He Started It by Hitting on Me

Losing Control

During the weekend, my composure slowly came back to me. I stayed in bed for the weekend, trying to forget about what happened. It was unsuccessful because every time I'd try to forget, Hea Won's pained expression would rush back to my mind again. Her blank expression when she died followed after. I'd squeeze my eyes shut and shake my head from seeing anything worse. However, there was nothing worse than seeing your best friend dead.
My mother hasn't questioned me about Hea Won's sudden death nor has she talked to me. She had problems of her own. When I'd stay in bed and look out the window, I'd hear the door slam downstairs and muttering. The muttering came closer and passed my door, slamming another door near my bedroom. I did not know what happened, what she's doing and I don't care.
She makes her own decisions.
There was going to be a funeral for Hea Won next weekend. When I found out, I was relieved and tense. I was relieved because I would be able to see her one last time until her face is no longer to be seen. Tense because I was afraid I would go out of control again. If I went out of control, it would just show what kind of a loser I am. I am a pathetic loser.
But I had the right to go crazy, didn't I? It wasn't her fault. She didn't know she was going to go. I didn't know she was going to go. No one did. It was God's decision for her to die. If God wanted her to die, I had no problem. No I didn't. I am completely okay with that decision.
Even though I may think that, my actions in reality think another.
On the day I come back to school on May 7th, it was a Monday. Everyone immediately knew about Hea Won's death before I could even enter the school grounds. Word spreads around quickly. I'm not surprised. I walk into school, all eyes laying on me. And they start to whisper. I ignore the entire constant muttering and whispering because oddly, I don't care. I knew this would happen. And as Mi Young, it did not bother me. It shouldn't have bothered me. It never did bother me.
But this time it did.
The day went by excruciatingly slowly. In every class I entered, whispers would occur and eyes would glance at my direction from time to time. I ignore them like I usually do when people stare at me. It's either that or an uncomfortable stare shooting venom out at them. I wasn't honestly going to waste my time doing such a thing.
I had lunch after and didn't even eat. My stomach never growled once today. Again, the whispering would start. It was starting to get freaking irritating. When I had math after lunch, I took my usual seat next to Onew. He gives this whole 'I'm-so-sorry-things-happen-for-a-reason' talk. I knew those words very much. I believed it happened for a reason. A good reason? Not really. He tries to make me happy by making a fool of him like he does all the time but I tell him it was better if I was left alone.
He understands and gives me a warm and reassuring pat on the back, smiling at me with a different smile than before. It was... a sympathetic smile. He felt sympathy. He informs me Key isn't here today because of the whole incident. He was at home, weeping and heavy-hearted. I understood how hard it would be for a boyfriend to feel this way. I did not question his actions and let him be. Key needed to be alone. It would make him think about things.
I thought about things and now look at me- I'm great. I'm just fine.
Right.
Minho has been sympathetic as well. He asked if I needed anything, even a hug. I shook my head no and assured him I was all right for the time being. As for Taemin, he would check up on me from time to time. Let me just say he was a ninja in the process. I don't need to say more. I noticed in science class, Jonghyun still didn't take his notes. I didn't bother to tell him to do it. And he left it at that. He didn't talk to me. I respected that. He knew I needed the silence so he didn't bother me.
And we come to English. I sit my down in my seat, ignoring the empty seat next to me. The stupid assholes in my class kept whispering about her again. And those glances would always be shot towards me. I craved to kick each of them in the faces but it was better to keep calm and collected.
A few minutes later, the teacher comes in with his binder and roll call begins. "Ahn Wheesung?" He starts from the beginning to the end, his tone droning on. I made random little lines in my notebook, waiting for the lesson to start and get this day over with. My stomach is in need of food now. Ugh. The little lines on my paper started to expand, interconnecting and becoming into an odd shape. I stopped doodling and stared at what I created. It was in between hair and long lines. At least I know I have no future for becoming an artist. Before my pencil can make a mark on my paper, the teacher's voice calls out.
"... Cho Hea Won?" the teacher's voice asked. My pencil stops short. It hovers over the paper. Silence drapes over the room as people start to glance at the seat next to me. I stare at my paper. "Cho Hea Won?" he asks. "Cho Hea Won?"
I take in a small breath. Okay, this teacher probably doesn't know about what happened. I'll just go back to my fail artwork now-
"Cho Hea Won," he calls out again. The grip on my pencil tightens. He said it four times already without an answer. He should know she's not here. However, he keeps doing the same thing. "Cho Hea Won? Cho Hea Won?" he asks again.
Really. You're going to do it more? Haven't you gotten the message yet? She's not here.
He does it again. "Cho Hea Won? Cho Hea Won? Cho Hea Won-"
He's getting me. Pissed. Off.
"Cho Hea Won? Where is Cho Hea Won?" he asked. "Cho Hea Won-"
"She's not here," I muttered.
All eyes turned to me as so did the teacher. "Can you repeat that?" he asked. I clenched my teeth together, trying to keep myself from what I really wanted to do.
"She's not here," I muttered again.
"Can you speak louder?"
You want me to speak louder? Well, if I got the permission for it-
"She's not here!" I yelled, shooting him a glare. Everyone's eyes widened and some gasped at my sudden yell. The teacher, who never heard or seen me like this before, furrowed his eyes in a fearful way.
"E-excuse me?" he asked.
"Did you not hear me the first time? I said she's not here. She. Died," I barely was able to say the last two words as my anger got the best of me.
"Cho Hea Won died? Why?" he asked.
"How the should I know? Go ask her," I retorted. Gasps were heard all around the room. They never expected me to talk back to a teacher. I was going to do it one day or later. Even the teacher seemed surprised.
"D-don't speak to me like that. I-I'll send you to the principal if I have to," he threatened.
"Go ahead. See if I ing care!" I yelled. I grabbed my bag and stormed out of the classroom, ignoring the teacher's whiny little calls to come back to his class. I stomped through the hallway, making my way towards the exit. I ignored every secretary or teacher's call telling me to come back. I ignore everything.
They can't tell me what to do. They have no power over my life. The year's almost over so there's no point in listening to these pathetic people. you I wanted to tell him. you.
I come outside, breathing in today's warm air. The sun was beating outside behind me, heating my hair. I stomped all the way towards the heavy gates of the school. I pushed them open with one hand and they swung immediately. I walked my way around any objects blocking my way.
My mind has been blank for the whole time I kept walking. There was nothing to think about. The only thing that stays on my mind is frustration. I can't seem to think about anything now. Hea Won's name being said over and over again... It outraged me. Did he not have an idea she wasn't here? He specifically saw the empty desk next to me. He didn't hear a confirmed "here!" in the room. No, he didn't. He acted stupid and kept saying her name over and over again.
It takes me a good ten minutes until seeing the view of my house. From looking where I am now, I must have been walking fast. I walk faster just to get to my house. As soon as I make it to the front of the door, I almost rip my bag just to get my keys and jam the keys into the lock. It unlocks quickly and I walk in. I close the door behind me. Surprisingly, it wasn't slammed.
I throw my bag halfway across the living room as I walked towards the stairs. I don't even bother taking off my shoes. As soon as I get into my room, I rip my school tie off and take off my shirt. I put on whatever I could find. I put on a dark hoodie and let the fabric melt into me instantly. I dispose of my skirt and put on some jeans to relax the blood rushing from my thighs. I jump onto the bed and stay there for what seems like centuries. My body was still fuming from earlier. If only my anger hadn't gotten to me... I would have been all right.
But it looks like I wasn't going to listen to myself for some time.
English was last period so it really would not count as cutting class. Maybe it did, I don't know. I don't care. I never gave a damn. I only did it for my mother. My mother... she's not home yet, but it's certainly confirmed she will get the message of what I've done in class and that I "skipped". She's at work but I guess I have a couple of hours until I have to face the hell I have to live with. I spent my time resting in my warm bed for as long as I can. It may be my last place of comfort. I don't guarantee I'll have a good night sleep today. I don't think I'll even have any sleep at all.
It seems like only five minutes coming back from school when my mother comes home around eight at night. I hear the door slam and the yell of my name. " Mi Young!" she yelled. I blink on the mattress and don't faze from my position. Her tapping of the high heels she's wearing walks around the living room downstairs. "Mi Young!" she yells again.
I have no other choice but to go down and face her. I pat my bed before it's my time to go down. I silently close the door behind me and slowly take my time as I walk down the steps. I walk into the living room, only to find an enraged older woman with her arms folded. Her hair was messy, meaning she was running her hands through her hair out of frustration. You're in it today, Mi Young.
Her stare is nothing but flames and anger. And hate. There's hate in there. There's always been hate in there. I don't stare at her. Instead, I stare at the floor. Silence takes a hold of the living room. There was only soft wind knocking at the closed window behind my mother. "... Can you explain to me what happened during English?" she asked.
I kept staring at the ground, unable to answer her. More like I didn't want to answer her. "Are you going to answer me?" she asked. I didn't reply. "Well?" she asked again. Nothing from me. "Well?" she asked, her voice rising.
"I went out of class," I answered her.
"Why?" she asked, her gaze burning through my head.
"The teacher was getting on my nerves," I replied.
"How?"
"He kept saying..." I trailed off.
"He kept saying what?" she asked.
"... Hea Won's name," I finished.
"So? Why do you care?" she asked.
A sudden pang of anger hit me in the heart. She didn't know. She had no idea Hea Won wasn't here. She was just like that teacher: pathetic, oblivious, and idiotic. She was all of those three traits and she held them well. I've always been ashamed of having her as a mother. Sudden anger started to boil inside of me, just like it did a couple of hours ago.
"I care," I answered simply.
"Why in the world would you care if she wasn't there? It doesn't matter," she spat.
"It matters when she's not going to be here anymore," I retorted.
My mother gives me a look of confusion mixed with a look of 'you-better-not-have-that-tone-with-me'. "Where'd she go?" she asked.
"She died."
The expression on my mother's face changed for a second but it suddenly changed back to its unpleasant look from before. "You shouldn't have lashed out in class today. It could have done something to your record," my mother said.
"Why would I care?" I asked rudely.
"Excuse me?" my mother asked, jutting out her hip.
"I said why would I care?" I asked, my voice getting louder.
"You should care," my mother replied.
"I asked why," I said.
"Because then you'll be able to get into a good college-"
"I've already gotten into Seoul University. What else do I need to impress you? All the hell you want is perfection and I gave it to you. I'm done," I snapped.
"Don't use that tone with me-"
"I can use whatever tone the hell I want!" I yelled.
"I'm your mother!" she yelled. "You deserve to respect me!"
"You don't respect me! You don't even appreciate what I do!" I yelled back, my arms rising.
She furrowed her eyes. She shook her head. "Nonsense, I have appre-"
"No, you haven't. Not once. Not ever. You hit me for no reason when it comes to studies. You slapped me for getting second place at an exam that I could care less about. The only reason why I study for hours is because of you! You're an evil woman who doesn't care about her daughter!" I yelled.
"I DO CARE! I'VE ALWAYS CARED!" she shouted.
"Then where the is it? I've never seen the care before. You're like what everyone says: a cold, heartless !" I yelled, my throat stinging with dryness. My mother's eyes flickered with anger and she clenched her fists.
"You shameless daughter. You dare speak to your mother like that?" she asked.
"You come home drunk with another man. And you're calling me shameless?" I scoffed.
"I have no time for this," my mother hissed.
"You never had time for me. You never did! You don't love anyone but yourself, you heartless woman!" I shrieked.
"You're a heartless girl for not knowing what I go through!" she yelled back. "No one puts themselves in my shoes. They always make me look like the ."
"THAT'S BECAUSE YOU ARE ONE!" I shouted. "AND THAT'S WHY NO ONE LIKES YOU."
"SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP! YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME," my mother snapped, her head jerking forward to her voice.
"Appa couldn't be with us because you were cruel. He left me with you. Those people beat us because of you. Whenever you're there, nothing good happens to me," I slightly quivered.
"There's a reason why your father left and it wasn't because of me," my mother sighed.
"It was all because of you! You never had good fortune with you. You're just inconsiderate to everything and everyone!"
"DON'T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT!" my mother screamed.
"DOES IT SEEM LIKE I'M GOING TO LISTEN TO YOU?" I shouted. My mother's fists were trembling and her body all seemed to be shaking. She was glaring at me with her cold eyes, seething through my head.
She picked up a threatening finger. "Don't speak anymore," she warned.
I stop my mouth for a moment, regaining breath. Her finger is still in mid-air as she stares at me. I stare back at her, trying to compose all of my breath together. The room is silent once again and I could hear the wind tapping out the windows.
"Go to hell," I whispered quietly. I made it loud enough for my mother to hear though there was no need. My mother stares at me with cold eyes and they looked like they ready to kill. She suddenly passes me and stomps her way to the door out of the house without another word. I heard the door slam shut and a few moments later, the engine revs up until I hear it zooming away. I stay still for a while, my body trying to stay motionless. I tried to be calm but my insides and mind would not listen. Suddenly, my hands start to tremble by my sides and I clench my teeth together. My throat is pleading for thirst.
Damn.
I go straight for the kitchen for the particular cabinet that's always locked. I rummage through all the kitchen drawers, almost pulling them from their usual place. Finally, a small silver key twinkled at the corner of a drawer, catching my attention. I hungrily grab the key and fumble with it until getting it into the cabinet. After turning it clockwise, I swung the doors open and eyed all the belongings. There were many assortments, many sizes, and many of those things I thought I'd never dare to touch. Who knew it would be this day I'd come to the point where I turned to this?
I grabbed the biggest bottle there was and shut the cabinet door with great force. I stomped towards the door out. Slamming it behind me, I stormed to the right of my house and went from there, letting fate take me wherever the hell I'd wind up at. The heavy bottle full of liquid substance swayed back and forth in my hand. I kept my grip steady and firm, making sure it would not fall from my grasp and break. I heard someone say my name but I ignored it, seeing that I wouldn't listen anyway.
My mind has been made up.
JONGHYUN'S POV
I bounced a miniature ball on the floor. I threw it on the floor and it would bounce up. The cycle would continue. As I bounced the ball, I kept a clear mind on what to do tomorrow. I have a test tomorrow for science. It was only me who's taking the test. It's to see how much I learned from tutoring. Yes, it is in intermediate standards. The topics are from earthquakes to earth's history. Mi Young taught me those two topics first so I should be able to get a decent grade. I hope I do well.
Mi Young. She was so hysterical at the hospital. I've never seen her so berserk and distraught. When I stared into her eyes, tears were welling up unnoticeably. She wanted help from anyone to get Hea Won back. She looked desperate. She was desperate. My heart tightened. When I saw her in science today, her face was unreadable but her eyes say her emotions well.
She did not get over it.
Well, how would you get over your best friend's death? It wasn't easy. I would have been just as sad as Mi Young if any of my friends were to die.
Then there's Hea Won. Her eyes were closed when I was able to catch a glimpse from her. Mi Young was holding onto her as if she was the last thing in the world for her. Her face was paler than her usual skin tone. It disheartened me to see her like that. It disheartened me to know she would stay like that forever until she decomposed. Hea Won and I weren't close, but I'd always worry if trouble went through her way. She was a friend too.
How did she die? Why so quickly? It happened in a snap and soon, everything started to crumble. After Mi Young left the hospital, I turned to Key to see how he was doing. To put it short, he wasn't doing so well. He cried for what seemed like hours even it was only ten minutes until the doctors suggested we leave. I wanted to show them the majestic bird from my hand. We all accompanied Key home but were not able to go further than his front door. He locked himself away from us, from his parents and from the world. He still didn't come out. We didn't bother him. He needed the time to think about things. He's probably crying, though.
I gave out a long sigh. The small ball bounced back up into my hand again. My phone vibrated on the table beside me. I picked it up and gave one glance at the screen. I pressed 'Talk'. "Yeah?" I asked.
"Jonghyun," Minho said.
"Hm?" I asked, bouncing the ball up and down.
"Have you seen Mi Young after school?"
"No, I haven't. Why?" I asked, my brow furrowing.
"She's gone."
I stopped bouncing the ball and it stayed in my hand. Everything went silent for a moment. "What do you mean?" I asked carefully.
"Yanna, my girlfriend, saw her leaving home and walking somewhere else. She said Mi Young was carrying a big bottle in her hand."
Suddenly, my heart dropped once and it hovered over my stomach. "Where is she?" I asked, my tone low.
"I don't know. Yanna told me she took a right and kept walking further downtown. That's all she and I know," Minho replied.
I exhaled sharply and gripped the ball in my hand. "Fine. Thanks for telling me. Bye."
"Wait. Do you want us to go with you...?" He knew I was going to go.
"No. We don't need attention from other people," I replied, knowing what that bottle might be.
"Okay. Good luck." I hung up after that. I let go of the ball in my hand and let it roll by my feet. I closed my eyes for a second and got up from bed. She really had to do this, didn't she? I grabbed a dark lightweight jacket and put it on as I jogged down the stairs.
"Umma, I'm going out," I called out over to the kitchen. I heard the dishes clattering.
"What? But, it's almost nine and you have a test tomorrow-"
"Umma, I'll be back. I don't promise when, but I'll be back. I need to find a friend," I assured her, grabbing the car keys from the counter.
"... Okay. Please be careful."
"I will. Bye." I exited the house and went for the car in our usual parking spot in front of the house. With one click, the car doors unlock and I pull the driver's door open. I go in and shut the door. I give out a short sigh and put the key in the ignition. After it revved up, I put it in drive.
She better be sober when I find her.
MI YOUNG'S POV
"Oops! Sorry~" I giggled as I stumbled forward away from the person I bumped into. He gave me a look of confusion and went off. I walked off to the direction opposite from him and went on walking.
"Blah blah blah moo moo lah~" I sang under my breath. I was holding onto something that was lighter than when it was full. I hiccupped and covered my mouth. I giggled to myself. "Hiccup! Heehee~" I giggled again. The sky was dark except for the stars that stood out. My surroundings were dark as well. There was muffled music somewhere far off in the distance but I ignored it because it hurt my ears.
The bottle was so close from slipping away from my fingers, but I had a tight grip on it. It was secure from falling.
Honestly, I don't know what had come to this. I guess I was getting too frustrated with how my life was going. Hiccup! Right. I was mad. I am mad. After getting abused and nearly is one thing, having your best friend dying is another and your psychotic mother ties it up in a nice little bow. Hiccup! My life sucks.
I walked past little shops and diners, inhaling the scent of smoke and bread. I coughed from the smell of smoke and waved my hand carelessly around. "No smoking. It's bad~" I called out, coughing. The guy who had a cigarette stuck to his lips frowned at me.
"Psycho," he muttered, walking away from my presence. I laughed out loud. I waved back at him.
"No problem!" I yelled out to him. He didn't turn back. I laughed again. I began to walk again, towards anywhere fate would take me. I don't wonder where I'm going. I'm good wherever I am. I walked somewhere while taking huge swigs and look at me- I'm great! I'm having small talk with several people and they talk back. I'm making many friends! It's unlike of me to do so, so that's a good thing!
Look at me. I'm a mess.
I'm walking somewhere I am not familiar with. I don't know where I'm going and who these people are. This part of Seoul is not the place I know. It's something else. But what can I do? I'm too wasted to do anything. Blur blur blah~ I gave out a silent chuckle as I stumbled on walking.
I looked around to where I was going. The place was still dark but there were no people. Instead, trees and benches were around me. There was a path I was standing on, probably the ground. What am I talking about? It is the ground.
I gave out another hiccup. Damn you, life. You think you can just play with my feelings and make life even worse? You give me that son of a mother and now look at me- I'm hurting myself. Life, you're great. you life. You suck . Suck a . Look what you did to me.
I won't be able to do anything. I'm way too into my own "world". I can't listen to my mind now. It's too hard. I took a lot, didn't I?
Hah, my mother and I. How similar are we now? We're so similar. Everyone was right. They were right. I have no one, I have no friends and I have no one to love. No one.
I hiccupped again as I smile wearily. I held out my empty bottle to the sky. Here's to you, life. I put the bottle against my lips and pull my head back to take in a small drop of alcohol. The slightest taste made me twitch. I brought my head back and stumbled back from the dizziness from my head. I feel really lightheaded.
"Blah blah blah lim lar- oh!" I giggled after stumbling upon a rock that was in my way. I pointed at the rock. "Bad boy. No more friend," I muttered at the rock. I gave the rock the "I'm-keeping-an-eye-on-you" look. And I gave out a hearty laugh. I walked forward and made dramatic steps, making sound effects as I walked.
"Dun, dun, DUN. Dun, dun, DUN," I exaggerated. I thought to myself a bit. "Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun DUUUN~" I ran a little as I sang. I stopped shortly after and squealed at my song. "That should be number one on the charts!" I told myself, waving the bottle in the air. I repeated my song. "Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun DUN~" I kept singing. I was alone. I was glad I was alone. No person would catch sight of me in this state. No one would come and get me. I was going to wander this dark place with no living creature around me. Right, because no one wants to take care of a drunken teenaged girl. No one wants me. Right.
I have no one.
I chuckled. I swung my arms in the air. "No one wants me~" I sang, keeping a longer note on 'me'. Gosh, I sing great.
I heard footsteps behind me as I sung and danced a little. I gave no attention to the footsteps that were approaching me. I was too busy dancing and singing in my own "world".
JONGHYUN'S POV
I got to admit, it took a pretty long time trying to find Mi Young. I drove around Mi Young's neighborhood for a while, trying to catch any sight of her there. When she wasn't in sight, I drove downtown to the central shopping district. It was difficult to find her there, with hundreds of other people walking around. I tried to spot a tipsy girl wobbling around. I found nothing.
I asked a couple of people if they saw a drunken girl walking around, but most of them said no. When I asked an owner of a small flower shop, she replied saying she saw Mi Young walking south of Seoul. I thanked her and drove on ahead. When I drove further downtown, I was greeted with small houses and dirty streets. Considering I've never seen this place before, my anxiety slowly spread. Mi Young could be in danger at any time.
I asked a couple of people around here as well. Like before, most people didn't see a drunken, red-haired teenaged girl. I had to be more specific. One guy said he did see Mi Young, walking towards a park two blocks away. I thanked him too and went on to the park.
I parked my car near the entrance and walked into the park. The first thing that came into my mind was that it was dark. Really dark. There were a couple of lights around, but if you were able to pop one of these lights, it would become really dim.
Thankfully, the park wasn't big and I would probably be able to find her as long as she didn't wander somewhere else. When I walked further in the park, I realized it was isolated. I had a better chance finding Mi Young. A while later, I was getting impatient and worried. Where was she? By this point, Mi Young is probably not in the greatest state. What if she was kidnapped? What if she was never to come back? What will I do?
After five minutes, I heard something. I stopped my tracks and listened carefully. The sound seemed to be further north of where I was walking. I walked towards the sound. When I got closer, the noise started to sound more like muttering. Then it became more like talking. And then it became more like singing. I furrowed my eyes. I averted my eyes towards a person a few yards away from me, dancing around while singing. I pursed my lips and walked towards the odd person.
I made out their appearance. It was a girl. She has medium-length hair and it wasn't straight. She was wearing a hoodie and dark jeans. She had a bottle in her hands. After seeing the bottle, I knew who this crazy person was. I walked closer over to her as her arms kept flailing around. I heard her words better after getting at least five feet away.
"... wants me." Her back was facing me as she pranced around. I let her prance around a little more until I cleared my throat. Mi Young's prancing slowly stopped. She turned around with one quick movement.
"Hm?" she asked.
The empty bottle hung from her hand. Unfortunately, it was a big bottle. I stared at her. She looked sick. Her skin was okay, her teeth were okay and everything was fine. You could just tell if she was sick. She was smiling at me. "Hmm?" she asked again.
I blinked once. "Hmmm?" she asked, putting a hand near her ear to hear well. "Speak louder, I can barely hear you," she told me.
"Mi Young," I whispered slightly, my eyebrows creasing down.
"That's my name," she slurred, waving a hand in the air. She then stumbled a little to the left. "Oops," she giggled quietly. She looked back at me. "What is it?" she asked. I wasn't able to answer her. I was too preoccupied with the state she was in. She wasn't able to stay still for a second. She was moving everywhere. Her mouth had the corners turned up. She was definitely wasted. The stuff she's been drinking was really strong.
She poked my chest. "Whaaat do you waaant, stranger?" she asked, one of her eyebrows rising. I kept staring at her with a blank expression. She put her hands to her hips. "You kind of remind me of a guy I know. What's his name... uh... Jonghun? No. Dongwoon? Nah. Jihyun? Wait, that's a girl's name," Mi Young giggled. I stared at her with my eyes saddening with worry and sorrow. I wanted to tell her so many things. I wanted to tell her what I thought, ask what had happened with her and why was she in this state. There were so many words wanting to come out of mouth. There was so much I wanted to express in words. But I can only find two.
"I'm sorry," I whispered to her.
She cocked her head to the side. "Whaa? Sorry? What happened? What did you do, you little stranger?" she asked. I stared at her with the same expression.
"Why are you staring? Am I that beautiful?" she asked. Suddenly, she laughed. "Why, of course I'm not beautiful. I'm the ugliest creature on Earth," she piped.
I kept on staring. Her eyes rolled up. "Whooooo~" She turned around and started to skip away from me. I followed suit. "Lalalala~" she sang as she skipped. The bottle skipped along with her. She suddenly turned around. I stopped in front of her. She furrowed her eyes slightly. She opened her mouth, but a hiccup came out instead. She covered her mouth with her hand and she giggled. "Whoa. At least it wasn't a burp. Haha." She waved the bottle above her head and danced in circles.
"Hmm~" she hummed. I watched her. The wind was cooler than before and crickets were chirping off somewhere. Mi Young's back was facing me when she stopped dancing. The bottle slowly lowered to her side. "She was the only one to keep me sane. I would have been out on the streets, living here, probably," Mi Young whispered.
I kept listening.
"She's been there for as long as I could remember, meaning everyday. She was there everyday and it was enough for me to keep control," Mi Young kept going.
"She showed me many things. She showed me things I was not able to see when I was younger. She helped me discover the sole emotion I wanted to feel for a really long time: happiness. It may sound as if she was more than a friend, but she is. She's like my sister. A sister I'll never have. She was the total opposite of me, but like that phrase always said: Opposites attract.
"It was because of her I was able to meet other people and make new friends. That was a great experience as well. It was really great. So great, I can't explain it in words. I couldn't show the gratitude and love I have. And I think I never can. And she left." Mi Young laughed. "She left. She left me and everyone else. She left!"
Mi Young looked up to the sky. "Hey, Hea Won. Can you hear me? Am I loud enough for you? Are you doing well? Was leaving your friends all worth it? How did you feel when you die? Was it all worth it? Huh?" Mi Young asked over and over again.
She laughed. "I'm crazy, Hea Won. I'm crazy. I can't do anything about it either. It's fun to see me like this, huh? You're probably going to see more of this. My mother. You know her? I'm going to become just like her. A cold, heartless . That's what I'll be. Cold and heartless. I always was and always will be. Now I know where my life is headed. I might as well have with younger boys right now and not give a for anyone. Oh, yes. My life will be headed right there," Mi Young slurred, bringing the bottle above her head.
I could do nothing but stare.
Mi Young's arms slowly started to come down by her sides. She looked down to the floor. She softly kicked the air. "I miss her," she stated quietly. The bottle stood still in her hand as she stared at the dark ground. When you were drunk, you spoke the truth.
Mi Young gave out another hiccup. She stumbled back and faced me. She was looking sicker by the second. Her eyes started to widen and she put her hands onto her stomach. Suddenly, she ran over to a bench nearby and ducked her head behind it. She gagged for a couple of seconds. After five seconds, she gagged again. I heard liquid sloshing and a bit of coughing. Mi Young brought her head back from the benches' behind. She wiped her mouth with her hand.
"I made a big mess," Mi Young weakly muttered, wiping her mouth. I stared at her for a second until walking over to her. She stumbled from behind the bench as I came in front of her. She stumbled forward. From here, she reeked of alcohol and another bitter smell. Vomit. She hiccupped again. "Vomit tastes bad~" she sang lightly, smiling drunkenly.
I stared down at her, the feeling of sadness coming back. She looked up at me. Her eyes were huge. They were really brown too. It was more like a chestnut color, but that was probably because of the light above us. Her red bangs were really straight. Her skin was pale. These were the physical features I've never bothered to look at. Other people would not find her beautiful. Some would say she looked scary. I was one of them. But she was different. That's one thing every one can agree on. Even if she was drunk, she was still attractive in every way. I stared deep into Mi Young's wide, innocent eyes. She stared back at me.
"I'm sorry," I whispered again.
I leaned my face close towards her. She didn't object. As soon as my face was a couple of centimeters away, I leaned my lips against her forehead and let it press against her head. I held her close as I kept my lips planted firmly on the top of her head. After a moment, I let go of her. I looked down back at her. She was staring back at me; the same look plastered on her face. She kept staring at me.
She laughed deeply. "You kissed me and I don't even know you."
She moved away from me and kept laughing as she walked away, the bottle swinging below her waist. I followed her. She kept swaying the bottle back and forth as she walked and laughed mindlessly. It ached me to see her like this. This wasn't Mi Young. She was acting cute and she was laughing way too much. This wasn't Mi Young at all.
She was walking faster than me and it took me some time to catch up to her. She was humming to herself as she skipped forward. She whirled around a couple of times for no reason. She'd blow raspberries and then smile at me. This went on for a few minutes. After Mi Young blew another raspberry, she put her arms above her head. "I want a medal for blowing raspberries. For a prize, I want... Raspberries!" She blew another raspberry.
Mi Young laughed quietly. Mi Young's entire sudden, smile faltered. Her eyes looked a little too droopy. She stumbled on her feet. I walked forward to grab her when she fell from her balance. She gave out a small moan. "I'm getting tired," she yawned, shaking her head to the side. I kept silent. She her lips and blinked a couple of times. "I want raspberries," she told me, poking my chest.
I didn't reply to her need. She poked me harder. "Get me some," she ordered.
I stared at her. She poked me again. "I want red berries," she whined, furrowing her eyebrows. I didn't reply once again. Before she could poke me again, her drowsiness caught up to her. Her head fell lightly on my chest but she brought it back up. She gave me a look. "You're not giving me berries?" she asked.
I shook my head. She sighed. "Fine. I'll wait then. I'm going to go to sleep and wait for my berries."
"Wait," I spoke.
Mi Young raised her eyebrows. "Hmm?" she asked.
I thought for a moment, choosing my words carefully. "Before you go to sleep, I want to ask you something," I said slowly.
She nodded. "What?" she asked drowsily.
I thought again, choosing my wording very carefully this time. "What... do you think of Kim Jonghyun?" I asked, hoping my question was specific enough.
Mi Young blinked at me once. In a moment, she broke out in a weary smile and gave a soft chuckle.
"He's hot."
And her heavy head fell against my chest.