He Started It by Hitting on Me

No More Denying

I stared at Jonghyun who stared back at me, looking surprised and confused.
"What are you doing here?" he asked me, cocking his head a little.
I didn't say anything. My mouth appeared as if it couldn't talk. I was panting too, but not for long.
Jonghyun furrowed his eyes again and then gestured a hand to the ground. "Sit. And then maybe you could tell me," he suggested softly, looking carefully at how I looked like.
I hesitated before slowly taking my seat on the cool floor and he took a seat next to me. Both of us had our legs crossed as pretzels and he was staring at me, wanting me to speak and tell him why I was here. I looked straightforward and didn't dare make any eye contact with him.
I didn't want to tell him. He doesn't know what I'm going through. Does he know? No, he doesn't. He doesn't have a psychotic mother who gets wasted almost everyday and he doesn't have a father who's never there to complete the family. He actually has a sweet mother and probably a nice dad who's there everyday at night with the mother as wife and husband. He probably even has a sibling that can keep him company.
I had nothing like that. I was different from him and therefore, he doesn't deserve to know anything.
But Mi Young- who has tried to help you over these problems? Who came to your side when these kind of situations occurred? You don't have to think Mi Young- the person is right there sitting next to you in your time of need.
I turned my head to the side after I thought about this (which was like a while or so) and I stared into his eyes. He was staring back at me but then when he realized I was finally making eye contact, his eyebrows raised up quickly.
I started to open my mouth a little until it took me all the strength to say what happened.
"W... when Appa and I were coming home, we found my mother in the living room. She was probably waiting or she just decided to come home. She was wasted. Drunk. Idiotic," I started off, insulting my mother right then and there. Jonghyun knew how much I hated that woman who gave birth to me.
If that stupid woman didn't meet my father and had , I would have never been born into this ed-up world and would have never encountered those horrible events and people. Nothing bad would have happened to me. Nothing.
I kept on going with my story on the other hand. "Appa stood in front of me as I looked from behind. My mom questioned to him if that was really him but neither one of us said anything. She then answered herself saying that it was him and asked if cat got his tongue. She laughed manically," I told him.
He listened carefully. I kept going. "She started to drunkly walk towards Appa and she put her arms around him. She slurred if she should cut his tongue off and I knew she would really do it," I whispered the last part. I could feel Jonghyun sit up straight at this.
"It was then Appa told me to run and not come back until tomorrow. I did run and I kept running until I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to go back desperately, but I know Appa wouldn't like that so I ran. I thought my life was hell. No one should have a life like mine. It's horrible," I sighed, the sigh sounding as if I was overcoming a cry.
Silence occurred after I said the last part and neither I or Jonghyun said anything.
He's probably bored with this and won't understand. Yeah, I knew something like this would happened. I should really get up and go to Hea Won's now-
"You're not the only one who has a life like hell," he finally spoke, his eyes landing on the ground. I stared back at him. He kept on talking.
"You're the not the only one. People all over the world have lives like yours, or even worse. You should be proud that you're not on the verge of committing suicide. Most people are like that now because of the problems around them. You're strong and you can actually keep a guard over yourself. Problems like these will happen, but that's how life is. It's always going up and down. Right now, it's down but sooner or later it'll come up. Think on the bright side and good things will come," Jonghyun advised, speaking quietly and in a shy tone I've never heard before.
I had my eyes widened at that point because I didn't hear anything like this come out of his bastardly mouth.
I thought he was stupid, which he still is but this life advising really made me change my impression on Jonghyun.
Did he really know how hard life is? I always thought he had a good life with friends and girls and all, but now I'm thinking there's probably something in his life that he went through. Come to think of it, didn't he have a problem with a girl in his childhood years?
"Besides, I don't think it'll last long. Your dad will probably beat the crap outta your mom," Jonghyun grinned, winking at me.
I blinked at him and then shook my head. "You ... are so weird," I laughed, pushing his shoulder lightly. First he goes from 'therapist' to 'i think your daddy is gonna beat your momma blah blah blah'. This idiot is so ... weird.
And now if you think about it, having someone by my side is okay sometimes.
Even if that person is Kim Jonghyun.
Who by the way, is turning a little red right this moment ...
JONGHYUN'S POV
I stared at her as my heart did another leap when her hand pushed my arm. I don't know why, but every time she looked at me my heart would beat fast and my palms were already sweating.
They never sweat before. Unless I was running, but other than that, they never sweat before.
I hate it whenever Mi Young would smile or laugh. She'd cause all those problems with me. My sweaty palms, my beating heart, my desire for her to pay attention to me every second of my life ...
I hate it so much that I want more of it.
I want her to look at me.
I want her to hug me and hold me tight.
I want to be the cause of her smiles and laughs.
I want to be able to stay by her side every second so she wouldn't be sad like this.
I want to fulfill her dad's wish and be his 'son-in-law.'
I want to make her happy and kill the next guy that hurts her.
I want to be hers.
I want her to be more than a friend to me.
I want her.
I want her.
I want her.
I want her so badly. It's why whenever I look at another girl now, no affect happens. I feel no desire for banging another girl besides her.
I want to make love to her so she could have the best time of her life.
I want to be her first.
I want to kiss her and wrap my arms around her as much as I want.
I want to tease her about something and then call her cute after.
She was cute. She is cute. She's adorable that I can't take it anymore.
Her strength shows she's different from other girls. She's delicate and beautiful. She's lazy and intelligent.
She's amazing.
I look at her steadily and observed that she wasn't looking at me now. She was looking to the sky, probably wondering where she was going to go. I want to hug her now. I want to hold her and tell her to go to sleep in my arms, in the cool night and stay like that forever.
I wish I could change my sweater because it's really smelly.
I look down at her hand and she that it's not occupied with anything. Slowly, I started to go for her. Slowly, I made sure she wasn't looking. Slowly, my heart beat with every movement I made. Abruptly, denying my feelings for Mi Young were already fading.
As soon as my hand was hovering on top of her hand, Mi Young's head snapped at my direction and I quickly took my hand away, pulling it behind me.
"When are we able to go home?" she asked, furrowing her eyes.
I blinked at her and realized she didn't know I was going to hold her hand. I gulped and shrugged. "Just wait a little. Look up to the sky or something and just breathe," I quickly say, my head blank of ideas.
Mi Young raised an eyebrow and went back to staring back at the sky, breathing like I told her.
I sighed in relief and looked back at her hand, which was still there. Yet I didn't go for it. I might panic.
All those things I said earlier ...
I don't regret anything I said. Everything I said was real. It was the truth and I needed myself to know this and admit the fact that yes, those feelings I've been denying for almost a month now is real. It's real and it's here to stay.
No girl has ever made me feel like this way in about 5 years and I'm glad it's Mi Young who's the girl.
Why? I don't know why.
I'm just glad.
I look back at her and see she's smiling at the moon. "Isn't the moon really bright today?" she asked me, so deep into gazing at it.
I looked back at the moon and saw how it was gleaming right in front of us with the stars revolving around it and the night sky being its background. The moon was pale and bright, smiling as if it knew what was going on.
I look back at Mi Young and still see her smiling at it. I smiled at her and no one else in particular.
"Yeah. She always will be," I whispered.
Mi Young looked back at me with her eyebrows raised and then had a slight confused expression on her face but then she nodded, thinking that my statement was about the moon.
If I still denied my feelings for her, I would have slapped myself silly for saying that out loud in front of Mi Young herself.
But denying my feelings were already gone.
If I wanted anyone, the answer will always be Mi Young.
And Mi Young only.
I let my heart beat and beat as much as it wanted.
It would only beat for Mi Young. And Mi Young only.