Fight Fire with Fire (Frerard)

44. Narcotic

Several hours later, Frank is walking with Ryan and Brendon to Ryans house, and I am sitting in the car, out the front of my therapist's office.

"Come on baby, you can do this. You've had a session with her last week."

I nod, climbing out of the car.

"Bye." I sigh, shutting the door and walking into the building.

Swallowing my pride, I sit and wait for Dr. Ryan to come collect me.

It took a whole three minutes before I was called into her dull office.

"How are you, Gerard?"

I found it ironic. Me, a fuck up, sitting in a therapists office, expected to express my feelings.

I don't need a shrink, I need pills. I don't need sympathy, I need booze. I don't need goddamn pity, I need death.

"Splended." I lie.

She knew it was a lie, and I made it obvious I didn't care.

Tonight a party is being held at Ryan's house, and I was invited. Much to the knowledge that it was a pity invite, I'll go.

I need to get away from my parents fucking prying eyes. They are different towards me, and I hate it. I never thought I'd wish this, but I miss them being how they used to be; ignoring my existance and oblivious to my self-destructive path.

"How was your first day back at school?" Laura was her name, and she seemed nice.

Too nice.

I let out a sigh, shrugging in response. This made her sigh too.

"Please open up, Gerard. It is purely to benefit you and help you cope with what has happened."

My eyebrows furrowed, and I was sick of talking to this bitch.

"Who said I needed help coping? I was fine before you assholes found out."

Her face didn't even flinch as my harsh words slapped her in the face.

She intead frowned, "Is that so?"

I nod.

"So...So you were coping fine? My apologies, I wasn't aware that coping meant spiralling out of control. Numbing the pain with narcotics. Causing trouble at school and shutting the world away while you fall into severely depressive episodes."

Swallowing thickly, I move uncomfortably in my chair.

"I-" At a loss for words, I groan.

"Has Frank come home yet?" She changes the subject, and I am slightly relieved.

"No. Still living with Ryan." I look down.

I wish he came home. He might makes things at home become somewhat normal again.

"I see. Have you spoken to him at all?"

I nod, "Today. We uh, we spoke about um, I...he-he said he couldn't look at me the same. He looks at me, and see's the scene of me and-and Father John..."

She nods, showing a sympathetic expression as she writes my words down.

"And how does that make you feel, Gerard?"

I look down at my shaking hands, feeling my heart get heavy with sadness.

"Um, angry. I-" I look to her, shaking my head as tears form, "I wish he never saw...that. It would've been confronting. I'll never forget his face when he walked in. And-And the way he threw up after, like his body was so repulsed by the-the scene before him."

"Gerard," She sat her pen down, sighing, "I feel as though you might be holding yourself accountable for what Frank saw. Do you think it's your fault? Do you feel guilty for what he saw?"

Tears slowly fall and it angers me. I hate feeling so weak.

Sniffing, I rub my irritated eyes, "Of course I fucking do. I...it's all my fault."

She frowns, and I feel I may just throw up at the memory.

"Next subject." I say quickly, feeling panicky at the subject.

"But I-"

"I said next fucking subject." I spit, pulling my knees to my chest, and wheezing out a shaky breath.

I hate the memories. God, I wish I could tear open my skull and disconnect my brain from my body.

"The nightmares and fashbacks, are they still happening often?" She seems unsettled by my angry outburst as she picks up her pen again.

I nod, "Yes. Mom said I...I have PTSD or something?"

"Indeed. In moments where you feel like you're back in one of those moments, and you feel it all happening, and hear it, that is you having an episode of PTSD."

I clear my throat, knowing full well that they will try and medicate me for this PTSD bullshit.

"There are a few stratagies and exercises you can do to bring you out of those episodes. We will go through them today if you'd like."

My mind wonders off to the party tonight. What drinks will I drink? What pills will I pop?

How fucked up will I get?