Serenades of Second Chances (BXB)

Comfort (Tue)

I was able to go in after 30 minutes. He let me sober up in the car, then we decided to go up. During that time we talked a lot. We talked about my sobering up, we talk about him going clean, we were relating to each other. It felt nice to drink without being judged for relapsing. I know Ronny doesn't judge me when I relapse but I always feel like he pity's me or gets upset at me. Deven just showed me that relapsing was okay as long as I continued to try, he showed me I was safe to drink in front of him if I do have a relapse day.

It turns out Ronny sent Deven a message saying he could see me in the lot but felt like I didn't want to see him because I wasn't coming up. He called Deven to check on me, and Deven did it. I'm glad he did, I'm glad they both cared enough about what's going on to care about me so much.

"Will you be fine with Ronny?"

I pause for a second, his being here helped clear my head, and I wish he could stay over, but he has May and other responsibilities to do. I tell him I'll be fine, he tells me he'd be back in a few minutes. He has a new dish he wants me and Ronny to test out for the restaurant. I love his cooking, so theirs no doubt in my mind that it's not good.

—

"Have you ever thought about going to therapy?" Ronny asks while he watches me tune my guitar.

"I don't know honestly," I reluctantly respond. "The whole idea of talking about everything in my life freaks me out. I hate the emotions and everything, I don't think I'd like venting to another stranger that also had big issues going on in their life."

"But I think it'd be good for you Max. Talking about things instead of relapsing and releasing all at once. Plus, it could help you manage stuff more. Like battling school and a music career, and quitting with depression, but also your family situations... I just want to see you happy Max, you're my best friend."

"You... think I have depression?"

"Recently yeah. And I'm not just talking about the past month or two, I mean you've been in a deep emotional and mental rut for the past few years. There have been times where I've worried about you."

I stop and think, before I can continue the conversation Deven shows up. I feel absent-minded as I greet him, even during a conversation with him I feel like my mind is drifting slowly out of my head, or like my spirit is physically leaving my body. I never feel like this, this is new and it worries me.

"Want me to stay over?"

I pop back into the convo.

"Huh?"

"I was saying he should spend the night since Maya is with her aunt," Ronny says after returning with 2 glasses of water.

"Unless you want more time?" Deven gets quieter while he looks at me.

"No, please stay," I smile and he grabs my hand.

"Also, I meant to tell you I'm staying over at Ash's tonight, we planned this like a week ago but because of this I wasn't sure."

"You don't have to worry about me, I'm fine, I want you to go over there. When are you leaving?"

"An hour, I'll tell her you said hi."

—
Deven and I are laid out on my bed, my heads on his shoulder as I use his arm as a pillow. He's laying on his back, I'm laying on my side facing him. I've sobered up more, I showered and brushed my teeth too. I want to forget that I ever relapsed. His hand is laying on his stomach, waiting to reach me if he needed it too.  We decided it's be best for me to not talk about the things that caused me to drink, instead talk about the things that make me happy before I talk about what made me relapse.

"There's a movie coming out soon," Deven smiles at me, blinking slowly with me. "A childish cartoon that May wants to see, she insists on having you be there with us for the first watch."

I smile and grab his hand, leaning more into him.

"I'd like that too. I thought you wouldn't be a fan of cartoon movies like that."

"It kinda depends," he shrugs, my head lifts with causing me to laugh. "I'm just waiting for a queer Disney movie, a prince finding a prince or a princess finding a princess. Even a prince finds out they are a princess or the other way around. That'd be something to see Huh?"

"Oh yeah it would. I doubt it'll happen though."

"It's too controversial. There will be a stir if that ever happens," Deven signs out. "I mean, I know one kid's show did a pride parade included it for pride month and there was a lot of hate."

"But there was a lot of approval too, especially from people like us. Doing stuff like that helps with representation, the more representation the more people learn."

"The more people hear the more support. You're right," he kisses the top of my head.

It's silent for another minute and my mind drifts. So do my eyes.

--

I woke from a nightmare, about me relapsing and hurting him, hurting our relationship, hurting everything we have. I cried to him, told him everything in my dream. We knew we had the apartment to ourselves, but Deven insisted that we stay at his. that I stay with him for a few days, especially after my dream. He said he'd make sure I didn't relapse if I stayed with him, if I stayed with May while he worked. I knew it would be a Good idea to. That's how we ended up in his bed, laying shading each other.

"I didn't know I was so broken, a shattered clay amongst the blue porcelain. I didn't think I can be fixed-" I start mumbling, Deven finishes the tune with me. My tune, my song.

"Not until I met you. You were magical, I was your wand. You were the game and I was your pawn."

I turn to fully face him, I pull him into a hug.

"You were my anything," I start.

"I am your anything, You are my everything."

"You were my everything," I pull my head back and lay my chin against his. "And now I know what it's like to live among the stars..."

"Cause you are my anything, my everything."

"And you are my everything and anything."

"You are my heart," we both sing out at the end. "I love you," we say together, not meaning to.

I lock my lips with his. He had become my anything, and I know I'm his too.

"Dev," I cry after our break. "I have no words to explain to you have much I love you." I move to sit on his lap. "How long has it been? 6 months since me met, maybe more and maybe less. I can't fucking keep track anymore. My body and mind are always pulled towards you, you intoxicated me. You have me addicted. Fuck you," I son and I smash my lips into him again. "Fuck you for being so damn kind, and fuck you for making me fall in love again."

He laughs and grins, hewon't let me move, keeping me in a lock as he keeps staring into my eyes.

"One day, I'm going to ask you to marry me," he smiles. "I'm the drug huh? You've saved me, and you keep saving me. You keep showing me there's so much more light in this world than just my sister. You show me bliss, you show me anger, love, confusion, worry, and so much more. Life is worth living with you in it. I need you in my life because I'm so desperately in love with you." 

He lays his forehead against my chest, I put my hands gently on the back of his head, then lay my lips gently into his oh-so-soft hair. I'm going to be there through his thick and thin, he's going to be here through my highs and lows. We'll fight like normal couples, love like normal couples, and grow old together. I can't wait for our future.