The Deeper you Dig, The Darker it Gets

74.

Trigger Warning - Mentions of Suicide

Song of the Chapter: How to Disappear Completely by Radiohead

Draco's POV

      I thought I was the only person that had thought about dying. I know that's selfish, but it's true. Never did I actually think people around me contemplated turning off the lights forever, especially not Mal.

      That's how well she hides it; Even on the darkest days it seems as if she's doing just fine. But she's not fine, and if I would've realized that sooner we probably wouldn't be here.

      It's only been a few days, but it's getting better. Part of me wanted to lash out on her and ask why she'd do such a thing, why she'd leave me. But I know that wasn't her intention, she doesn't want to die. She just wanted the pain to stop for longer than a minute.

       When I first found out about her hurting herself I wanted to do the same thing. I wanted so badly to scream at her, make her feel guilty. And then I realized why she was doing it in the first place; to stop the pain.

     I drink a lot more than I should. My friends and family have hated me for it for years, trying to make me feel like shit for destroying my body. I never felt bad, I just wanted to do it more.

     I guess what I'm trying to say is that I get it. And as badly as I want to break down in her arms, ask her why she did it, I won't.

      I love her, and right now my job is to show that.

                   "What's your name?"

     After getting to the top of the staircase leading to the roof of the church, I turn my head towards Malory sitting alone. Well, not completely alone.

       "My name is Malory," She says quietly to the cat sitting beside her. "My friends call me Mal, though."

     I cross my arms and lean up against the doorway, a smile forms on my face. Slowly, Mal turns towards me. The bruising on her neck has gone down a lot but her eye is having a harder time healing. She signals for me to join her and I do so without hesitation.

      The second I'm seated at her side the black cat looks up at me cautiously. I reach my hand out but instead the cat begins running its head against my leg.

               "Toby likes you." Mal giggles.

                I raise an eyebrow. "Toby?"

            "Well, October. But Toby for short."

           I move the strand of hair out of her face and behind her ear. "I like that name."

     She smiles while looking out at the sunset. I study every movement she makes, even though they're subtle. The way her index finger rubs up and down my thumb, how her eyes scan each building like they're people she's trying to read.

          "Snape didn't give my father the locket." She mutters under her breath.

                 I give her a confused look. "Who did he give it to?"

      She shrugs. "I don't know. I've been trying to figure it all out, put pieces together."

       She stares down at our hands intertwined. The black nail polish on her fingers has almost faded completely, only small patches here and there.

         A heavy sigh falls from her mouth. "I don't know why he would lie to me."

       I wish I could tell her there was a good reason for it, and maybe there is in a way. But right now it feels as if Snape lying only destroyed our chances more.

          "Does that mean we have to try and find it again?" I ask.

       She pauses for a moment. "I don't even know where we'd start. But if we find the others first, maybe it'll lead us to it."

      I nod. Malory reaches out to pet Toby, who is sitting in front of us, and he jumps into her arms. She laughs hysterically as he licks her face like a puppy.

                "He likes you too." I chuckle.

      She starts moving closer to me so I gently pull her onto my lap. With Toby still in her arms she leans into me, pressing her face into my chest. I can't see it but I know she's smiling.

       As the wind calms down and the streets get silent, so do we. I try to think of something to say, maybe a way to ask how she's doing without actually asking. But instead, she tells me herself.

               "I'm sorry I did what I did." She whispers.

      The heat from her breath trickles down my neck and I feel it in my heart. Each exhale soothes me; even though there's a part of her missing it reassures me that she's still here.

              "I'm sorry I didn't help more." I respond.

     She slowly sets Toby back down onto the floor, then looks up at me. Her focus travels to different parts of my face.

        "When I was little, I used to have these dreams about drowning." She explains to me. "I'd try to swim up but there was a weight pulling me down. And when I tried to scream for help my voice disappeared."

        I see water starting to fill in her eyes as she speaks. Just like always she pushes them back to try and keep herself strong but there's still a cracking in her throat.

         "In the dreams there was always someone above watching me. They'd stand on the dock and look down at me struggling with a blank face. I'd wait for them to go get help but they didn't move an inch. I had these dreams for years, every night it was someone new watching."

        She focuses on the sky behind me as her hands wrap around me. I feel her fingers running up and down the back of my neck and through my hair.

        "And then one day I saw you on the dock," She says softly. "Just when I thought you were going to go get help, you jumped in the water and pulled me out."

        I wait for her eyes to meet back up with mine and when they do, a tear falls onto her cheek.

                 "You've saved me in ways I can't explain, Drac." She sniffles.

      She notices the tears falling from my face now as well and quickly she wipes them away.

       "I don't want to die," She chokes. "And I don't know why I did it. I've always tried to not be selfish and what I did was exactly that and I'm so sor-"

      Before she can continue to apologize, I pull in her for a kiss. Our lips press together intensely but it feels like the definition of peace. The tension in her shoulders fades and for the first time in a long time, I'm holding all of her.

        I feel a pawing on my back and when I pull away from Mal, Toby is staring up at us with wide eyes. Mal laughs under her breath while wiping her tears. I rest my hand on Toby's back but turn towards her again.

          "The battle you're facing is the opposite of easy," I say. "It's okay to not be okay right now."

       She starts to bite her inner cheek and I run my fingers along her lips. Her focus begins to go elsewhere but I make sure to keep it on me; her eyes connected with mine keeps me at ease.

                       "Just know that I'm glad you're still here."

     I pull her into my chest and stretch out on the roof. It's uncomfortable but I make sure to keep her body on top of mine so she isn't in any more pain.

                    "I love you, Mal."