Summer

Leaf

I sat there and held her journal in my hands, running my fingers over the soft velvet cover, debating what I should do with it. Wondering if I should give it back and risk losing the small communication we had encountered so far? I still wanted to read it, but I knew it was wrong and I couldn't take another secret. I wasn't even sure I wanted to know her secrets. I decided to put it out of my mind and tossed it to the side of my bed, cradling my phone and looking again to see if Ace had read my last text. He hadn't.

I knew most likely Sloane had scared him off, her presence could be a lot sometimes and that I knew from experience. But I missed him. And I wondered if he missed me. Especially since our relationship had taken a slight turn, I knew he cared about me and that we were more than just fuck buddies at this point. What I also knew was that he didn't want a relationship. And it destroyed me because he knew I loved him now. I don't know how I hid it this long, but now I knew it was going to be even more impossible to end it.

My door creaked open slightly at that moment and I jumped, panic searing through my whole body as I scrambled to find something to fight whoever it was. Blood rushed through me and made everything inside me flush white hot. I tried to hold my breath and anticipation of what was coming next.

Until I saw who it was, and all the air in my body relaxed. It was Sloane. Just Sloane, I nearly cried in relief. She came in holding a pillow under her arm, walking towards my bed. It was only her second night here but both nights she had been coming in to sleep in my bed. Her complaints were that my house was too big, it was too cold and another one was Natasha snored too loud. I didn't mind. I find it comforting to have someone with me, even if I still didn't sleep.

I was trying to get used to having her around again, I did miss her but I couldn't bring myself to think about what had happened when I left. How they all thought of me a certain way and if they still thought of me that way. I knew I did terrible things, to them, to myself and to people I was supposed to care about. And it wasn't going to get better until I faced some of the things I did. Like leaving Natasha and Sloane without a word, kissing Daniel when I knew the way he felt about me, and the way Sloane felt about him.

I knew I had to talk to Natasha, but she refused to say anything to me and I didn't know how to start. I wanted to tell her so much. That I was sorry, that I wished I stayed and not run away the minute things got scary again. But everytime the words came up, they bubbled up and exploded before they could come out.

"Summer, you need to sleep." Sloane sleepily mumbled as she climbed in next to me. "It's not healthy for you to stay up like this." I knew she was right, but I didn't know how to start to sleep without Ace. He was the only one who made the nightmares go away, the only way I couldn't see the life fading out of her eyes. See blood spotting on my hands, crying for her to stay. But it always ended the same with me as the killer and her as the helpless victim.

"I'll sleep." I promised her, knowing I wouldn't. She just stared at me until I showed her that I was laying down with my eyes closed. "See? I'm sleeeping." I exclaimed and she laughed softly until that turned into a yawn. It was almost torture having to lay there, but my body was so tired I adjusted. And soon I could actually feel my body start to drift off...

Until I woke up in a cold sweat, screaming and flailing as I felt the cold floor press against my legs, blood spilling everywhere. We couldn't stop it. I was back there and she was crying, and I was screaming and trying to press my fingertips against the wound. I begged her not to go. I begged her to stay and we could do better together. But it was too late. Her life was fading fast, and I couldn't save her. I couldn't save her, I never could and now I can't save myself.

The clock ticked, ticked and everything was fading black now. I wanted to beg someone to help me but there was no one. And her blood was all over, it wouldn't stop until everything was red, red, red. And I was the one who caused it all to happen.