He Started It by Hitting on Me

As Soon as the Barrier Breaks, It Comes Back Once More

A few days passed after I've unsuccessfully tried to break up with Taemin. It was a day in June, a simple, sunny Wednesday. The weather was getting warmer and we were changing into short-sleeved uniforms. You could tell how the s and bastards reacted to this: They've never been so happy.
Our whole group was still the same old, same old. We do nothing except take tests and fool around and other things teenagers do. It became a bit more comfortable to be around them while I was dating Taemin. Ugh, that still sounds foreign to me. Taemin and I have been much closer than before. I was able to know more things about him.
Like, for instance, he moves around in his sleep. He likes to eat sweet things (he has a sweet tooth). He doesn't like to be called cute, for he, and I quote, "is a man". His favorite hyung is Onew (big shocker; I thought it would be Minho), and he likes to dance. I knew that he liked to dance, but what I didn't know is how amazing he was at it. I was astonished by his smooth moves and how easy he makes it seem.
Taemin isn't that creepy boy I thought I knew from before; he was this pretty charming guy who always had a smile on his face. He always had a smile plastered onto his mouth. He told me that people should persevere and keep going on with a smile on his or her faces and think that everything is going to work out if we just work hard enough. I asked him what about death but he said we should still keep smiling. We should smile when we die. Okay.
I still want to break up with him though. I just could tell I wasn't the right one for him. He deserves someone way better than me, and I have hope that he'll find someone. It's just not me. I have to have the damn nerve to break up with him, especially since he has that face of his. It's like you're trying to kill a baby for your own survival, but you're hesitant to do it. And now that I know more about him, it makes it even harder.
So I've been getting along with Taemin, and I've been getting along with everybody else. Well, that is, except for one guy. Kim Jonghyun. He's back at school now and he hangs out with Key and all of us, but he never tries to speak to me. He never tries to speak to Taemin. He either talks to anyone else in the group or he keeps his head in a book. I doubt he actually reads.
There were times when I would catch Jonghyun staring at me, but when he knew he was discovered, he would look away. This angered yet saddened me. Why couldn't he try to talk to me? That way he wouldn't make me feel like a load of crap. But I know where he's coming from. I wouldn't talk to him either because I felt just as awkward as he did. He thought if we did speak, we wouldn't know what to say.
Whenever we had science, Jonghyun would not share eye contact with me. He would look at Professor Cheung, as if he were really listening to him. It proved Jonghyun was avoiding me. Or maybe he just didn't like me in any way anymore and is pretending I don't exist. That makes me want to cut off his freaking balls.
Key has been urging me to go talk to Jonghyun. I told him how Jonghyun doesn't even try to talk to me and that it weirdly pisses me off. Key told me it was just a phase. I asked him what phase. He said "the awkward phase of getting there". I asked what the hell did that mean, but he said, "You'll get it".
So back to our simple, sunny day of June: Many students were facing their 'examination hell' because of the entrance exam for college. I watched them study in the library, I saw some on the floor during study hall with their textbooks and study sheets, and I saw some girls in the bathroom memorizing terms. It's kind of sad to see them like this, especially since I've already taken it.
Whatever. These whores should have studied a long time ago. School is going to end soon anyway. Ah, yes, senior year is about to come to an end. After this year I'll be going off to college and doing stuff there. College will be bigger, there will be more people, and the tasks will be even more difficult. It's as if my life wasn't hard enough.
Anyway, there's going to be several senior activities for us. There's graduation, Senior Skip Day (surprisingly we have it), the Senior Trip, Senior Prom, Yearbook Day, and et cetera. Though I have no interest in taking part of these useless activities, I'm a hundred percent sure Key is going to make me. Graduation is a must, and Senior Skip Day is the only one I look forward to. Who doesn't want to skip school? I wish I skipped school right now, though; Jonghyun is a motherer who keeps irritating me by not talking to me. That's a new one.
We're in science once again, and that simple-minded babo is still not speaking to me. He's avoiding my presence again, and he's looking anywhere but me. That little er pisses me off so, so much.
And then again, why am I being so affected by this? I shouldn't care. Wouldn't that be inconsiderate? I broke his friggin' heart for Pete's sake! He's making me go out of my freaking mind! I'M ING PISSED!
The pencil tip was pushed against the paper roughly. It's been more than a week and I still haven't talked to him. It's weird because I don't talk to Jonghyun for more or less than ten hours. It's been seven days and not one word has been spoken to me from his talkative mouth. It is just unbelievable.
Class went on at its moderate pace. I hoped class would end quicker so I could go home and forget this day ever happened like every other day. I heard the small ticks of the clock on the wall; this told me how quiet it was in the classroom. Professor Cheung was writing something in his binder while his students were doing work.
Jonghyun was right there beside me, scribbling something into his notebook, not bothering to look at me or anything else for that matter. It stunned me that he was actually writing down something instead of staring mindlessly staring into space. It's kind of suspicious, actually...
Onew was still afraid of the Tiny Loud Mouth girl. It's like she never gets bored with him. This time he's trying to go all ninja on her while she tries to block his moves and lunge for him. I think Onew is having more fun with her than trying to get away.
I gave out a sigh. I could still hear the little ticks the clock was making. Before I knew it, the bell made its usual dull ding and informed us it was time to go home.
Finally, I thought as I gathered all my books and began placing them in my bag. Students started to walk their way out of the class as little murmurs from them began to arise. Jonghyun was right near the exit out before Professor Cheung told him to stay.
Jonghyun stopped in his tracks and turned around. Professor Cheung stared at me. "And you as well, Ms. Park," he told me. I put my bag around my shoulder. Onew was heading out the door and gave us one look before exiting. Bye, bye, Onew.
Professor Cheung gave us each a glance. He sighed. "How's the tutoring going?" he asked.
Both Jonghyun and I blinked. I haven't been tutoring Jonghyun since last week because of the shocking confession he had made to me. And to this day I still find it unimaginable.
"It's okay," I answered, trying to get the silence moving.
"Oh, is that so? What's been going on in your tutoring sessions?" Professor Cheung asked, placing a pen in his pencil holder.
"Uh, well, he's been studying, uh..." I trailed off, trying to find the latest thing Jonghyun has been studying. I furrowed my eyes slightly as I tried to remember. Was it epicenters? No. Did we study about earthquakes? Wait, we already did that. What were we studying?
"Uh..." I trailed off again, my nose scrunching up a bit. "I..."
"We were studying about the atmosphere," Jonghyun replied to Professor Cheung's question.
I looked at Jonghyun; surprised he knew what we were doing for our tutoring sessions. He caught me looking at him and quickly looked away.
Professor Cheung nodded once. "Uh-huh, I see... When was the last time you guys had a tutoring session?"
This time, Jonghyun and I were lost for an answer. The atmosphere around us was silent and slightly uncomfortable. I looked at the ground for a moment, trying to accumulate a lie or something to get Professor Cheung to believe. None of us spoke in this utter silence. The only sound that was heard was the students' senseless talking outside the classroom. Other than that it was quiet.
"About two weeks ago," I replied quietly.
There was another silence in the room. "Oh, really? Why is that?" Professor Cheung asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Personal problems," I replied, sensing Jonghyun lowering his head to my answer.
"You do realize Mr. Kim has a test next week on the atmosphere? He needs all the help he can get. I want you to go to his house and help him study. Or you will be in trouble," Professor Cheung warned.
I nodded slowly. I didn't get it; why did I have to help him? Why couldn't it have been someone else? Why did Professor Cheung choose me? Was there really no one else? Well, it could be that I'm the smartest of them all, but I'm being a bit conceited aren't I?
"Yes, Professor Cheung, we'll be going now," I said, bowing down. Jonghyun bowed down as well. I began to walk away from my desk when Professor Cheung called out again.
"Oh, and Mr. Kim? I hope you are studying for your future. You really do need it," Professor Cheung said to Jonghyun. Jonghyun was already at the door, his hand on the doorknob. His back was facing me as he nodded.
"Yes, seonsaengnim." And he left. I followed after him, staying a few feet behind. He didn't turn back nor did he speak to me. He acted as if I wasn't there at all. A feeling struck me almost suddenly, and I felt my shoulder almost slump. The feeling was slightly painful, as my stomach churned slowly. In a way it felt sour, I'm really not sure how to explain. I don't even know why I have this feeling.
We passed the white walls of art, cases of trophies, and other doors that led to classrooms. The exit was all the way in the front of hallway, and surprisingly there was a person waiting. And it was none other than Taemin.
He was leaning against the wall as one leg was propped against it. His arms were folded as he looked straight ahead. As if he knew I was there, he turned his head to the side and smiled. "Hi, noona!" he chirped.
I waved back weakly. "What are you doing here?" I asked, trying to ignore Jonghyun's low grunt of disapproval. He stood by the exit, one hand on the door and he was staring at the ground. I could tell he wasn't so pleased.
"I was waiting for you. Onew hyung said that you were back in class with Jonghyun hyung." Taemin glanced at Jonghyun, who was still staring at the floor. He looked back at me and smiled.
"Ah, yeah, about that... I have to go with him," I said, gesturing towards Jonghyun with my head.
Taemin slightly furrowed his eyebrows. "Oh, uh, okay... why?" he asked.
"I tutor him," I replied. I could sense Jonghyun was reddening with embarrassment.
Taemin nodded steadily. "Okay then, I'll see you later, noona! Bye~!" Taemin gave me another smile.
"Okay, bye-" I was cut off when Taemin unexpectedly pulled me into a big embrace and held me tight. I gave out a small grunt and flinched at the touch of him. The hug was brief, but it was a full embrace of warmth from him. I could feel the tenderness from the hug. I felt my own hand rising to push Taemin away, but he pulled back and smiled again. This kid can never stop smiling.
"Bye," he said again. He turned around and used the other door that was adjacent to the one Jonghyun's arm was touching. Speaking of Jonghyun, he appeared to be fazed and his eyes were twitching vaguely. His fists were tightening, but they released after a moment. He gave out a sigh and pushed open the door. I followed after him.
I stayed a few feet behind Jonghyun as we walked to his house hurriedly. Well, Jonghyun was power-walking while I tried to keep up with him. I decided he wasn't in the greatest mood right now, so I just let him be.
We walked for about five minutes until coming across the familiar neighborhood where Jonghyun lived. I realized his neighborhood was no different from mine. I mean, there were more kids and more life, but other than that it was exactly the same. There were tiny kids running around as water from the sprinklers shot them in various places on their bodies. Some kids were playing basketball and soccer under the sun. It was a time for the youth in the warm weather. As soon as summer comes, the kids will be free to be doing whatever they wanted.
Freedom; I had none of that. They say when you're adults you'll become free. That's bull. I'm not free because I live with my mother when I can leave her and buy my own house somewhere far, far away, but I can't. I'm not free because guilt and stress eats the living hell out of me every second of my life. I'm not free because I just can't let myself become free. As situations pile up and things start to occur, I become more and more absorbed into it that I lose my freedom. I'm stuck on a road now; there are no cars or any kind of transportation that can take me back to freedom. Did I have freedom anywhere in my life? I was always stuck somewhere, no matter what it was. I was never off that road. I was constantly stuck.
Jonghyun and I made our way to his house and he took out his keys. He put a key in the lock and opened the door with one push. After he went in the house, I followed. He took off his shoes as so did I. Without one word he and I jogged upstairs with our bags and headed for his bedroom. I looked around the hallway again to find the same pictures that I've observed the day of my hangover. That picture with Jonghyun and the younger girl was still there, glowing with its mocking happiness and no care for the world. You look at the picture and you could see they were having a fun time. I've never seen Jonghyun look so happy before. He looked genuinely content.
We walked into Jonghyun's bedroom without a sound. Jonghyun walked over to his desk and sat down in the chair by the window. There was another chair near the desk, and then I had an idea where we were studying for today.
I quietly walked over to the empty chair and sat down, my relaxing on the smooth surface. I glanced at Jonghyun and found him with his arms folded in front of him, and a blank stare gazing at the floor. I pressed my lips together and looked over his desk to see if he had any textbooks or sheets from our sessions.
Luckily he had most of them and I found the one we were just starting on: The atmosphere. When I scanned over the study sheet, I found scribbles of handwriting that did not belong to me. It seems like somebody has been studying. That's an improvement for Jonghyun.
I checked to see where we stopped at in the chapter, while Jonghyun kept paying attention to the floor below our feet. In the chapter we had stopped at the Dewpoint Temperatures Chart. God, this was so basic. He should know this by five minutes, tops.
I cleared my throat. "Uh, we're going to determine on how to find the dewpoint temperature by using a chart," I announced to him, looking up from the study sheet. Jonghyun remained quiet as he stared at the ground.
I gave out a silent sigh. "Okay, well, a psychrometer is used to find the dewpoint. It consists of two thermometers: a dry-bulb thermometer and a wet-bulb thermometer. You can find which one is the wet-bulb thermometer by locating the wet 'sock' wrapped around its bulb. Water evaporates from the wet sock when the psychrometer is swung through the air. The temperature decreases because the heat is removed from the bulb of the thermometer. The smaller the difference between wet and dry bulb temperatures, the more humid the air," I explained.
There still was no sound coming from Jonghyun. The sun shined on the back of his head (since his back was facing the window), and he was still staring at the floor. This got me a bit irritated. Is the floor better than me? God, that er can get me so pissed off.
I gave out a huff of air. "Anyway, here's a chart for determining the dewpoint temperature," I said, bringing a textbook out from his stack of books. I flipped to a page where there was an example, and I pointed at it. "Okay, see this? We're going to use this as a problem. Okay, so assume the dry-bulb temperature is 10º C and the wet-bulb is 6º C. We have to subtract it to find the difference, right? Well, after that we have to locate the dry-bulb temperature, which is 10-" I pointed at the number ten on the left column where the dry-bulb temperature was. "- And we also have to find the difference between the temperatures, which is 4." I pointed at the number four where the Difference Between the Wet- and Dry-Bulb reading was.
I pointed at both the number ten and four. "We take both these fingers and try to connect it so that it can land on a number." Both my fingers started to go for each other and touched when it landed on the number one. "And this tells you the dewpoint temperature for this problem is 1º C," I finished, sighing quietly at the end of my demonstration.
I looked at Jonghyun to see what he thought of this. But silly me thought he was actually paying attention. He was looking at the floor again, his body still and motionless.
The steam in my system was slowly started to rise, my anger beginning to bubble at the pit of my stomach. He wasn't listening to me. He didn't want to listen to me. He was mad because of that damned day where everything began to turn upside down for him. I knew he was mad, I knew. But that didn't mean he could just ignore me and pretend I wasn't here in his bedroom wasting time to get him to become a bit smarter and learn something. He's going to do it anyway.
That little . But I could understand.
I inhaled and exhaled. I my lips. "Look. I know you're not happy with me. I'm not happy with me either. So if you're not going to listen, I could just leave you alone and we could just-"
"How do you find the dewpoint temperature again?"
"Huh?" I asked startled by the fact that he was speaking to me.
Jonghyun stared at the textbook and gestured to it. "How do you find the dewpoint temperature by using a chart?" he asked.
I blinked once as my mouth slightly parted. I pursed my lips to talk, and then opened my mouth to say the words. "Well, you locate the dry-bulb temperature first, which I said before was 10º C." I pointed at the number ten on the left column.
Jonghyun nodded once. He understood.
"Then you find the difference of the temperatures, and I said the wet-bulb temperature was..." I went on, retelling the steps to Jonghyun, who stared at the chart and nodded from time to time. I gave him another problem to do, just to see if he understood the chart and thankfully, he was able to do it correctly.
I nodded in satisfaction. "Wow. You learned it in about ten minutes," I said, impressed that he was able to do it.
Jonghyun shrugged, though there was a pleased glint in his eye. "What else do I have to learn?" he asked.
I checked over the worksheets. "There's also the relative humidity chart, but that's almost the same as the dewpoint one, so okay... uh, atmospheric pressure and the barometer, which I guess we'll have to do. There's also vapor pressure, and yeah... there's more, though...''
Jonghyun shook his head almost quickly. "I think the ones you've just said are enough. Let's just do those for today, is t-that okay?" he asked, bowing his head a little.
I nodded. "Yeah, I guess it's okay."
Jonghyun and I did the other things and I helped him with various things. We didn't insult each other, we didn't give each other dirty looks, and we didn't do anything that we would do. We were so... uncomfortable. Well, in the beginning we were, but then we progressed and insulted each other when we could.
I almost forgot I broke the guy's heart and that he wasn't pissed off at me a while ago when we were at school when Taemin gave me a hug. I flinched slightly. That hug was still very fresh in my mind. It was very... new to me. Hugs were never really my thing or anything, ergo my skinship problem. I have many problems, don't I?
After about two hours of studying, it was time for me to go home. My mother was still at work, but another two hours and she'll be ignoring me like I've been ignoring her. Ever since that fight, she and I have never spoken once. It's been almost a month and we're still not speaking to each other.
She doesn't care about me, so fine. Let her be cold towards me. If she wants to be like that, let her. I'll be gone from her sight not long.
I began to give Jonghyun some homework to do for the weekend while he stared at it, disgusted and unsatisfied. He was still sitting on the chair. He looked up at me (I was standing up). "Is this really necessary?" he asked, his eyes sort of huge. It kind of gave me a new feeling about how he looked like. He looked somewhat... different.
I nodded. "Yes, it is necessary. I want you to do all of it, and if you do get confused, then just save it for me until next week. Easy as that, see?" I said, throwing my bag over my shoulder.
Jonghyun pouted. "But it's so much work. I have other things to do, you know."
I raised an eyebrow. "Like what?" I wanted to know.
Jonghyun slightly parted his mouth. As he did that, nothing came out. His eyes darted back and forth across his room.
"Exactly, nothing. So keep your complaints to yourself and do the work. You'll benefit from it," I told him, walking out his bedroom door. He followed after me.
"Hey, I do things that make me busy, okay? I don't know why studying has to be one of them," Jonghyun said, walking beside me. He was oddly close.
"You'll be smarter than you are now," I encouraged, trying to get him to study. We just passed the picture of Jonghyun and the girl.
Jonghyun waggled his eyebrows. "Oh, you think I'm smart?" he asked, smirking.
I shook my head to his slightly cocky expression. "You're not that smart," I sighed.
Jonghyun gaped at me mockingly. He put a hand on his chest as if he were offended. "Are you trying to make me feel like a dumbass?"
"Who said anything about feeling like one? You are one."
Jonghyun gasped. "Yah!" he almost yelled. Okay, he was getting a bit annoyed. I smiled a bit.
"Of course, you're dumber than the average dumbass," I said, shrugging.
Jonghyun puffed out his cheeks and folded his arms. "You're such a ," he mumbled, looking at the floor.
I smiled. This is what I wanted to go back to. Honestly, I miss the teasing and insulting we used to do. It just faded away as time passed by. It felt like a part of me was washed over with relief and happiness once we went back to it. It was okay between Jonghyun and I and wanted things to stay that way. It would mean fewer problems for me to handle and stress over about.
We jogged down the stairs and went towards the door. Jonghyun was near the door and I was right next to him.
"So, I'll see you tomorrow at school then?" he asked, smiling slightly.
Whoa, he's smiling. So I see his bipolarity is still there. I nodded.
Jonghyun's smile widened. "Uh, well, arrive home safely," he said, scratching his head awkwardly.
I nodded again. "I will."
Jonghyun smiled again.
Suddenly my phone vibrates from my bag. I bring my bag from my shoulder and unzip it, rummaging through the inside until catching a hold of my phone. I brought it up to my face and saw that Taemin had given me a text message.
Noona~! I hope you're fine at home! If you need company, I'm here! I'm actually lonely so I need to seek some company >< Saranghae<3
I blinked at the text message. I shook my head slightly at Taemin's words. He's such a kid. Which is exactly why I need to break up with him. But stupid me can't.
"What's that?" Jonghyun asked, bringing me back to reality.
I raised my eyebrows. "Oh, this? Nothing, it was just a text."
"Oh, from who?"
"Uh..." I tried to gather up a name to let this go. "Key...?" I tried quietly.
Jonghyun furrowed his eyes, but then smiled playfully. "Who is it? Seriously, I won't judge you or anything-" Jonghyun swiftly took the phone out of my hands as he stared at the screen, his smile still visible on his face.
As soon as his eyes scanned the text, his smile faltered as his expression darkened in less than a moment. His face was deadpanned as the phone stayed in place in front of him. I smacked myself mentally. I knew I should have saved it until I got outside. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Jonghyun's hand abruptly pulled out in front of me. "Here," he said in a blunt tone. I took my phone from him. He opened the door and let me exit out.
"I hope you and your boyfriend have a fun time together," he said, not really meaning it, and closed the door with an almost loud slam. I closed my eyes and grunted softly. This was the wrong time for Taemin to text me. Just as I was about to be okay with Jonghyun and let bygones be bygones, Taemin happens to give me a text. He's lucky I don't kick kids' asses.
I started walking away from Jonghyun's house; eyeing the younger kids have a great time with their toys and whatnot. A feeling of dread draped over me. Was this necessary? Was it really necessary for my life to become like this? A normal life would have been better, I'm sure it would have. But no, destiny, fate, God, whatever wanted me to face something a bit more challenging. Does anyone not understand how difficult it is to be in this position?
I ran a hand through my hair and groaned silently. I recalled what happened not so long ago as I was leaving. When Jonghyun said, "I hope you and your boyfriend have a fun time together," I couldn't help but hear the hurt in his voice. It sounded as if he was about to cry. It tightened my chest for a second.
Why? Why is life so complicated? Why do things happen in the wrong time? It's so frustrating.
I think about Jonghyun and the pain that he's endured for the past week or month, since he's been liking me for more than a month now, and wonder how in the world did he keep his mouth shut for so long? He liked me even after all that I've done to him, and when he knew about the things that happened in my life, he stayed. He was always there. And I hurt him. I guess I've already hurt him three times, excluding the several other times I've insulted him and hurt him physically.
As I walked, I turned my head around to see Jonghyun's house. It stood there on its ground, looking bright and homey. Despite its comfortable aura, there was a saddened and annoyed boy in that house, probably just looking at the ground and wondering why in the world he ever liked me.
I wonder that too. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I ever came into your life and began a series of unfortunate events for you, Jonghyun. I'm sorry I hurt you physically and mentally. I'm sorry for letting you get to know me, without knowing what would happen if I did. I'm sorry that you found yourself liking me and couldn't do anything about it. I'm sorry for breaking your heart when I knew I should not have. I'm sorry for giving you hopes, Jonghyun. I'm sorry for misunderstanding you. I'm sorry for being such an and a . I'm sorry I did things that weren't supposed to be done. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry, Jonghyun.
I looked away from Jonghyun's house and kept on walking, a bit faster this time. I'd like to go home right now and sleep for the whole day. Screw homework; I could do it at school. I just want to jump in my comfy bed, sink my head in the pillow, and drift off to a beautiful dreamland of possibilities and no worries. I'm just going to forget everything and everyone. I want to stay in my city, the city I made up in my mind, and travel around with my best friend. My best friend and I will travel around my beautiful city that is illuminated by the hundreds of lights and stars across the sky. We won't give a damn about anything because it's just us two and just us two.
All the problems and people will stay right here in this world while I have the ing time of my life in the dream I want to live in.
If only that was possible.