Summer

Lights

As soon as I stepped on the field, something felt off. I couldn't exactly put my finger on what it was. The longer we practiced gimmering, glittering in full makeup under the hot sun the worse the feeling got. I acted as cool as a cucumber on the outside but in reality I was sweating and fidgeting from the uneasiness boiling inside. Strutting around, holding my head up high and glaring at anyone who missed one step of the routine. It was all a fucking act. An act that I had praticed so normally for years, an act that had been passed on from queen bee to queen bee. Something I had never wanted as she glinted at me all those years ago.

Ashley, the girl in charge before me. Back then I was nothing but a mold for her to shape into what she wanted me to be. And I was so alone, which she knew. She took advantage of how small and vulnerable I was but I enjoyed all the attention, so I didn't pay much attention to anything else other than the popularity. But what I didn't realize was that in order to stay with her I had to do whatever she wanted to keep her happy.

Joining the squad, glittering as I shoved the next girl to the back. Walking through the lunch room with the intent on pushing my way to her side. No one else was allowed to get close, I made sure of that. And in a way we were close. She told me it was like having a little sister, but always made sure I knew my place. I was never allowed to wear that or this because it would make me look fat. You need to lose weight, she always said, making sure to throw away my lunch when it was too fattening.

At sleepovers, Ashley would give me alcohol and make me drink until everything felt empty and dark. It was never anyone else but the two of us. No one else is allowed, she'd tell all the other girls. But I always dreaded going over to her house. I hated that she'd force me to sleep where she wanted me, on the floor like a fucking dog, she'd cackle. And dress me up in all her clothes before letting me know I didn't look good in anything. I was her beautiful little doll and she hated everything about me. 

Sometimes she'd sit me in front of the mirror and brush my hair for hours, yanking until she knew she was hurting me. Running her fingers over my clear skin and letting know I'd never be as pretty as her. And she was beautiful, a distant ice queen with icicle blue eyes that crawled and froze you over and over, her skin was like holding your hands in the snow without gloves, numbing you until you were forced to pull away and retreat somewhere warmer. It was this process these shiny, beautiful things that were actually were really dark, she owned me and she knew it.

Be a bitch, a snarling little bitch, she said, I won't accept anything less. And I was so scared of losing everything that I transformed into what I never thought I'd be. Her. Back in her prime, she was snarky and enough of a force to destroy someone without lifting a finger. Ashley would sit on her throne and observe all of us with cold blue eyes. When she went off she college, she told me it was all up to me now and that she'd be watching. I wasn't sure if that was true or not but I still took it very seriously. And now I did whatever she would have wanted.

Such as commanding these girls, acting like Ashley was standing over my shoulder watching my every mistake. Every complaint was another threat to push them out. And I hated it, hated that everything inside me trembled at every strike of fear in their eyes. We watched each other like we were enemies going to war and not as if we were simply just practicing for a stupid cheer routine.

And the boys watched us, they looked at us as if were god given gifts, so that's how we had act. Giving them little glances as we shook our hips and raised our hairless arms up for all of them to see. That was how all of them were, wanting the attention and savoring in the dark, heady looks they threw our way.

But I wanted none of that. I was glimmering and doing the routine like all of them, yet all I wanted was to get this night over with. And I was starting to get frustrated with their lack of focus. I knew they were all thinking about getting drunk, and humping the shit out of one of these boys, but I didn't care. They weren't going to be anywhere if we danced like idiots in front of the whole school. We'd be shunned from any parties, and no boys would seek anyone out.