Summer

Luminaria

I didn't know what I was doing, sneaking into his bed everynight and acting like everything between us was casual. Trying to play by his rules. Trying to protect my heart as much as I could, but it was so euphoric and I could always feel myself get lost in the heat of the moment, as he watched me breathe him in over and over again. And for a moment it was like it was the two of us. Everything felt right, real good and I would forget what we were supposed to be. Until it was over.

Then everything would change. In an instant, it was like a switch would flip and he'd become someone cold, leaving me alone in his bed. And I'd leave to go back to mine. There was no closness, not like the summer when he had to hold me everynight. It hurt so much but like an idiot I would always go back for more.

It was like this secret, something between us late at night that only we shared. I could watch him for hours if he'd let me. Run my fingers over his skin and taste him to keep the feeling as long as I could. Ace was still moment, a picture I wanted to frame and keep to remember. Only because I knew we wouldn't last. Soon what we were doing, whatever we were had to end. 

And everytime I looked over my shoulder to watch him, trying to capture something unseen and unspoken, I could feel it tremble in my chest. Something that fluttered inside me everytime we collided and twisted together against his grey sheets. A feeling that only made me grip him tighter. It was like this ticking time bomb that wouldn't go away, telling me that I was going to get hurt again.

There was also my father I had to watch for. Knowing he'd kill me if he found out what I was doing, which should have helped me stop. But it didn't. I wanted to cure my addiction to Ace, to stop the way I felt with every look and touch, and yet nothing ever worked. Not even the fear I felt for my father could keep out of his bed.

And knowing he hadn't stopped fucking other girls, I'd never see them but there were signs. Condom wrappers littered his trash can. We never used them, not once and I wasn't being careful before but now I had the pill. Panties that weren't mine in the bathroom. I tried to tell myself he was mine at night, that there was no one else. But it was tearing me apart thinking of him with someone else.

My days were dull, empty and full of watchful eyes picking me apart, listening to the things people said and trying to block it all out. Sitting in class pretending not to be bored out of my mind. Gritting my teeth, watching Laura drift like an angel and wondering how not to be so fucked up, as Brent gave her the adoring look he never gave me. Walking down the hall like I wasn't a mess about to explode any minute. Glancing, sighing, tap, tapping on anything to pass the time and watching the time anxiously, and then finally hearing the ringing of the bell.

Walking into the house, dropping my things off. Getting ready for dinner and trying not to look my father in the eye. Eleanor making conversation, all of us not paying attention to Aces empty chair. Forks and knifes scraping as the anxiety inside me started to grow even worse. Digging my nails into my skin to ignore the subtle digs from my father, the scraping of chairs and watching the two of them go upstairs as I started to clean everything.

Scooping plates and washing the dishes, glancing toward the door to see if he'd walk in. He never did. No matter how long I took, the door never opened when I was watching. And there I was wondering what I was doing. Why was I waiting, he never waited for me and stomping upstairs feeling beyond frustrated.

And then there were the nights, my nights as I heard the chime of my phone. Knowing it was him. Walking to his room in my socks, and knocking on his door as gently as I could. He'd open the door, his silver orbs making me feel everything. It was when he would pull me in, my head tilting up and his hands sliding under my shirt, the weight of the day would melt away and I could finally, finally breathe again.