Summer

Labile

My body felt drained, exhausted as I stepped into the scorching hot shower. And the only thing I could hear was the pitter patter of my feet splashing against the water. But when I leaned my head back to feel the heat of water wake me up, the thoughts of last night came to mind and all I could was clench my fists in anger. I couldn't believe I lost it like that. Couldn't believe I had destroyed someone's house, someone's property. The thought of throwing something through a window, the image I had of myself had changed in an instant. I knew I was pissed off but I couldn't figure out until Natasha had told me what I did.

I was pissed, so fucking angry but not at anything or anyone in particular. Yesterday I saw family and friends, heard people laughing, hugging other people they were close with. It was when I thought of that person for me, I realized there was no one. There I was surrounded by people and suddenly I was back at school feeling all alone standing in a crowd of people. And the one person I wanted, the person I thought I could count on was nowhere to be found. So I decided to take the chance to forget. But that only lead to feeling even more pissed off, doing what I did.

And as I continued to shower, I could see the flashes of what I did start to come back to me. I could see myself stumbling against Daniel as he tried to hold me up to lead me back to Natasha's house. Sloane was saying something behind us, but there was something inside of me brewing and I couldn't hear a word she was saying. Something darky and heady was coming alive inside of me. All I could see was his face. Hear his voice talking to me as I leaned over and watched him drive my car. I didn't know what I was doing, I was moving away from Daniel and picking up a chair before I hurled through the window. Glass shattered all around us and they moved away from it but I didn't. I could still see myself breathing heavily, imagined my eyes filled with unbridled rage as I stared at the broken shards at my feet. And that was the last thing I could see before it all went dark again.

A knock on the door startled me out of my thoughts, and it was Natasha telling me to that I had to hurry so that her kids could shower. So that we could leave to go open up the shop. I didn't say a word but I did turn off the shower and after that I heard her footsteps retreat down the hallway.

For a moment I just stood there as the water dripped from the showerhead, feeling the cool air prickle my skin. It wasn't just that I was tired. It wasn't because I didn't face to Natasha or Sloane after what I did. No it was because I didn't want what came next. I didn't want to go out there, forced to pretend I wanted this. That I wanted someone to care. Really, I wasn't sure what I even wanted anymore. It was all too hard sometimes and the last thing I wanted was to be here doing this. I could leave, could find the keys and just take off anywhere away from this place. I thought about it until suddenly there was another knock on the door.

"Summer, are you okay?" Natasha's voice came muffled through the door. "I have some clothes for you, just come to the door and I'll crack the door a little bit to give them to you." I sighed as I moved out of the wet shower floor, stepping on the pink flower bath mat and leaving a trail of wet footprints behind me.

"I'm here." My voice sounded rough, as if it hadn't been used in a long time. But she didn't comment on it as cracked the door open just enough to slip in a pink shirt and blue jeans. "Thanks."

"I'm sorry I didn't have any under garmets for you..." I rolled my eyes even though she couldn't see me. "Hopefully those will fit you."

"It's fine." This time my voice was sharp, and all I wanted for her was to walk away again. "I'm fine." This time I said it softer, as I tried not to be so harsh. I wasn't fine but that was the last thing I'd ever tell her. Natasha had already seen too much of what I felt when I first woke up last night, and that was the furthest anyone had ever gotten. I didn't make a habit of letting people see what I really felt. I wasn't going to start now.