The Fifth Member (Little Mix/Perrie Edwards GxG)

Chapter 64

Beth's POV:

Why the fuck do I have to mess everything up? I disappointed her to the point where she had enough.

Why can't I just be fucking normal for once? Just once.

Instead of trying to let Perrie stay with me, I drove her away.

Of course she wouldn't stay with me after I had taken drugs. What sane person would?

I was above the speed limit by a lot. But I didn't care. I need to get home.

My real home.

I drove in utter silence and after 4 hours I had reached my destination.

Welcome to the village of Fordwich

Like I never left.

I drove to the place where all of it started.

Standing in front of my childhood home felt weird.

Probably won't feel much better walking through it and getting about a zillion flashbacks.

Nonetheless I opened the door. Apparently no one ever moved in here.

I mean who would? Everyone in Fordwich called my family cursed. And to be honest they aren't wrong.

I walked to the living room first. All the game nights we had. All the times my expanded family would come and we'd have family reunions here.

For some reason they were always in our home. It was like a no brainer.

All the times we would fight over who does the dishes, telling my cousins they should just let me do it because I'm the one who lives here and stuff like that.

Then they would reply, 'so what? Am I a guest here?'

I smiled through my tears. All of these useless fights and in the end we'd always do them together anyways.

Beca and I were undeniably the closest. Her and I and Sam used to do everything together.

The only problem was that she was enrolled in a different school so we couldn't see her in school.

And to be honest I liked that better. For her sake.

If Kristen only had a little suspision that Beca is my cousin she would have had made her life hell. Just like mine.

Although Beca was tougher than me in that aspect. Actually, she was the only one who knew about my bullying back then.

She always pushed me to tell everyone but I didn't listen being my stubborn self. It hurt her watch me go through all of this and not being able to do anything.

She found out about most of it through Sam. Idiot couldn't keep a secret back then.

I stood up from the floor in mine and Alison's bedroom.

So many fights in here. About her not being able to make her side clean.

It drove me nuts.

I shook my head and smiled.

Both her and Noah always were so messy I couldn't handle it.

Perrie is like that a bit.

Fuck.

Why do my thoughts always have to go to her one way or another?

I shook my head and went to my parents bedroom.

All the nights I'd come in here as a child and whine about a nightmare.

Instead of being annoyed with me though, both of my parents always made sure to comfort me to the fullest.

My family was so kindhearted and good willed, why did all of these terrible things have to happen to us?

It can't be anybodies fault but mine. After all they all had a white vest. I know literally everything about all of them. They were people that weren't easily forgotten.

I'm the only family member that's ever gotten bullied. That had to mean something.

I'm just unlikeable. Really.

What will I do now? Perrie hates me and I can't stand being around her if she hates me. Is disappointed in me.

I know it's my fault but it really was a moment of weakness.

Who am I kidding? I'm just a fucking idiot.

I swear to god, how can I mess up every single time in my life?

I exited my house after giving myself a tour.

I need them. All of them. Right now.

But I can't have them. I just can't.

I entered my car and cried. I wasn't doing well to begin with, but now that I've disappointed Perrie I really hit rock bottom.

I drove to the graveyard. Screw if people see me.

To my luck there was no service today whatsoever. So there were people but all of them had their own losses to mourn.

Standing in front of the countless graves I felt my knees getting weak.

Every single time I look at them, it sinks even further in.

It's been fucking 6 years now, but it still hasn't entirely sunken in that I won't see them again.

I sat down crossing my legs. I'm gonna be staying here for a while.

I need to pour my heart out.

"Hey guys... it's been a while." I started off.

Luckily the part where they are buried is a bit further from the other graves. Fordwich was old fashioned in that. Every family has a special place for when they get buried.

"Dad... I hope you got them all caught up. Well, newest update, Perrie became my girlfriend after you died dad. But I... um... I might have messed it up." I started getting choked up.

"Well in-between that I had a brain tumour by the way. Forgot everything before I went to the X-Factor, no biggie though. Got my memories back anyways." I mentioned.

"However, I did something that I shouldn't have. Perrie hates me now. And I'm sure if you guys were her you'd be just as disappointed in me. To finally get true peace of mind, I took Xanax. First Jesy found out and trust me, she almost ripped my head off." I said.

I'm letting my tears flow freely. I don't give a fuck anymore.

"I told Perrie, because Well... I can't really keep a secret from her. And now I'm here. Telling it to literally no one. Because I need you, anyone of you, but you aren't here, and that's my fault too. I just keep messing up. Mom, Dad, I don't know what you did wrong with me. Alison and Noah turned out just fine. So did all of your siblings' children. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just be normal? Why am I even here? I've been so close, so many times, to just kill myself. I don't even have enough courage to do that. I'm not doing it because I think about Sam and the girls. But what if the girls don't actually care that much? I'd be doing them a favour right? My death would bring them publicity and let them rise to the level of fame they deserve. Maybe that's the solution. Just maybe..." I trailed off.

Should I just get it over with? Really, what's holding me back from killing myself.

Literally nothing.

I stood up from the floor and instead of just going something came over me.

"See you soon. For real." I said and left with my mind set.