I care, why did I not even notice this at all, I was being blinded and fooled by this mother f$cking asshole and she's happy for all I care seeing me being played by her.

But I can't do anything because she already did .

I didn't have the courage to hear her other answer. I want to listen to my heart to give her one more chance but my mind is right that if she truly loves me she can't do that thing.

I just hope that this is the right thing to do if I decide to follow  my mind.

I got up from my seat and slowly removed the ring that had also been attached to my finger for almost five years and I slowly laid it on her table. 

The ring is the symbol of our love but I can't imagine that this day will come and this  will be the reason for me to end everything we have.

 "Jisoo! I don't expect us to come to our current situation right now where one of us will let go. You know that from the very beginning of our relationship I told you that by the time that one of us breaks or betrays our love this is how it will gonna end and someone will bid goodbye. I'm not going to ask you if you love me or did you love me?  Maybe I was weak or I was not enough so you did it to me but whatever your reason, there is only one thing that is clear to me, we can't go back to the past because no matter what we do to fix a glass that is already broken  time will come when it will be broken again and when it happens more people will be hurt. Forgive me Jisoo but it is necessary for me to let go because the wound you inflicted on me is too deep and its hard for me to cope the pain that you are the cause. I'm sorry"