He Started It by Hitting on Me

The Insanity of Kim Jonghyun: The Very Beginning

In what world do they have the right to kiss in front of me like that? Do they even know who's watching them? Have they no idea that they're in broad daylight? What kind of fools do things like kissing in school? God, I swear if they had I will pull the 'Avada Kedavra' spell on them. I mean, which bastards go behind your back and kiss each other like nothing happened before? Like as if nothing happened to the guy who's heart was shredded into billions of pieces and then was met by the disgusting sight of a kiss of a girl he now thinks is a again, and a guy who he now will kill in his sleep.
I'm hurt. I am entirely stung by this scene. I could feel my heart cracking as if it were like my skull. Knowing I could no longer see anymore, I snapped my head towards another direction and started to stomp away from them, my insides fuming with anger.
I'm going to try to find Voldemort and get him to kill them. Since Taemin is this huge Harry Potter fan, then I should get the most feared nose less thing to murder Taemin, right? RIGHT. As for that , I will personally kill her myself and laugh as the blood oozes down her face, body, stuff, etc.
I SHALL GET MY REVENGE. THEY SHALL RUE THE DAY; RUE IT! RUE IT, I SAY! My nostrils flared as I stomped farther away from them, the atmosphere becoming darker to me every second. I was quick with my heavy steps, but they began to slow down. Everything began to slow down. My heart was beating rather sadly, and a melancholy tune from a drama started to play in my head. I felt myself pouting and my shoulders slumped.
Mi Young went for Taemin instead of me. Why is that? Last time I checked, Mi Young thought he was weird. But she went for him. Why did she kiss him? Why did I have to see it?
I brought a hand up to my face and let it slowly fall while touching my face. I groaned rather caveman-ly and went on walking towards wherever. But suddenly, a light bulb went on. I snapped my head back up and brought out my phone. Maybe there is a person who could tell me what's going on. He is like almost an angel. I pressed 'Message'.
Key, do you mind telling me what's up with Mi Young and Taemin??
A text comes back seconds later. Key's really good at hiding his phone from the teachers.
Now don't freak out but they're... dating. It's a shocker, right?
Hell yeah it's a shocker. I bet they told everyone and didn't bother to tell me. Although I know why. I sighed and went back on to texting Key.
I saw them kissing.
THEY WERE WHAT?
They were kissing. Smooching. They made mouth-to-mouth connection.
Sure?
I'm sure. They were close to each other's faces. I'm sad.
Aw, baby, I know you are. Don't worry; we'll break them up.
I found a broad smile making its way to my face. As much as I am very fond of that beautiful idea, I decided to tell Key what was right.
Thanks Key, but you would hurt Taemin's feelings.
Even after seeing that you still care for the boy, huh?
I'm a loving man. Sue me.
I'm sure you are. It's okay, Jjong. Things don't last forever.
Taemin's obsession lasts forever, I thought grumpily.
Yeah, I guess. But you have to know... I confessed to her a few days ago.
WHAT? YOU CONFESSED AND DIDN'T TELL ME ABOUT IT? OMG, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? UGH, GIMME ALL THE DETAILS NOW.
I told Key about what had happened from the beginning to end in one long text. It took about a minute until he replied.
Oh poor baby.
No need to feel pity for me.
Not you, Taemin!
Taemin's the one my woman! D:<
He's still a kid!
He's not a kid; he's a man! If he wants Mi Young, he gets her! I'm a man of my own needs too, and I want her!
Then go get her.
WELL, LET ME JUST KILL OFF TAEMIN AND RUN AWAY WITH MY PRECIOUS MI YOUNG. A DUDDLY DOO.
Okay, from your vibes I could sense you don't think it's easy. It's not. But patience is all you need, Jonghyun. Maybe patience will come through and you'll get Mi Young. Trust me on this.
I don't agree with patience.
Shut up and trust me.
I want her now.
Go with patience.
I don't want her to suck Taemin's lollipop.
STFU AND STAY PATIENT.
OKAY, WHATEVER. BYE.
I shoved my phone back into my pocket and folded my arms. Some y angel Key is.
I glanced up at the clock above on the wall and it was ten minutes past the late bell. I stared hard and hard at the clock, my mind blank. After giving a good minute at the clock, I turned on my heel and marched straight for science.
I don't care what happens, I just want to see that girl.
I opened the door with a flick of my wrist and it slammed open. Everyone looked at me with his or her eyes widened. I wasn't staring anyone at particular, though my eyes desperately wanted to look at Mi Young. I look right at Professor Cheung, who had an eyebrow raised. He adjusted his glasses.
"Quite tardy are we, Mr. Kim?" he asked in that deep voice of his. I said nothing. He took the message and sighed. "Very well. Just sit next to Ms. Park and get on with life," he said, going over to his desk.
I take my eyes off him and walk my way over to the seat next to her. I screech the chair back farther than it should and plop myself in the chair. I slump in my chair as I fold my arms and look forward.
I could feel Mi Young staring at me for a second but then she went back to her notebook.
Fine, , don't look or speak to me. I don't care. Just let my heart break if that's what you want.
I sniffled for a second and stared straight ahead. I heard Onew's faint screams behind me.
Time went by excruciatingly slow. It wasn't that agonizing for me, but I bet it was for Mi Young. Truth be told, the atmosphere between us two was somewhat awkward. She barely paid any attention to me. If she was trying to see what I was doing, then I'd say she was doing a perfectly hell of a good job keeping it hidden. These are times when I want to pounce on her and get the freaking words out of her mouth. I wanted to ask Mi Young several things, starting with the sudden shock of Taemin and her kissing in public. And I die a little in the inside again to that thought.
I sighed longingly and slumped my shoulders. Twenty minutes have passed and nothing, I repeat, nothing happened between us two. She wrote in her notebook while I tried to ignore her presence; but how could I do that when she's the one avoiding me? I WANT ANSWERS, MAN!
How come she started to date Taemin? She started to Taemin of all people. Taemin! That's worse than Onew! And believe me, Onew is not the dating kind of guy. Well, not unless you're the type who has the same interests as him. But that works for everybody, right?
Anyway, the reality just cannot be accepted to me. I cannot accept what I see, I just can't. It's just not right. Taemin isn't even that close to her like I am. I spent more time with her, I know her more, and she should like ME more.
And let me get on to this: why doesn't she like me? I'm not a bad guy. Okay, I understand we got off at a rough start, but things slowly progressed. I mean, look at me: I'm mourning about the fact the has more of a liking towards Taemin than me. See? That's progress. Now if only that demon could make progress and ing LIKE ME. Ha, but now we all really know that won't happen, right? Yeah, because she likes Taemin. Oh, Taemin, you are so going to get it whenever I get my hands on you.
You guys think of me as some kind of dinosaur, right? You think of me as some lame short dinosaur? I'll have you know dinosaurs were popular around the time of the Mesozoic era and happened to be very abundant at the time. There were carnivores, herbivores and omnivores. Some dinosaurs dominated that time period, and I happen to be a part of those extinct fellow brothers. I am the only one alive in existence. Yeah, you heard me right; I'm over sixty-five million years old. What now, es?
So now I will eat you all and have a feast with myself. You like to hurt a dinosaur and mess with its feelings, right? Dinosaurs have feelings, believe it or not. We have feelings. And we shall make you rue the day. RUE, I SAY, RUE!
Mi Young will rue the day. She will. I just can't believe she'd go after him... and not stay with me. That hurts. That hurts a whole lot. Maybe I am being ignorant, maybe I'm not, but it stings to know what's been going on for the past few days when you've been gone. It's as if your parents just had a newborn baby sibling without telling you at all. You found out when you guys ended up in the hospital and you asked why you were there. By that time, the baby was on its way. And then they paid all attention to the baby and not you.
There was a time like that many, many years ago. With a sister of mine....
Wait, I'm getting off topic.
Where was I? Oh yeah, hating Mi Young and Taemin. I gave Mi Young a side-glance so I could see what she was doing. She was doing her work and had no idea whatsoever that I was looking at her. God, why can't I just get the nerve to ask her what has been going on for these past few days....
But I'm afraid that if do ask her, she'll lie to me in my face and I would never trust her anymore. Would she lie to my face? Wouldn't it be better to conquer your fears and just do it? That way there will be nothing to fear. Wouldn't it just be better to ask her than to stay silent for the rest of my life? It could be better, it could, but I also fear the anger and jealousy that's within me. It's not a pretty sight, trust me, these youngsters I call 'friends' know what they're dealing with.
But what if I do stay silent? What if Mi Young and I never speak to each other again? I've been living the damn life because of her! If we don't talk, it just won't get any better and I could already see how life is going to turn out for me. No college, no job, kicked out of the house, no place to live, sorrow, living on the streets, drinking, e areas....
Hell, I think I might have to join the es United Society to get some money. Yeah, like some gay thing. See how my life is turning out at the top of my head? This might just be my future. And I do not want to have that future.
I want to have my future with Mi Young. Right now I could tell how my future is going to be with Mi Young. Insults, fights, moments where I want to kiss her, moments where I sneak up on her and kiss her, moments where she gets scared, more insults, moments when I hug her, more fights, more, more fights....
Now this is my future with Mi Young if I keep being a friend to her. If we ever go up to the stage where we become a couple, I think I might as well be the happiest man on earth. My life will seriously be worth living.
I like Mi Young. There's no way in denying that I like her. I think about her almost all the time. The other time is when I plan a little something for Taemin and her for what they've done. Again, it breaks my achy little heart.
Mi Young's a , but she will always be a . I've been with her for many months now and I could tell that no matter how much she changes, there will always be that y side of hers for eternity. Without that scary personality, there really is no Park Mi Young. It's just... a normal person. And normal does not suit her at all. Well, if you compare her to the guys in our group, then yeah, she's less weird than them, but she's still weird whatsoever.
So then why can't I talk to her? I miss hearing the sound of her voice and I miss everything we were doing just before I confessed at the wrong time. I knew I shouldn't have said it then, I just knew it. My instincts were telling me it was not the ing time, but my heart was saying, "GO FOR IT, ."
So I did. And I got hurt in the end. She rejected me when she ran for Taemin instead of me, and I was rejected again when she started to go out with Taemin instead of me. And this irks me because I was originally the first one to confess. Well, okay, maybe Taemin kept saying many times he liked her and wished to do... stuff but I said it right to her face and was serious. Taemin was serious but he had a smile on his face every time he said something about his liking for her.
I was solemn and honest to her the whole time I was confessing. Everything just started to come out of my mouth like as if it was there for several weeks, wanting to come out so that one day the truth the can be heard.
The truth was heard, however, that little Taemin and Mi Young couple crumpled it up and threw it back in my mouth. Ugh, es and their betrayal.
So I should talk to Mi Young. I want to ask her what she the heck she thinks she's doing and most importantly, what she thought of my feelings. I squared my shoulders. I should ask her, shouldn't I? It'll be somewhat of a good time to ask her, since Professor Cheung just gave us work. I'll ask her now and get it on with. But if the answers are not what I wanted, I will cry right here and right now.
Okay... here it goes.
I turned my head towards the right. "Mi-"
The seat in front of me was empty. There was no bag, no book, and no redheaded girl. She was gone. I kept my mouth open as I looked around the other desks. There was no one else here except me.
"Daydreaming, Mr. Kim?" That deep, masculine voice snapped me to the direction it was coming from, and then I was laying eyes on Professor Cheung.
He was scribbling something in his binder, the pen slanting upwards and downwards as he stared boringly at it. "You seemed to be lost in some kind of trance," Professor Cheung stated, still scribbling in his binder.
I scratched my head awkwardly. "Ha, I'm sorry. I was just thinking," I replied.
"Tell me, what were you thinking about?"
"Um... dinosaurs." Well, it was partially correct.
Professor Cheung kept writing in his binder. "Uh-huh, I see..." he trailed off.
There was a moment of silence in the classroom. I kept my ears open to the hallway. There were not that many sounds. When the heck did class end? I glanced at the clock and widened my mouth when I found out what time it was.
It was 3:15. I was in this classroom for a freaking fifteen minutes. How long was I thinking? See, boys and girls? Thinking is not right; it makes you so deep in thought that you forget where you are. I cleared my throat to break the silence. I grabbed my bag. "Well, Professor Cheung, I think I will be going now-"
"Stay."
I stayed.
He wrote something in his binder again and without looking, he asked, "Where do you plan on going?"
I raised an eyebrow. "What?" I asked.
"Where do you plan on going after high school?" he asked, making his question a bit more specific.
I shrugged. "I don't know," I answered truthfully.
"Do you not want to go to college?" he asked.
"I do, but I just don't have the..." I trailed off.
"Don't have the what?" he asked the pen still inking on the paper.
"I don't have enough credits for college," I admitted sheepishly.
"Is it only credit that you question your college admission?"
"Uh, no," I answered truthfully.
"Well, what else is there?"
"I don't think I have the potential, actually," I responded.
"Why wouldn't you?"
"Uh, well, because I'm not that bright."
Professor Cheung stopped the pen in his hand from writing any further. He looked up from his binder and adjusted his glasses. "You think you are not that bright?" he queried.
I nodded slowly. Professor Cheung stared at me for a long time. His eyes bored into mine and kept it there. I was getting a little uncomfortable. Suddenly, he folded his hands in front of him.
"What's two plus two?" he asked.
"Four?" I said, making it seem like a question. What does this have to do with anything?
Professor Cheung tilted his head to the side. "What's the square root of 81?"
"9?" Seriously, what the hell are we doing? He's a science teacher!
"What is a noun?" he asked in English.
"A noun is a thing, place or thing," I replied in Korean.
His hands rose up near his face. "I have no idea why you cannot take the test. You seem to know particular things," he said.
"But Professor, those things are easy to learn. I'm not sure about the crucial things," I told him.
"If you could answer the questions I asked, why can't you answer the ones on the test? Mr. Kim, things get harder as we get older. We progress day by day to have more of an idea of every little thing. You just can't stay with the basics and think you're done. You learn something new each day. Why don't you take that time and study for once?" he said, raising an eyebrow.
I blinked twice and then shrugged. "I'm not a study person."
"Then become one. You won't get anywhere in life without studying."
I nodded. "It's not easy though," I mumbled. He seemed to have heard me, for he spoke up the next minute.
"Make it seem easy. Make study notes if you have to. Memorize things. I see making notes will be a problem since you don't take them in my class," he said, eyeing me in a weird way.
I slumped slightly. "S-sorry Professor Cheung," I muttered.
"No, don't apologize to me. I am not part of your future. But if you would like to stay with Ms. Park, then I suggest you study to get into Seoul University," Professor Cheung advised.
I nodded slowly. "Yes, Professor-" I stopped in the middle of my sentence to process what I just heard. I looked at Professor Cheung with a confused expression on my face. "Excuse me, Professor, but did you just say Ms. Park...?"
Professor Cheung nodded. "Yes, I did," he simply answered.
I kept staring at him. "May I ask why you said that...?"
Professor Cheung sighed as he leaned forward. "I think it's best if some things are left unanswered, hm? But take my offer and study. It'll help you in the long run. Good luck, Mr. Kim." He began to scribble in his binder again, dismissing me from class. I took my bag and stood up, bowing slightly to Professor Cheung and leaving.
As soon as I was out of the classroom, my mouth hung open. How would he know about Mi Young? I don't I've ever said anything to him, let alone said anything around the guy about Mi Young. That's just... creepy. She's going to Seoul University? How come I didn't know that?
I sighed and kept on walking. I thought about what had happened in class today but nothing happened. Nothing had happened. Mi Young didn't try to speak to me and I didn't bother her. We were avoiding each other.
I felt my stomach churning unpleasantly. Why didn't she speak to me? It couldn't have been that awkward, was it? I don't like the fact that she's not speaking to me anymore. It's been a few days but it seems more like years.
I'm telling you, Mi Young has this huge effect on me. I groaned as I walked out of the school.
She probably was with that boy. Ugh, it makes me sick every time I remember that she's dating him. A dark cloud of anger hung over my head. This has got to be one of the worst things I've ever heard. That stupid kiss is one of the stupid things I've ever seen.
It's so stupid that it's ridiculous. And those people! God, those ignorant, shameless people.
WHY DO THEY HAVE TO MEAN SO MUCH TO ME? WHY AM I SUCH A KIND AND BEAUTIFUL HUMAN BEING? WHY?
Look at me: I'm insane. And it was because of those two good-for-nothing little pieces of...
I looked up to the sky, a desperate look spread across my face. I clasped my hands together and pouted at the sky. "Hea Won, if this is your way of saying I'm going to benefit from this, this is the worst way ever!"
***
I couldn't do it. I just couldn't do it. When Taemin's lips were near mine, I just couldn't close that distance.
It did not feel right.
When I said yes, I thought I was going to be confident at the time and just get it over with. But as I was getting closer to his face, my thoughts began to accumulate.
This was going to be Taemin's first kiss. I was not supposed to take that away from him. That didn't belong to me; it belonged to the girl who's right for Taemin. If I kissed him, I would feel rather guilty because I don't like him in the way he does.
After I kiss him, what would happen after? How long am I going to keep up with this and keep lying to him, our friends, and myself? I don't like Taemin and I know that. It was wrong to date him. I seem like some kind of cougar or something. He is a year younger, but it still counts for something, right?
And right before my lips could touch Taemin's, Jonghyun's face came up in my mind. It was that same damn look that I see every time I look into his eyes. Those solid chocolate eyes of sadness were haunting me once again. It came into my mind like a flash and stayed right there.
After thinking about Jonghyun's face, I pulled back before Taemin's lips could touch mine. Taemin furrowed his eyebrows slightly in confusion and stared at me cautiously.
I shook my head. "I can't kiss you, Taemin," I told him.
"Why?" he asked.
I opened my mouth to say something, but then shut it. What was I supposed to say? It wasn't right? Save it for someone else? I was thinking of freaking Jonghyun before I could touch your lips?
No, none of them seemed good. So I just came up with a white lie.
"I might have cooties," I blurted out, my mind blank of ideas.
Taemin stared at me for a while, his stare blank and glazed. I stared back, searching his eyes for what he might be thinking about. Suddenly, a smile came onto his face. "Okay, noona! Just tell me when those cooties are gone. Bye~!" he chirped as he skipped his way to his next class.
I sighed in relief when he was out of sight and earshot. I turned on my heel and walked inside of science before the bell rang. I sat in my seat and waited for class to begin. I heard Onew whimper as he took his seat next to that Tiny Loud Mouth girl. He just won't ever get over her creepiness.
Class had begun as Professor Cheung told us to take out our notebooks and get ready to take notes. He spent five minutes saying things we were supposed to know for his upcoming tests and such. Five minutes later, he gave us work to do. As those five minutes went by, the door slammed open.
I turned my head towards the door and surprisingly found Jonghyun. He was glaring and was visibly pissed off. He kept staring at Professor Cheung as if he were the cause of all his problems. I gave out a short sigh. He knows.
There would be nothing else to make Jonghyun this mad. If he didn't know and came to class, he would have been looking rather melancholy instead of 'I'M-GOING-TO-RIP-YOUR-ING-HEAD-OFF'. Professor Cheung did not seem disturbed by Jonghyun's cold aura.
"Quite tardy are we, Mr. Kim?" he asked. Jonghyun said nothing. Professor Cheung sighed. "Very well. Just sit next to Ms. Park and get on with life."
Jonghyun came around to his seat and made a sound with his chair that wasn't needed. He plopped down in his chair and looked straight ahead, his expression still cold. I looked at him for a second to see if he would talk to me, but he didn't. I turned back to my work and began to write.
Jonghyun didn't glance in my way at all. I would look from the corner of my eye to see what he was doing and it would always appear that he was drifting off into some kind of daydream. I thought that if I bothered him, he would ignore me and I'd look like a dumb .
So for the whole period, I was doing my work while Jonghyun daydreamed. He muttered things under his breath but I couldn't quite figure them out. After the period ended, everyone got up except for Jonghyun.
I thought about shaking him and telling him to get up, but then I thought he would have just ignored me. So I left with a tense Onew.
Maybe he's not in the greatest mood today. I wonder if he'll be any different tomorrow. And then I asked myself why I cared.
Key, Minho, Yanna, and Taemin were all waiting by the exit around the front. Taemin smiled once he saw Onew and I. "Hi, hyung and noona~!" he greeted, waving. Onew jumped into Taemin's arms.
"Oh, Taemin. I'm so glad to see you. It's been so long!" Onew wailed.
"I saw you last period, hyung," Taemin whispered, patting Onew's back. Onew sobbed as he squeezed Taemin's waist even tighter.
"I was with the devil of my time. Let me hug you!" Onew cried again. Taemin let him do whatever he wanted. He wasn't referring to me, but the Tiny Loud Mouth.
When I tore my gaze away from them, I found Key staring at me intently. I raised an eyebrow. "Is something wrong?" I asked.
Key didn't say anything before leaning in closer to my ear. "Why didn't you tell me Jonghyun confessed?" he quietly asked.
"I didn't know you wanted to know," I replied honestly in the same quiet tone.
"I'm Key for mothering Pete's sake; of course I wanted to know."
"Between what happened me and Jonghyun?" I asked.
"Uh, yeah."
"Do you already know all the details?"
"Yeah."
"Jonghyun?"
"Yeah," Key admitted.
I sighed. "Then what's wrong?" I asked.
"You're dating Taemin after Jonghyun confessed to you. What is that?" he asked.
"I don't get it either, Key. I just couldn't say no to him," I sighed, rubbing my temples. Key sighed as well and glanced over at Onew and Taemin.
"He's a kid, of course you couldn't say no. Your love for kids interfered with the situation and you just gave in. It's really just common sense if you think about it," Key nodded, rubbing his chin.
I leered at him. "When did you become the smart ?" I asked.
Key smirked. "I always was the best at these things. And I guess I still am," he cheekily replied, showing me the peace sign.
I rolled my eyes. "Let's go home," I told him, and gripped onto my bag as we all left the school.
We all walked together for a few minutes until all of us decided to go our separate ways. Yanna and Minho were going to go to Minho's house and said goodbye. Onew had to go home because he had food there, and Key was going to go and study for his upcoming test. Taemin was going to walk me home.
So Taemin and I walked to my house together, talking about what's been going on in everyday life and talked about Harry Potter and Pokémon. I could tell Taemin had a thing for cute things and Emma Watson. Boy did he like Emma Watson. It questioned me if he liked me as much.
It wasn't that bad talking to Taemin. He would seem almost normal if it weren't for those creepy, random out-of-the-blue sayings about wanting to be my first or something. This Taemin may not be all that innocent, as he appears to be.
By the time we got to my house, I was silently telling myself to end it right here, right now. It just couldn't go on anymore. If it went on further, I don't think I'll be able to take the guilt in.
So as soon as I got to the front door, I spoke up. "Taemin, we need to talk," I said, sounding like one of those idiots in TV shows and crap. Never have I thought I would see the day where I would be saying one of those lines. It seems so... bogus.
Taemin tilted his head to the side and widened his eyes. "Yes?"
Holy , not that face again.
"Bye." I quickly scrambled to open the door and closed the door in his face.
"Bye noona~!" he said. I heard footsteps walk away from my doorstep and it became fainter as time went by.
I gave out a defeated sigh. I suck deer balls for being such a chicken. If he looked more like a man, I would have definitely dumped him. I put a hand on my forehead. The atmosphere suddenly became quiet, as I heard nothing but the wind outside my door. I lowered my head and leaned against the door.
"Hea Won, I wish you were here. Then you could tell me what to do," I whispered, feeling heavyhearted already.
I was lost without my best friend by my side. I never knew I actually needed advice for relationships and boys. That was one of the least things on my mind.
But now I need it more than ever.
This wasn't Park Mi Young. It was some other . I didn't know her. I didn't know her at all. What game was life playing with me now? I know I made the choice, but that's not what Park Mi Young would do, right? What would she do?
What would Park Mi Young do?