Summer

Lobe

It was important to note that nothing was ever as it seemed on the outside. I, for example, was supposed to be beautiful, perfect and my head was supposed to be filled with glittery, sugary things that didn't matter. But that wasn't who I was. They didn't know that but I did. I didn't know exactly who I was or what I wanted, the only thing I did know was sure was that it wasn't that.

After what he told me, we came back to my room and didn't fuck or mess around, we just talked. I wasn't sure how long we talked for. Really it was mostly about simple things, like foods or shows we liked. Sometimes we'd talk about something heavier, but never past the invisible line we had drawn, whether it was about our parents or something in our past we didn't want to talk about. It just felt so good to just simply talk to him. Like it was most natural thing I had ever done.

And I wondered if this was how it could always be, before he fell asleep and I was left alone with my thoughts. To worry about what this was. What were we doing, this was the last thing we should we doing. It was simple when it was just sex but this was different.

And what I thought, whatever Ace was to me before had drastically changed. He wasn't who I had thought he was and yet at the same time he was. Someone who had buried something so deep, pretending and drowning themselves so they could forget it happened. My heart had been his before, but now it was more. Whatever connection we had had deepened and now I couldn't stop crying as I watched him sleep.

It wasn't just because of what he told me. But rather, that what we had to end. The wedding was close and I couldn't keep up whatever we had. And yet, fuck I loved him, all of who he was and who he had been. What he had done hadn't been redeemed. He knew that, I knew that and we were both fucked up together. Wanting something that was wrong, knowing that we were both in it so deep and what could come next?

But what about I had done? I couldn't be forgiven, I didn't know if I deserved that. Not just for what to happened to Sarah but because of who I was. I knew I was an awful person, that I had done unforgivable things. And people had done awful things to be as well. Which I knew I probably deserved, probably more than anyone else.

But who could really be the judge of that? Who could tell us what we deserved better than ourselves? I was sure I was a terrible person, that I was rotten and I deserved the cold, damp world I had lived in all my life. I wanted to them to push and hurt me because I had hurt people that didn't deserve it. But as I sat up with my knees huddled to my chest, my thoughts bubbling and crying to reach up to burst, tears streaming down my cheeks, I felt a hand tug on my shirt.

"Stop." His voice made me freeze, my thoughts releasing as I let out a heavy breath. "Whatever you're thinking about, don't let it get to you." And that was easy to say. It was something that should have helped, but it was more than that. I couldn't turn off my mind more than I could control what I was feeling.

"I'm a terrible person." I spoke quietly, and it was silent except for our breathing, I wasn't sure if he heard it. But I didn't want to say it again. It was something I struggled with all my life, watching my mother drink herself to a stupor everyday, never bothering to stop her, and hearing my father telling me I wasn't wanted, listening to what they whispered, lashing out and being what they wanted. And in the end, burying myself so deep I couldn't see which way was up and so I continued to slip further and further, until I was this person I hated.

"Why?" He didn't tell me I wasn't, and I liked that he didn't try to convince me. It was something that I had lived with it. It was who I thought I was. "Tell me why Summer." But what surprised me was that he didn't sound mad, just calm.

"I can't give you an exact reason, I just am!" My words came out harsher than I intended, and immediately I felt like shit. The last thing was to I wanted to do was explode. Especially at him when he was looking at me like that, his eyes boring into mine like I was bound to break apart any minute. "Sorry." I hung my head and buried my tears in my skin.