He Started It by Hitting on Me

Without her, I can't be strong

Seconds went by. Seconds took their sick time turning into minutes. My heart paced with the slow time passing by. I watched wide-eyed at the room in front of me. The once alarmed and startled look of a girl that was smiling at me just an hour ago, was replaced with an impassive glaze over her eyes. Her body was limp, her skin appearing whiter by the second and the veins started to stick out from her body. There was not blood rushing in those veins anymore. The blood has stopped. As so did her heart.
I stared at the body. I stared at the doctors taking off their masks in defeat. I stared at place where I was before. Before she left forever. She left forever.
My breathing hitched when I saw one of the doctors close her eyes and cover her face with the plain bed sheet. My heart dropped below my gut, my insides twisting ferociously. My whole mind was blank the whole time, unsure of what to do or say. My heart beat fast but it slowed down. It would quicken its pace again and vice versa.
I slightly parted my mouth when I saw some of the doctors taking hold of the moving hospital bed and moving it towards the door. I widened my eyes even more. "No..." I trailed off. The door opened. The hospital bed was going to turn to the direction opposite of me and the doctors were coming out of the door. "No!" I yelled. I ran for the moving hospital bed. I held onto the edge of the side, my breath expanding. I took the cloth off of her face.
"Hea Won, wake up!" I yelled to her face. "Wake up!"
She didn't listen like she would have done. I grabbed a hold of her shoulders. "Wake up Hea Won, wake up!" I yelled. I was given no response. This time I slapped her face. This was the first time I ever slapped her. I slapped her face with great strength. Her head snapped to the other side. I breathed frantically, my breathing going almost out of control.
"Get the up! Stop acting stupid! Get up!" I barked, shaking her head again. She didn't open her eyes and giggle at me. She didn't open her eyes and at me for slapping her. She didn't do anything. She stayed terribly still. I stared at her for a brief moment until shaking her again.
"You son of a , get up! Why won't you listen to me? It's not hard! Get up!" I shouted, shaking her shoulders with great force. Her head moved back and forth, ready to fall off. Damned , why won't she get up?
As I kept shaking her wildly, the doctors clear their throats. "I'm sorry, but your friend will not be-"
"I know what happened, I don't need your words to clear it up," I hissed, barely making eye contact with them. I began to shake Hea Won again. Her pale face remained pale and she looked like she was in a deep slumber. A deep slumber for the ing rest of her life. What am I talking about? She has no life. She doesn't have a life anymore. She's dead. She's ing dead. She died right in front me. Right in front of me.
I replayed her shocked expression in my head again and again. The last look she ever gave me. I was never able to see her big eyes again. This ing girl.
I held onto her hands. They were not warm anymore. They were cold and lifeless. "Get up, Hea Won! Get up! Why won't you get up? Get up and let's go home! I-I'll even go shopping with you this time. I-is that okay? I'll promise to buy something. Just wake up, please," I begged.
Her eyes remained close and she never twitched. Suddenly, the bed starts to move. "Huh?" I mutter under my breath. The bed starts to move and starts to leave my presence. My hands are still holding onto hers and I don't dare take them away. "Don't take her away!" I yelled. I held onto Hea Won's hands for life but she starts to fade away from me, the bed moving farther and farther away.
I panic and I cling onto Hea Won's hands, as they kept moving. They were moving towards a door to a place where I'll never see Hea Won again. I hold onto her hands as they rushed towards the door, however; something pulls me away from behind and grips me tight. I barely twitch as the touch; I was too preoccupied with Hea Won.
"Let go of me!" I growled, pushing the person away. I ran for Hea Won, who seemed to be centuries away. "NO! DON'T GO!" I yelled, running for the door.
Before I can get through to her, they hold me back. I knew who was touching me, but I really did not give a damn right now. I tried to struggle out of their hold, which was now tighter and harder than before.
"Stop it. Just handle it maturely," Jonghyun muttered while he tried to hold me back.
"Mature? Mature? You want me to act mature about this? Who the cares? She's leaving me! Don't go!" I yelled, trying to pull away.
"Mi Young, please. Just calm down."
I snapped my head towards the guy who said that. I lowered my stare. "Out of all people, you're the one who's saying that?" I asked darkly.
Key stared at me for a moment but looked down at the floor. "You're making a scene," he whispered.
"Kibum."
Key hated that name. He hated it. He knew I knew but I had to say it. He was making me utterly furious. "Aren't you mad she's gone?" I asked. Tears were already overflowing his face and his eyes were red. He shook his head slightly.
"There's nothing I can do," he replied softly.
"You can go and get her! They didn't revive her! They didn't do any ! We need to get Hea Won!" I yelled at him, trying to move away from Jonghyun's grasp. He held me tighter. I looked up at him. "Let me go," I growled. He stared at me with the same intensity.
"No."
"Let me go!" I yelled again, trying so hard to get out of his grip. I spot the hospital bed entering the doors at the end of the hallway. I widened my eyes. "She's leaving she's leaving!" Somebody get her! She's going to leave!" I shrieked.
"Mi Young..." Onew trailed off.
"She's going to leave Onew! Get her! Minho! Taemin! Get her! Please, just get her. Please..." I trailed off, my voice cracking. And at that time, the last doctor went inside the doors, the doors swinging closed. I felt my heart beat stay silent for a second as silence took over the hospital room. The waiting room now seemed small, squeezing my heart and body together. They were going to squeeze until they bursted. It was going to burst. I felt the pressure on my body, as the room got tinier by the second.
My breathing stopped and I stared at the doors that made the barrier between my best friend and I. My best friend. She's not here anymore. She's in a hole of darkness, wondering what happened after she died. She's dead. She's ing dead. My best friend...
Dead.
She's gone.
Forever.
The more I think about her gone, the more pressure takes a hold of my heart. It crushes my insides and tries to squeeze what's left of my heart. Her hospital bed was moving away from me, our distance becoming longer as time passes by. We were so close, and now we're being separated. It's hard for me to swallow and the wet substance was making their way towards my eyes. I shake my head vigorously and stumble back. "I'm going to go," I muttered. I take Jonghyun's hands off me before excusing myself from the boys.
Key was already crying, his tears dropping from his chin nonstop while Onew tried to comfort him. Taemin stood on front of me when I was about to leave. His eyes were already rimmed with tears but he appeared to look more worried than sad. "Noona..." he whispered. I sniffed.
"I'm fine," I told him, not bothering to manage a smile for Taemin. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I go around him before walking through the hallway and making a right and finding the desk with the plump woman sitting in the chair. She looked up and smiled at me.
"Is your friend okay?" she asked.
I stared at her for a while, my gaze shooting venom into her own. Her smile faded and her eyes turned to worry. "I'm so sorry," she whispered. I turned away and left the hospital, slamming the hospital door behind me.
If anyone honestly thinks I'm going back in there, I will show him or her my foot.
I started to walk away from the hospital, never looking back and kept a fast pace. I held my head high and walked with my arms staying by my hips. I don't look at anyone, and I don't speak to anyone, I don't do anything. My mind is blank and I keep walking. I didn't go home. I didn't walk towards the direction my house was. I avoided home and I avoided any place that was familiar to me.
I took another route, something different than where I had been in my life. Houses were turning into stores, which turned into abandoned warehouses. I take one look at an abandoned warehouse next to me. I stare at it for a while, debating whether to go in or not. Yes was stapled all over my mind. I don't hesitate after finding my answer. I walk in the warehouse, immediately spotting damaged water pipes and cobwebs in the corners. There was no sunlight in the warehouse because the windows were nailed with uneven pieces of wood. The only sunlight the warehouse was given was from the doorway. There was no door, so the sunlight would be there for until evening.
I walk towards a corner of the warehouse, my steps controlling themselves. I sat down on the floor, the floorboards creaking with every movement my made. I made myself comfortable in the compact space I had. I stared at the floor. And the dreaded images and thoughts began to revolve in my head.
Why did Hea Won die so suddenly? How did this happen? It was so quick, so fast. It certainly surprised me. When I grabbed onto her hands, I felt no sign of a pulse. She was permanently gone. My eyes darkened.
That stupid girl. Why couldn't she have been stronger? She could have been living? Why the sudden spazz attack? That dumb idiotic sissy. She could have been alive. We could have done something together. We could have...shopped. We could have gotten the clothes she saw for the summer sale in the mall. Summer... her birthday.... her 18th birthday...She's not even 18. And she died.
She died. I laughed weakly. She died. She died. She died. She's gone. She's not in the hospital, wondering where I've gone. She's not in Seoul let alone Korea. She's not in this damned world.
Her soul is free from her useless body and is traveling in the air. I looked up. "Can you hear me Hea Won?" I asked aloud. "Can you hear my voice? My voice that you cannot reach out to anymore? You see what you have done, Hea Won? You died and left the world. You died and left me. Great friend you are," I called over the pit-patter of the water close by.
Tip tap. Tip tap. "What happened, Hea Won? Is the afterlife better than here? Is it? How were your first minutes in the afterlife? You having fun without me, Hea Won? You found another guy? You . What happened to Key, your beloved?"
Tip tap. Tip tap. Tip tap. "Being silent, eh? Why is that? Was I being too harsh? Too bad. You died. Who's the now? You died, Hea Won. Hahaha so funny. So funny," I laughed.
Tip tap. Tip tap.
"You wanted to leave Hea Won? Is that why you died? Is it because of me you died? Is it because I'm such a that you died? Is it because I'm so cruel and twisted? You thought I was... I was...''
I am a . I am a heartless, cold . Call me Voldemort if you want. I'm probably worse than him. My friend dies and here I am, caring about myself. I have the damn right to care about myself. She left me, what am I going to do? She was with me for eleven year of my life. And now she just vanished? What a waste of eleven years.
No, you know what? Hea Won's selfish. She's selfish. She cares about herself. Only her damn self. She dies without caring about how the others would feel. She didn't try to stay strong. She left without caring. . Go rot in hell. You deserve it.
She left me. She left me and now I'm alone. Within twenty minutes and I'm already insane. Right. I'm insane. My best friend dies and I'm insane. Haha. I'm insane. I'm crazy, mad, lunatic, etc. She dies and I'm going crazy.
It's her fault. She left me. I was always here; she left this world and went without me. Whatever. I don't care. I'll be fine on my own.
Liar. You're a liar. You're a damn liar. You ing , you're going to lose control. You're going to die alone, live alone. You're going to be lonely. You have no one. You never had real friends. She was your only friend. Key was always hers, you have no one. You're pathetic.

Worthless.
Stupid.
A loser.
No one loves you. No one will ever love you. Even your relatives said the same. No one will love you. You have no heart. You're like your mother. You'll be a drunk and live your life being wasted. You'll get pregnant when you're a teenager. You've already been almost once. So what does it matter if you have ? Have fun living a life like your mother. She had no friends, she was never loved, and she has no one.
She had your father. She had him. She had him for at most five years, but she let go of him and he went.
Seems familiar? Take that relationship and compare it to you and your best friend's. She's gone now. You had her but she's gone. Did you ever appreciate her presence? No. You took advantage of her. Why didn't you appreciate her? Because you're a cold heartless .
Just like your mother.
I suddenly yelled out loud, screaming mindlessly in the warehouse. I squeezed my eyes shut and let myself scream and scream. The sound was loud, obviously. I shouted as much as I did. No one was going to hear me. This place was isolated. Suddenly, tears started to stream down my face. Tears. The ing watery substance was taking part of my face. I screamed and wailed and punched the wall beside me. Hard. The impact created a reddened fist. It became swollen in a matter of seconds. I screamed even more. Cries escaped my mouth and my screaming turned into crying. I wailed and sobbed and cried.
I grabbed onto my hair and almost ripped out strands of them. I choked out saliva. I started to get the hiccups. My lower lip quivered countless times and my throat was becoming dry. I buried my face into my knees and cried more.
Why me? Why do I deserve this? I wasn't the greatest person but I deserved my own kind of fairytale. I would haven been a better person in the future with Hea Won by my side. I had other friends too, but Hea Won changed me. She was changing me slowly.
God, if you're there, please. Please bring my best friend back into the world. Please. Bring her back. She was a good person. She has many people who love her. Her parents love her. Her boyfriend loves her. Her best friend misses her. I miss her. I miss her. She's my best friend in the whole world. She meant so much to me and now she's gone?
She's gone? Just like that? Just like that? Just like that.
A couple of cries escaped my mouth as I hiccupped. I closed my eyes in my knees. Life is so short. It's so short. She was supposed to live a couple more years, damnit! Why did she have to go so soon? Cho Hea Won...
Hea Won. Why did you go? Couldn't you have stayed a bit longer? Just long enough to eat something? You were here for such a short time. Why so quick? Why? Just why? More sobs fall out of my mouth and I let myself cry. I deserved to cry. After not being able to cry for a long time, I deserved to cry.
I deserved Hea Won. I want her to come back. She deserved to come back in this world. Just for a couple of years. She needs to be here with me. In college. Graduation. The senior trip. It's because of her I'm able to attend these things. I would have given up a long time ago. I would have tried my best to get out of my mother's grasp, but Hea Won was the person that I stayed for.
Was there a reason to stay now? No, there wasn't. I should leave. Leave as in what? Dying? I'm too young. I don't want to make the same mistake. Leave Seoul? Leave Korea? Seems like a pretty good idea. Maybe I should leave. You know, whenever I get my own car. I could hijack a car. If I specialized in hijacking. Maybe get someone else to do it for me. Maybe I should just leave and go to my father. Yeah, I should. I should ask my dad to take me away from Korea. I want to leave Seoul. I want to never come back.
I don't want to ing come back to Korea. I want to stay away, and never come back. If only if only. If only life were easy.
My nonstop tears calmed down little by little. The hiccups never failed to stay away. I brought my head up slowly from my knees. My bare knees were wet with tears. I was still in my school uniform. I was dirty. It's been a day already. From looking at the sky, it was probably early afternoon. The sun was there, shining its heart out.
Stupid sun. Bring back the clouds. Stupid nature. I hate you. I hate the world. I hate people. I hate everything.
I am heartless.
I'm cold.
I know nothing about affection.
I know nothing.
I was worthless without Hea Won. Without her, I knew nothing. I don't know anything.
I leaned my head back and closed my eyes. I am a loser.
If something happens, I want you to be strong. I want you to overcome the obstacles that stand in your way. If they want to start war with you, I want you to fight back with all your might. Don't let them overtake you.
I gave out a small, quivering sigh. But Hea Won- what if I was fighting for someone that's dead? What if I'm scarred for life? You're gone and I'm already a mess. You see me, right? I'm a complete, total mess. You're gone and I'm horrible. I can't fight against the afterlife. I have no one. No one. I'm going to completely destroyed in this world.
That's what you think.