Blood And Tears

Kabanata 24

CELESTE

I'M A WALLFLOWER where silence alone is my strength, and when an unconventional situation wrecks my high walls, it brings me under the limelight of clumsiness.

They stick their noses on me, they become odd, and mindfulness isn't my cup of tea--- where I can't uphold the spotlight; I become conscious and furious by their skeptical eyes.

I act like I don't know what's going on with them and remain muted.

I'm hoping that when the sunsets and everyone lays into their bed, the day will pull things out--- they'll forget what yesterday can bring for tomorrow, and the past will remain history and overlooked by instant.

I caressed my belly and stared at all the pads and contraceptives in my box. They are fully complete and have never been touched in ages.

Ilang buwan na ba? Bakit hindi ko maalala kung kailan ako huling nag turok ng depo provera, it's an injectable contraceptive that I used to avoid pregnancy.

Hunter and I do it, naturally. He doesn't want to use condoms when we are making out, and I didn't take pills when we both know that it can bring life for an instant with just a single mistake--- pero sa dami ng mga ginagawa at pinapagawa ni Shiva ay hindi ko na maalala kung kailan ako huling dinatnan.

Hindi ako sigurado pero parang na sa red dungeon pa ako nung huling beses akong magkaroon ng menstruation.

I think it's more than a quarter of the year--- four? or five months ago?

I'm not freaking sure!

Shit!

Tumayo ako para humarap sa malaking salamin. Itinaas ko ang suot na damit at hindi maiwasang pagmasdan ang tiyan ko na hindi man lang umumbok--- it remains flat at any angle, and I unconsciously chewed my lower lip.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mararamdaman sa mga oras na 'to.

There's an excitement in my heart, a pleasure that tickles my veins into a new level of happiness--- something that I can't explain and put into words what exactly I felt about it.

Butterflies freely dance and crumple inside my belly, and my blood rushes into life, where it summons my soul to live after death.

"May buhay na ba sa loob ko?" hindi makapaniwalang tanong ko sa sarili habang hinihimas pa rin ang tiyan ko.

Lumapad ang ngiti ko at ilang beses na ibinaling ang katawan para pagmasdan ang bawat anggulo ko sa salamin.

"Kung meron man, naririnig mo ba ako?" I can't help talking to myself and the life I have--- kung totoo man na buntis nga ako ay hindi ko maipaliwanag kung paano at gaano ako kasaya.

Hindi lang basta tuwa ang bumabalot sa buo kong pagkatao--- para akong na buhay muli, buhay na buhay ang pakiramdam ko.

Mula sa manipis na hibla ng sinulid na kinakapitan ko ay tila nakakita ako ng bagong pag asa at natanaw ang bagong liwanag.

I can't--- I can't tell exactly what this baby brings to my life--- basta alam ko masaya at buhay na buhay ako.

Wala pa man kasiguraduhan ang sitwasyon ko ay umaasa ako na baka meron nga--- na baka buntis ako at magkakaanak na kami ni Hunter.

But I saw how my smile slowly faded when I realized our situation.

Tuluyang bumagsak ang mga balikat ko at nabitawan ko rin ang damit, bumagsak iyon at muling na tabunan ang manipis kong tiyan.

Pagkatapos akong sundan ni Shiva ay bumalik na kami noon kasama sila Hunter--- dama ko lahat ng tingin at atensyon nila, maliban kay Hunter na iwas ang naging tingin at naging mailap sa buong maghapon--- but I ignored them and acted as natural as I can.