Fight Fire with Fire (Frerard)

33. I've Got You To Let Me Down

Walking back into the house, I felt a wave of guilt fill me. Sitting at the kitchen table still, is mom, sobbing her heart out.

I let go of Frank's hand, moving towards mom slowly. I feel bad. She deserves happiness, not some fucked-up son to bring her down all the time.

"M-Mom?" I begin to cry again, trying to hold it in.

As soon as her dead eyes look to me in shock, I lose control of my tears. Mascara runs down moms face as she looks cautiously at me.

"Baby..." Is all she manages to choke up.

I move closer to her, wrapping my arms around her shoulders. She melts into the hug, as we both sob.

"I-I'm s-s-sorry" I cry as she sniffs and splutters out her sobs.

"N-No baby, I-I'm sorry."

-

After the emotional moment mom and I had, Frank took me upstairs, and mom soon left for work.

Frank is laying on his bed, playing with his lighter, as I sit cross legged on mine.

"Did you um, tell her?" He suddenly asks as I look down at my black socks, playing with them.

I shake my head, "No."

I look over, seeing his eyes fixed to the ceiling as he doesn't reply. He didn't need to. I knew what he was thinking.

'Life would be so much easier if you told her. She could help you Gerard. Oh Gerard, she is your mother, she will do anything for you'

It's bullshit. You want to know what would happen if I told her?

At first she'd be shocked, looking at me in disbelief. Then she would cry for a very fucking long time. After crying her mascara off, she'd feel angry. She'd push to know who it was, so she could do something about it. Once she knows who it actually was, she'd be back to disbelief. He is a priest Gerard, why the fuck would he do such a thing. Oh no, baby, you must be thinking of someone else. He would never! Then I'd be left in a shittier situation.

See how telling mom about Father John would prove to be useless?

"What's wrong?" I ask, watching Frank's furrowed eyebrows.

He looks deep in thought, watching the white ceiling.

"Nothing." He mumbles.

He is such a bad liar.

"Yes, there is. Ever since you found me, you haven't spoken to me. You avoid me, and if we are near each other, you don't even look at me. You can't even fucking look me in the eye can you, Frankie? What is wrong, seeing me get fucked in the ass has hurt your little heart?" I spit venom I didn't know I was holding in.

It angers me. He is acting like nothing happened. Like I am the one in the wrong. Why is he punishing me?

"Gerard, shut up." He groans, not taking his eyes off the ceiling.

"No. Not until you look me in the eyes. Fucking turn your head and look at me. Tell me face to face, that you aren't avoiding me." I say, watching his face grow angry.

"Can you fucking shut up?" He sizzles with rage as I make the stupid decision to continue.

"No. Look at me! What is it? Are you sad that it was someone else fucking me? Are you sad that poor little Frankie couldn't be the one to make me scream?"

He sits up, huffing in anger.

"That's fucked up Gerard. You need to stop." He says, still not looking at me.

I stand up, walking over to him. For some reason, I grip his collar, pulling him close to my face. His eyes look anywhere but me.

"Look at me Frankie. Look into my fucking eyes!" I say, feeling my anger turn to sadness, "W-Why can't you just l-look at m-m-me?"

He grips my wrists, pulling free from my grip, only to lock eyes with me for the first time in days. Oh god, his eyes hold so much sadness and rage.

"I can't fucking look at you because you're dying Gerard. You're giving up and I can't d-do anything about it! I tried saving you from your demons but Gee, you don't want to be saved. I-" He breaks down, "I can't look at you the same. A-All I see is a-a broken boy. I see your wide eyes back at the church, on the fucking couch, getting the life fucked out of you!"

My eyes are wide in shock. I didn't expect this...

"I can't fucking be near you without wanting to rip that fuckers head off! I'm so angry. I-you-I cant. It-It's driving me crazy. I want him dead and I want you alive." He says, moving off the bed and pacing around the room.

I watch as he rants on.

"Every time I fucking look at you, I get this crazy feeling of-of...I don't even know what. It's like I'm angry, but I'm sad, and I'm confused, and I don't want to feel this when I see your beautiful eyes. You aren't the same anymore." He says, tears falling, "You can't even go one night without crying yourself to sleep. I-I know how this is going to end. I...I don't want to be the one to find you. I cant. M-My heart can't take it. I'm sorry, b-but you need to get help. You need to tell your mom and get some professional help. I-I don't want to see you...dead." He finishes as tears flood down my cheeks.

What the fuck?

"I'm fine Frank. I-"

"You're fine? Right. Sorry, I didn't realize that self-destruction meant you were fine. Is writing your suicide notes and slitting your wrist fine too?" He spits in sarcasm as my eyebrows furrow.

"Frank, don't. It's not like I'm trying to hurt you. I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean to upset you or concern you." I defeatedly say.

His sad eyes watch the ground beneath him as he shakes.

"Gee I-" His teary eyes look to me.

He moves towards me, taking my cheeks into his hands. I see the sadness I've caused in his eyes as he looks into mine.

"I can't stand seeing you-the boy I love, tearing yourself down to nothing. I love you and I want you to stop hurting. P-Please, get help. L-Let someone who-who knows what they're doing help you. I can't. I don't know how to fix you."

His thumb wipes the tear falling down my cheek.

"I-I am s-s-so scared. I j-just w-want it all t-to s-stop." I sob out as his eyes begin leaking poisonous tears too.

"I know Gee. I-I know. L-Let yourself get some help. I promise, it w-will be the best decision you've made." He pleads as I look down.

"Hey-" he lifts my face up to lock eyes with him.

"I'm here for you. I might not be able to fix you, but I'm always here. I-" His eyes look deeply into mine, "I love you Gerard."

While sobbing, I break into a terrified smile. How can I even begin to explain the situation to mom?

"I-I love you t-t-to." I say through my tears.

He pulls me in for a tight hug.

"Let's get you into bed. You need sleep. Your mom will be home later tonight." Frank's caring voice says as I nod, sniffing.

Why does he care so much for a piece of shit like myself?