Serenades of Second Chances (BXB)

Routine (Mon)

It's been 4 weeks since my mother's death. It was Monday, and I decided to go to work at the coffee shop. I decided to quit my full time and focus on getting back into working as a part-timer. On Sunday, Deven had off. So May, Jack, Deven, and I went to Dennys for some breakfast, and later when we were outside we started playing some of the acoustic for May to see how she liked it. She wanted it to be slow and calm, as I expected she would. Of course, I didn't sing her any lyrics, but I would sing out the "I love you" when it popped up.

When Deven and I were curled up together he asked what I wanted to do with work and school. So I told him I had to take it slow, as I didn't want to break down and relapse. I also said I would be quitting my main job and slowly getting back into work at the cafe. I would do my school work at home, and I'd continue to stay here unless I needed a break or he needed a break. I would also work on the song and get it released. I was close to the finishing touches, so it wouldn't take long to officially record it and release it. Deven gave me his full support, and I knew I would have the support of everyone. So, while still in bed with Deven, I called my boss and told him due to life circumstances I would be quitting without a 2-week notice. He said it was alright and wished me well. I also wrote a mass email to my school and teachers about the issues, said I would do my best, and asked them to work with me.

After I sent it I powered off my electronics and curled into Deven. It didn't take long for me to fall asleep. I've been exhausted.

6 days later I released the song. Deven came to me after and told me about a therapist I should give a shot. He had a connection from them volunteering together, and when Deven didn't show up because of helping me, the therapist asked and Deven mentioned I lost my mom. So, here I am a week later on a Monday way too early in the morning, in a therapist's office with Deven holding my hand in comfort. When the therapist walked out, she had a small and welcoming smile. Devon and I stood, and then Devon thanked her and gave her a small hug. Deven then turned to me, kissed my lips, and said he loved me.

"I'm going to be in the car waiting, I'll be right there Angel."

I nodded and pulled him into another hug. He held me close and whispered in my ear that I would be okay. And I knew I would be. So he left the room, and the therapist shut the door. She seemed just a few years older than me. She had a warm and welcoming smile, one that didn't hold any pity or disgust from just seeing Deven kiss me.

"Are you nervous?" She asked and crossed her legs, relaxing into the chair across from me.

"I guess yeah. I've never done therapy, I didn't even go to AA meetings when I was an addict. I didn't think I needed any of this."

"And what changed? What is making you sit with me today?"

I pause. I think about my mom's death, I think about my father's death, I think about my addictions, I think about my scars, I think about May. I think about Deven.

"Deven. He's changed everything."

"You guys are official, right? How long have you been together?"

I think back to the day Deven started avoiding me. I think about our little dates.

"A month. No, maybe 2? Fuck, it could even be 3 months. I don't know. Times gone by so quickly, I've lost track."

"That happens, especially while processing the loss of a loved one. Deven told me about your mother. I'm sorry for your loss. How have you been handling everything?"

"Awfully," I laugh and feel a tear come to my eye. "I just quit my jobs, I haven't gone to classes, I haven't been able to take care of myself. I feel like my life is out of control again."

"When you say again, what do you mean?"

I lay my head in my hand. "My father died when I was young, and my mother got remarried almost immediately after. I didn't have time to process. My siblings were assholes that weren't there for me, I had 2 step siblings that were stuck up, and my mother didn't pay attention to me. I became an addict when I was in high school. My life was so out of control. I started smoking and drinking, partying, and acting out. I did whatever I could to just escape. I did different drugs and stuff. I was a mess. I still struggle with relapsing, especially when it comes to my siblings or people mentioning my dad. And now my mom is dead, and I regret a lot of things. I feel like I need to latch onto something and make it fix me. But I won't let it be Deven, or May, his little sister. I can't leach onto anyone, because I know it'll damage them, and I'm tired of being a burden for everyone."

I pause to breathe and wipe my eyes.

"I love Deven, and I love May, I love them both so much. And if I hurt them I wouldn't forgive myself. Deven wanted me to come, he said it'd be good for me. He's too kind to me, I don't deserve any of his kindness. I don't deserve his love. He should be with someone who is good for him. I know I'm not, and it eats me away and I feel guilty because I don't want to leave him either."

"Max, from what I've gathered in knowing you for just a little bit, what you're doing is called self-destructing and self-bullying. We do this when we are faced with emotions that are harder for us to handle than we think. It's easier for us to beat ourselves up and blame ourselves. But really, we don't need to blame or beat down anyone, especially not yourself. I'm here for you to talk to, and get out all your frustrations, worries, anger, and sadness. Everything you need to get off your chest, that's why I'm here. But, I'm also here to help teach you ways to not self-destruct, and help you sort through these thoughts and emotions when you can't reach me or you feel like you can't reach out about it.

"But, for any of this to work, you need to believe in yourself that things will get better. It doesn't matter how many people tell you it gets better, you need to believe it yourself. And I'm here to help you believe that you'll get better. Humans heal with time and support, Max. You need to believe in yourself. So, are you ready to start the change and start healing?"

I swallow, wipe the tears from my face, and then nod.

"Yes. I need it."