A Court of Light and Melody

Chapter 37 - Everything Changed

Be patient and keep faith. It will all fall into place.

- Shri Radhe Maa

Song: First Day of My Life - Bright Eyes

Azriel and Gwyn sat in silence outside the High Lord and Lady of the Night Court's office, patiently awaiting their audience. Rhysand was still working through Morrigan, Emerie, Cassian, and Nesta's reports.

Gwyn tapped her foot restlessly, her mind a jumble of different thoughts. She'd barely slept after they returned yesterday and had ended up in the training ring at four this morning to practice instead. Azriel had swiftly arrived to remind her that just because Madja had healed her wounds, it didn't mean she should push herself. Before Gwyn could tell him to mind his business, the shadowsinger had joined her in the ring. They'd sparred until sunrise.

When she changed out of her leathers and into her robes with the other priestesses a few hours later she'd felt... out of place. Even as Deirdre animatedly asked about what the Spring Court was like Gwyn felt a strange sort of heaviness on her shoulders.

"I'll have to remember that," Azriel murmured from his seat beside her.

Gwyn didn't look at him, staring out the window in front of them. "Hm?"

"That you tap your foot when there's something bothering you."

Gwyn immediately planted her heel firmly against the floor. "I'm just nervous about debriefing."

"I know she's lying."

Gwyn looked over at Azriel whose head was tilted towards the shadow coiling by his ear, but he still stared at her with a bemused smile. "Not only thanks to you," he said regarding the dark tendril, "but because when Gwyn is nervous she can't stop talking. She doesn't sit in silence tapping her foot."

Gwyn shot the black plume a teasing glare. "Traitor."

"What's on your mind?"

The words came out of her in a rush. "I think I want to leave the priestesshood."

She searched the shadowsinger's face for any reaction, but his expression was one of complete indifference, and all he said was, "Oh?"

It all tumbled out of her, the pressure on her chest easing with every sentence that left her lips. "At first, I thought it was because of the harm I've done. The lives I took and people I've hurt and my potentially monstrous bloodline, but now it's different. Now it just feels like... like I don't belong." She shook her head, disbelievingly. "I love the services. I love my fellow priestesses. I love the library. But... but I don't need the sanctuary anymore. I don't..." Gwyn trailed off and a hint of a smile curled her lips up at the edges. "I don't need to be protected any longer."

Gwyn laughed in surprise. Surprise at herself. Surprise at such a revelation falling into her lap.

She didn't need protection. She really really didn't. She could protect herself. She could be alone with males she knew. She could go to parties and be around crowds. She could visit new places. All the things she'd been afraid to do she had done.

She laughed again. "I want to move out of the dorms. I want to visit the library without being hounded by Merrill. I want to train with the priestesses. I want to go to services. I want to visit the city. I want to because... because I can. I can... I can do all of those things."

Azriel's eyes reminded her of the day she'd cut the ribbon. Encouraging, proud, the barest hint of a smile playing on his lips.

Then Gwyn's face fell. She had money, but not nearly enough to buy a place of her own.