Hiraya (HEST #1)

Kabanata 43

Antagonist's Tale XLIII: Catharsis

You know the most beautiful things in this world are the deadliest, right?

Just like how the most alluring and colorful insects are the most poisonous of their kind.

Just like how the vastest sea could drown you the most.

Just like the color of your eyes. Just like the depths of the person you are. Do you know how dangerously beautiful you are to me?

It's scary how silent it is.

I was already so wrapped around my own shadows that the world became so still. Bahagyang nakayuko, ang mga paa'y nakalubog pa rin sa tubig, ang paligid ay tahimik.

I barely registered that a flock of birds passed the sky above me. Ang kanilang mga huni ay walang tunog. The wind whistled. There's no sound. The water of the river sweep through. Hindi ko narinig iyon. It's as if everything is on mute.

Eerie silence fell on earth.

And then there's my mind. The mechanical sound that beats me to death. The overflowing loudness that bangs my ears. I have my personal battlefield inside the few inches space of my head.

I memorized six syllable words as a child. Yet even with my vocabulary, my eloquence, I could never pull out a word to describe this. Hindi ko makayanang ibihis ng mga salita ang katahimikan at kaingayan na palagi kong nararamdaman.

My thoughts scattered around so many things. And the demons would laugh at me for the amount of fantasy I am relinquishing inside my mind.

I had spent nights thinking about the end of this. I had imagined the things we would have done before we end this. In those few weeks that we have left, I would be in both joy and ache.

In my make-believe world, I found myself embracing him tightly each time I would go to his office.

We would pick up mistletoes and I will be drunk in the fragrance of his soul.

On our table, across from one another, I would look at him at corner of my eyes, afraid that he would disappear into the air. He would catch me in my stares because he was doing the same thing, gazing me through the sides of his vision.

We would be damp under the rain, the traffic lights are broken as they always were in that street. With a grin he would held his hand out and ask me the pleasure of dancing with me.

Crossed hands on the rooftop of the tallest building, the helicopter blows the wind to kiss both my hair and clothes into the east, the sun is setting, and we shall both watch the wilderness dispell alongside its freedom.

Blush of heat. Crimson of torment. Fullness of heart. Half empty bottles. Deeply sincere smiles. Knife slices in the insides. Sweet kisses. Bitter secrets.

Most of all. . . time. Tik and tok. The sands of the hourglass walk along our days.

When the end is near, I would watch him lay beside me. It's 2:13 am. The dust is coming to cover my world. My heart is wrenching in my death throes. He's facing me even when he's deep in sleep and the pillow is too soft for my shattering spirit. All night I would lay beside him, our faces apart in few small distances that for eternity will always seem to be so unreachable. I would have drowned myself in his image. Every. Part. Of. Him. And I would forget who I am. I wouldn't remember my name. I wouldn't remember my purpose in this world. I wouldn't recall those things as I memorize him. But I would remember asking god and whoever is on the seat of the higher power to spare him. I would remember promising that I would offer every bit of life I have left, that I would dispose my chance of a painless epilogue, that I would live through another nightmare as long as he gets to be spared from the greater evil that I was damned into.