Complicated Love (Bucky Barnes x Reader)

Chapter 20: Memories

Gabe had Zola at gunpoint, dragging him out of the train once we hit level ground. We met up with the other group. I could see their confusion only seeing Gabe, Steve and I return, but once they saw the looks on our face, they didn't have to ask.

I couldn't wrap my head around reality. I saw what happened, he's not standing next to me. My brain was processing. Steve has always called this my loading phase. Steve says that anything 'tragic' happens, I isolate myself and don't talk to anyone until I can finally come to the conclusion it's true.

I guess he's right because that's exactly what I'm about to do. Falsworth was driving while I sat in the passenger seat. We didn't speak, not one word was said unless I was telling him the directions. Other than that, it was silent.

I am processing, trying to understand what happened. I watched what happened, but I couldn't accept it. Bucky can't be gone. My mind went back to the moment when Bucky left for war.

I notice a tear falling on his cheek, and I wipe it off, similarly like he did this morning, and said, "you better come back to me, Barnes. Do you hear me?"

"Whatever it takes," he says.

I remember thinking that that could have possibly been our last moment. Whatever it takes. He left. He's gone. I felt my throat close, tears stinging my eyes. This whole experience brought us closer, somehow trusting and loving each other more. But still, with all the skills we had, including Steve, it wasn't enough.

I was trapped in my thoughts, replaying the incident in my head, tears running down my face. Falsworth looks over, doesn't say anything but takes my hand in a friendly way. I smile at the action slightly.

We were heading back to the base, so Colonel Phillips could try and get information out of Zola. We arrived, and I got out, giving the Colonel my mission report, and headed straight to my tent.

I sat on my bed, refusing to let myself cry. I can't imagine a life without Bucky. He has been there for every milestone in my life. What am I supposed to do now? I look around the room, and somehow everything is just a reminder of him. My door creaks open and reveals Steve coming in. He had tears in his eyes, and I know he's trying to contain himself for me. He had a letter in his hands, and he sits down next to me. We sit in silence for a moment, until he says, "You okay?"

Obviously not. "I will be," I say. "You?"

"I will be," he repeats. "Umm," he fumbles with the letter in his hands before handing it to me. "Take this. You'll understand it once you read it." He forces a smile as I take the note. "I'll leave you alone to read it. You know I'm always here for you." I nod in response. He throws an arm around me, engulfing me in a hug we both needed. He presses a kiss to the side of my head before walking out. 

I flip over the letter, and I feel the tears stinging my eyes. My name was written on it, in Bucky's handwriting. I took a deep breath, trying to calm my heart that felt like it was beating out of my chest. I carefully open the letter, not wanting to mess it up knowing who it's from. I take out the worn out piece of paper from the envelope and unfolded it.

To My Love,

I broke. Tears streamed down my face as I could hear Bucky's voice while he wrote the letter.

If you're reading this, that means something happened to me. I hope you weren't there, or at least didn't see what happened. 

Ever since our first date, I knew I wanted to marry you. Hell, before that I knew you were it for me. I know that before we left, I proposed and you said yes, but I didn't have a ring. I thought I had time to go get one, but then we were off fighting a war.